Thursday, July 22, 2010

writings on the wall

Darling I’ll bathe your skin
I’ll even wash your clothes
Just give me some candy
before I go
Oh, darling I’ll kiss your eyes
And lay you down on your rug
Just give me some candy
After my hug
I know that there´re writings on the wall
But Darling I’ll bathe your skin
I’ll even wash your clothes
Just give me some candy
After my hug

i have been in denial about the things i have been noticing and wondering about a friend. he has been in recovery from iv meth use for a coupla years and has shapeshifted these last few months. i have known something was stinky, but didn't want to make it real.

i live very close to him and drive by his house frequently. the front door traffic pattern and the porch varmints have been increasing with each month. and a few months ago i had him over to check it out and it was evident that he wasn't with me in the room. i convinced myself that he had stopped taking his add meds, which he heartily agreed with.

now i understand though that old ways have returned and he is using again. i'm sad. disappointed. a little angry. but i'll get over those. i guess it brings the possibility of such a thing closer to me, since it happened to someone i know.

weirdly, it has been like watching an accident in slo-mo. the fragments of a cracking veneer and random disrepair continue to become evident. his other friendships are becoming like tall model sailing ships in glass bottles, just sitting on shelves collecting dust. his company du jour are all younger males that most likely don't have much stability. i recognize well the predatory sexual practices that are likely at work.

i have only begun to understand addiction. i have lived around it and with it for my entire life, but i am only at the tip of the iceberg of comprehension. as i am reading the wonderful book on addiction by gabor mate right now i will quote from him on addiction. I found this series of quotes on a lovely site called change therapy.

in the english language, addiction has two overlapping but distinct meanings. in our day, it most commonly refers to a dysfunctional dependence on drugs or on behaviours such as gambling or sex or eating.
surprisingly, that meaning is only about a hundred years old. for centuries before then … addiction referred simply to an activity that one was passionate about …
in the words of a consensus statement by addiction experts in 2001, addiction is a “chronic neurobiological disease … characterized by behaviours that include one or more of the following: impaired control over drug use, compulsive use, continued use despite harm, and craving” …

the issue is not the quantity or even the frequency but the impact …
he then gives his own definition:
addiction involves:

1. compulsive engagement with the behaviour, a preoccupation with it;

2. impaired control over the behaviour;

3. persistence or relapse despite evidence of harm; and

4. dissatisfaction, irritability or intense craving when the object – be it a drug, activity or other goal – is not immediately available.
he concludes his chapter, “what is addiction?” by saying
we need to avoid the trap of believing that addiction can be reduced to the action of brain chemicals or nerve circuits or any other kind of neurobiological, psychological or sociological data … addiction is a complex condition … we need to view it simultaneously from many different angles … to get anywhere near a complete picture we must keep shaking the kaleidoscope to see what other patterns emerge.

i am posting a paolo nutini song from his latest cd. i listen to this often when i'm driving. i am completely mad about him...

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

lisbeth salander

photo reposted from
Salander is a cartoonish super-hero, and if something bad happens to her -- she is sexually violated -- she more than gets back at the perpetrator. Her complete distrust of the authorities is also an interesting character-trait: this is a book where the police are largely kept out of it, even at points where they should obviously be called in. But Larsson does not seem to have much patience for bureaucratic approaches to law and order (or almost anything to do with government).

my heroine du jour has got to be lisbeth from "the girl with the dragon tattoo. she was the force behind the film and brought into the 21st century the spirit of "i spit on your grave" with her revenge segment of the film. she took a more than her share of pain and bullshit and channeled her anger into some revenge that was forceful, fearless, and unforgettable.

certainly there are parts of me that long for forgiveness and loving kindness applied to every aspect of my life. in my head, i understand that this kind of thinking is the destination i need to reach. however, i am still working towards it and i find myself relating to and almost reveling in the idea of an eye for an eye- of which the film has its share. of course i realize that this sort of revenge is out of my grasp, nor would i have the where-with-all to conjur it to life. but i must admit a very very guilty pleasure in watching and imagining. the very essence of film.

