Monday, April 30, 2012

Cowboy Junkies: NPR Music Tiny Desk Concert

the missing boy

image credit... herr buchta

i spent 3 days in reston virginia working with a team on a design outline for a recovery oriented system of care for the state of colorado. sadly i realized that when dollars are the driving force behind a process, there is a devaluation for me. i went to a workshop which focused on a model for a peer led organization to sustain its funding. i felt my heart sink as i listened to information being disseminated around finding and sustaining funding. my experience tells me that when funding is a priority, then the intention gets really diluted. this was a revelation that came succinctly and discreetly to me. i spoke my mind and revealed my true feelings on the 2nd day which began a process which was like unraveling a ball of yarn.

i am swirling in disappointment this weekend. i haven't quite figured out how to negotiate all this. i believe that peer services are invaluable. i couldn't have made it this far without them. i just am not clear on my drive to find funding for them. .i am also drenched in some old shame- from where i am not sure. i am beginning to understand how some of this works for me- but not quite all. i spent saturday isolating and steeping in self-pity and anger about all this.

i know that i had a great day on wednesday. i was able to contribute and i felt energized. however there was a piece of me that felt i had over shared and was inappropriate. this piece nagged at me the rest of the time and became overwhelming by friday. i was unable to see beyond it or through it. it choked the life out of the time away.

i was on such a charge to get away from my companions, i changed my flight and left an hour early on friday. it afforded me time to go to a farewell party for my supervisor when i got home. i found being with work colleagues somehow comforting after the thought provoking melee in va. i stayed for an hour or so and then the isolating ritual began. this lasted through till sunday morning.

i went to my usual meeting and the topic was god-reliance. listening to everyone share really did quell much of my uneasiness. i remembered (again) that the journey is also about struggle. internally, i believe that my struggles lead to self knowledge. it's the ancient part of me that resorts back to my traumatic postures such as the isolation. i got triggered and i did what i always do. i hid in shame spending over 24 hours fantasizing about picking my life apart piece by piece. thank goodness for the sunlight of spirit i was able to bask in today.

luckily i didn't contact anyone or make any real decisions. i just sat in the dark-alone-steeped in negativity and licked some wounds. it did give me cause to wonder if i will ever get beyond feeling crazy. i understand more fully that this part of me that protects myself from feeling of shame is a very dogged champion. it has helped me to survive some very very painful and dangerous situations. i guess 24 hours of being inhabited by this walk-in isn't the worst thing that could happen- although i would much prefer to recognize the pattern in a shorter time. this punk part of me did keep me safe. in the fear and the rush to isolate, my feelings were protected. at this stage of my life though, i am not clear that this protection is what is best for me. i might do much better walking through them.

image credit..... herr buchta

progress not perfection though. isn't that what they say? i only hope i can remain tethered to the spirit that leads me to the light.

Friday, April 13, 2012

the tide is high

image credit... dmitri theocharis

i had a long day at work catching up on paperwork and trying to regain my emotional balance somehow. i just feel wonky. change has moved into our department like the santa ana winds, and i am stirred deeply by the gales.

i volunteered for the foundation at a fundraiser for the adolescent psychiatric program. a young black woman named madeline spoke about her experiences with mental health issues in her own neighborhood. the simplicity of her stories of her neighbors and friends, gutted by mental health issues, just like hooks thrown by invisible fishing lines had me teary. i remembered my own adolescence usurped by imbalance which set a course of living on the edge which lasted decades more than appropriate. mental illness is very real and very closeted. i need to work more to illuminate this.

today i spoke with my friend. he spent his final day at work and was cagey and passive aggressive as he talked around it. he talked about hooking up with home health care with hospice to follow. it was matter of fact and chilled both of us as it was discussed. months pass very quickly while time can move slowly in the same life. i wonder if that will be the case here.

i couldn't sleep this morning. longtime companion was running on cable, so i watched it again. the film still moves\ me deeply, but the effects are not as acute at all. i have moved past the pain and fear of that time, but find i continue to deal with loss and the inability to change life and death. luckily, i have become adept at learning not to run.

this seems to be rambling. it is very late and i should sleep.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012


image credit.... olivier rieu

On The Precipice

Standing on the edge of the world
To the place where I had been hurled
The bosky landscape was gone
No longer just somebody's pawn

Starting over with trepidation
For this, there is no explanation
Here I awoke in the misty morn
My heart in shreds and badly torn

Abandoned now, everything expended
Possibly that's the way intended
Beauty, a far cry from my vision
Just some object of derision

Numerous paths confuse my way
Should I go or should I stay
This is the precipice of my life
Speculation and concern overly rife 