i am fairly well versed at this ripe age in reading subtitles and watching a film and this one offered no surprises in that regard.i somehow respect anything that requires my attention.  it is filmed in non-hd, in native swedish language, and without many special effects at all. yet i find it one of the more engaging films i have seen this year.

so read the books, damn it!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

all yours

photo courtes of

all the lives, always tempted to trade
Will they hate me for all the choices I’ve made
Will they stop when they see me again?
I can’t stop now I know who I am

Now I’m all yours, I’m not afraid
and you're all mine, say what they may
and all your love I’ll take to my grave
and all my life starts now

Tear me down they can't take you out of my thoughts
Under every scar there’s a battle I’ve lost
Will they stop when they see us again?
I can’t stop now I know who I am

sometimes i just find myself in a precarious situation. it how life goes. no matter how "right" my intentions are, no matter calculated my moves are, every once in awhile, and almost blindsightedly, i am in the clutches of danger and the possibility of failing is upon me.

this is not something i am easily becoming use to. but it is surprising me less and frightening me with increased infrequency. i find being less frightened a bonus. i don't like being scared any longer. i used to love being scared, mostly because of the adrenalin rush i think, but now i find all that very uncomfortable and avoid it any turn.

i went to see "eclipse" last evening. i really do think it the best of the 3 twilight films. the theme for me was all around adjusting to change and accepting life on life's terms. the vampires and the werewolves hate each other, but in order to keep their seperate and peaceful enclaves in tact, they must band together to address a newborn challenge borne out of vengeance for a loved one lost from another tribe. there are so many metaphors here that i won't get started, but suffice it to say that being willing to change, even if one is not ready to change, can open the doors to change. i often suggest to the patients i work with that if they give themselves permission to be different, then perhaps a space for that to happen will emerge in their lives.
this can only be just as true for me. and just as edward and jacob continue to argue with pettiness over bella, when they dig deeper to consider losing her completely, they realize that they both respect the other's feelings for her, just as they recognize their own feelings. and change occurs.

if you haven't seen it yet, definitely get on it. it is smart, it's campy, it's a modern cult classic, and it is sexy. can't ask for much more for $10.  oh and the music is fantastic, too!

here is metric with "all yours" from the "eclipse" soundtrack...

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

shut the fuck up

Sarah Palin on Obama
"He's got most disconnected, backasswards plan ever imposed on the country we love."

i was looking for some inspiration for a post and i found this. it is a brilliant image i think. i know i wish i could shave my mouth shut sometimes. i find very often that i speak too quickly and don't listen enough. strange behavior for a counselor.... or maybe not.

i heard that a friend relapsed on crystal recently. i haven't seen him to tell for myself, however, i have noticed some things that seem odd and out of character for him. but i just don't know.

i got a text from a family member whose phone i am paying for. he has lost the password to the phone service site to make changes and has gotten it from me 1x. i have been leery of giving it to him again. actually i think i want to chastise him for being so careless. but really he is careless and assumptive and that mix is noxious for me.

i made it known that i had requested a transfer at a work meeting today. it felt liberating. there are things i will miss, however, having to listen ad nauseum to the "mean girls" will not be missed. and i don't care to hear clients imitated with no purpose either. i guess i draw some imaginary line between mocking customers and mocking people we are supposed to be caring for.

i picked up another party on friday night. it is at the home of a pretty well known businessman. i just worked his 80th bday party a few months ago. i only want to be 80 if i can be as spry as he.

if you haven't tried the new haagen daaz peach flavored sorbet, run out now and get some... it's sensational..

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Grilled Figs with Prosciutto


These are quite delicious.. Much better drizzled with very aged balsamic at the end. If you don't have figs, you can easily substitue peaches. Certainly a different texture, but lovely none-the-less.