J.B. LeBuert

i have been feeling so bitchy and so very combustible this week. i am sure it's not just one thing, but a compilation of tangential crap.
the manager of 10 years at my workplace is transferring out in two weeks. i have been working to infuse changes there with his blessing and am uneasy about the future of this work. fear (connected to my control issues) runs amok and  what actually  follows is a mystery. i find myself walking on broken glass and feeling it. ouch!!!
my good friend still wrestles with his cancer diagnosis and i wait for additional cues to be supportive. i can't mend the situation and this feels a handicap and leaves me jogging in quicksand..
there are so many other aspects of my simple life that seem in flux right now. embarrassingly, i catch myself feeling ungrounded, over-reacting, a little paranoid and a lot more touchy. at some moments, it seems all that i'm waiting for is the fire.
uncertainty and unknowing, it seems, are the kindling splinters that could just start a forest fire that gets outa control. or at least that's how it feels.
mercury leaves retrograde after tomorrow (or so i am told). i don't know if my sanity will return. i am hoping it does. the situations over which i currently have no control will remain, but my agility to resist the urge to squirt emotional butane all over my life and throw a match feels almost nonexistent.
there is something very deja vu ish about all this. it seems foggy but familiar. maybe that's the bigger concern. it this a recycled pattern from my old life play book? or is this a new play?
where is my relationship to spirit in all this? this is likely the question to ponder.

I'm the trouble starter, punking' instigator 
I'm the fear addicted, and danger illustrated 

I'm a firestarter, twisted firestarter 
You're the firestarter, twisted firestarter 
I'm a firestarter, twisted firestarter 

I'm the bitch you hated, filth infactuated - yeeeaaaah
I'm the pain you tasted, fell intoxicated

Saturday, April 7, 2012

auto pilot

image credit.... marina ambromovic

i have come to understand yet another layer of how i operate in my part of the world. maybe i knew this before, but with the latest turn in the road, my nature drifts yet again from the mists. i feel gratitude for this renewed awareness, but i would trade this gift for one of unknowing- sadly even if for only a short while. but the decades have rescinded my right to deny.

the previous paragraph seems so vague, but it is crystal clear to me. one of my best friends (and my sponsor of 7 years)  was diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer this week. he underwent esophageal surgery a couple of years ago with the intention of eradicating an aggressive cancer which had him out of commission for several months. it seems the cellular anomalies have survived, relocated, and set up shop in another part of his body. the oncologist advised to get papers in order with a half year. 

his behavior has seemed somewhat erratic lately. i have come to understand that he has been getting sicker for awhile. he has been moody. he has withdrawn a bit. he has not seemed happy-probably due mostly to not feeling very well. as he has shared this news with me he has wavered between pushing me away and struggling to find words between breath drawing tears.  

he holds his right to his feelings close to his chest. he has partitioned himself from his family right now because their questions and their concerns are too loud for him now. he needs to distill his own position before he can be okay letting others in. i find myself considering my words and my intention with intensity, which is more reserved than i usually am.

i find i have a natural caregiver response to crisis. i think i developed this growing up with a single young parent who binge drank heavily. there were many crises that arose over the years and i found that parenting that parent and taking care of her drama was the quickest way not to disappear in it. this posture became second nature and continued with some of my besties in the 80's when aids swept through our lives and still remains intact with me today in my work and in my search for validation.

i find myself reviewing this part of my nature right now. i want to be "there" for someone i love, but i don't want to be on auto pilot- even though that's where i always go first and that is the place i find myself now.  its hard to believe,  but i don't really want this to be about me. i am working to make it about someone i care very much about. and how to remain available while our lives unfurl. 

You and I have been through many things.
I'll hold on to your heart.
I wouldn't cry for anything,
But don't go tearing your life apart.

I have seen fear. I have seen faith.
Seen the look of anger on your face.
And if you want to talk about what will be,
Come and sit with me, and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
Once again.
Cry on my shoulder, I'm a friend.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Monday, April 2, 2012

Sam Kelly Make You Feel My Love - Britain's Got Talent 2012 audition - I...


image credit... simon pais-thomas

molly4486 up2874 down
Abr. of 'molecular'.

Pure form of MDMA (ecstasy), usually a free powder or in capsules. Oftentimes MDA is sold as molly. Should be white in color (when it's pure) but is more often beige or yellow-brown, and sometimes brown or rarely gray.
Me and my girl chopped a 1/2 gram of molly into 4 lines last night and we each inhaled one. rolled balls for 5 hours straight. pure love and cuddles all the way.... from urban dictionary

coinciding with holy week, here is something that signals resurrection to me. club music. and this track (and this miami based dj) seem to be getting lotsa buzz- pun intended. molly just happens to be an code name for mdma- used to be mda. not something i really partied with since the very early 80's.  guess it's still got a following and no doubt it adds to the luster of the song. however molly has nothing to do with my reason for finding this track on target. it has a great riff.  and it has some guts and its gotta kick. and for me you could add the word "enough" to the lyrics- everytime the word molly is said- 'cuz there was so rarely ever enough -of anything.. hi- i'm searching for "enough" molly. i'm looking for "enough" molly.