12 ripe, fresh figs cut in half
1/2 Pound Thinly Sliced Prosciutto. Imported Parma or San Daniele from Italy are the best.
2 handfuls of mixed baby or mescaline greens
Some good olive oil
Some Balsamic vinegar
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste
1/4 Cup Olive Oil


Trim the stems of the figs, wash and dry well and cut them in half from tip to bottom. Brush the cut end with a little olive oil and place them face down on a hot grill. Don't cook them too long because you just want to score the a little; when done set aside. Arrange the baby greens on individual plates. S & P the figs to taste, wrap each fig in half a slice of prosciutto and place on the greens. In a small saucepan, heat some balsamic vinegar and cook until it is reduced by half. Wisk in some olive oil, S & P to taste and remove from the heat cool to room temperature. When ready to serve, drizzle this mixture over the figs and greens and serve.
vitamin string quartet with their cover of "hey there delilah" originally by The Plain White Tees. Imitation is definitely a distinct form of flattery..

Friday, July 9, 2010

uncomfortably numb

Hello (hello)

Hello (hello)

Is there anybody in there?

Just nod if you can here me

Is there anybody home?

Come on now

I hear you're feeling down

Well I can ease your pain

And get you on your feet again


I need some information.. first (first)


Just don't face the facts

Can you show me where it hurts
i was driving to my 2nd job last evening and talking with my friend tommie on the phone... i have not signed oprah's no phone zone pledge although i think it a good idea. she was talking about the horrors of the bp fiasco in the gulf and how it was too terrifying for her to really think about. they were specifically talking abut the theory that the methane that is being released will explode and create unfathomable damage. she said she and a friend were talking about the subject and she found herself becoming filled with terror and desperation. she thought of her kids and how she would like to see them one last time. she also thought about how she wanted to have sex one more time and considered calling someone who was toxic, but knew would be available.

i shared with her that i too have been horrified beyond measure by this "debacle". the sheer volume of petroleum that is spilling into the coastal waters continues growing daily and it has become overwhelming. i have found myself just not thinking about it or considering it because it is sincerely overwhelming for me to fathom. i must admit that i freak out if i spill olive oil on the stove or it splatters when i cook, because the clean up becomes a bigger job, but this gulf situation is incomprehensible to me. the lives that are being stunted and crippled, the living creatures that are being phased into non-being and illness, the toxic pluck that the oil representatives are displaying when interfacing with our press and government officials indicate more of a concern about their company than the benefactors they have leased the rights from.

i seriously can't think about it much without the creation of my own leak of sorts. i can't think of a way to avoid the pain that will inevitably ensue because of this. so not thinking about it seems a safe choice right away. but i also shared with my friend that somewhere inside me i actually believe that the world will not end. that we will not become part of a massive explosion that erases us. more so, i think that we will find a way to survive this, that we will because we will have to. we may even find a better way to live and the human elements of our journeys such as love, discovery, triumph, forgiveness will continue whether we are driving carbon based fuel vehicles or not.

couldn't resist posting this oldie... it is campy, but it still seems apropos.. here is early scissor sisters with "comfortably numb"

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

patio life

i  bought some hanging flowers today and hung on my little patio. i kinda love 'em. i am having a friend over for dinner and if it doesn't rain, maybe we'll eat outside. i have had the day off and have been kinda lazy. i went to three greenhouses before i found something to spend a little cash on.

i think we're having grilled tenderloin with herbed goat cheese served on fresh spinach w/balsamic drizzle, green beans, some potatoes. for dessert- fresh berries w/ peach sorbet- this is my new favorite confection this summer..

flowers can always make my day. such a poofter!!

Thursday, July 1, 2010


Finally it has happened to me right in front of my face
My feelings can't describe it
Finally it has happened to me right in front of my face and
I just can not hide it

at the beginning of this year i turned in hours and supervision paperwork to accrue my addiction counseling certification level III. i have been concerned because it has taken quite some time to hear back from dora- (department of regulatory agencies) colorado. but today, i have received my paper version of my certification.

the delay has been frustrating. i had to forego a salary increase at the anniversary mark of my employment as it hadn't arrived. i also missed out on applying for a position as a level III counselor and circumstances have shifted strangely due to this omission.

but i have to stay true to my beliefs and trust that all things happen as they should. i am moving forward now and it is the time for me to do so. have i mentioned that i really enjoy working with most of the clients? i get to care for them and remember my desire to do so. i get to be of service and work at being a life coach.

today is good news. and i am thankful.

with a post title like this, it should be no surprise that i am including the cece penniston number. it still gives me a feelgood.