and happy

i got a voice mail from my friend tonya last sunday asking me to call her back asap 'cuz she had some great news for me. i was at the corn maze that evening with my friend jim and then we went to dinner at le central and had mussels. it was a completely sweet day.

i did call her back and she proceeded to tell me that she was pleased to inform me that the board of directors for afr-advocates for recovery had selected me as "advocate of the year". honestly i thought there had been an error in judgement. i replied to her that there are so many other people working to promote a positive image of recovery that maybe they could reconsider and give it to someone who was working harder. or had been doing this longer.

she replied that no, indeed, they felt they had made a good choice. they considered it fully and discussed it and they were comfortable with their choice. this left me quiet for a bit on the phone. for those of you who know me, this in itself is almost a miracle. i decided it best to be grateful and gracious, at least as much as i could be.

i don't see myself as anything "of the year" at all. i am working hard, but mostly because it helps me stay out of my head. when i am busy and have work to do, i am much less likely to drift into a negative head space. but i love most of what i do, so it doesn't seem like work. i get to write my feeling out a bit. it's much less now that it has been the last 3 years... you can follow my thoughts for over 3 years at kickintina. i have since helped afr start a blog called the climb. i work with board members of 2 recovery organizations and try to listen and support their efforts.

i guess i will  receive an acknowledgement on sunday september 26th at the afr lunch before the rockies game. i am looking forward to it. i can't say i think i earned it, but i can say that i fully believe in the mission of afr and wrapping a positive face around the term recovery. stopping my aod use has been one of the largest things i have ever done. it has left me feeling exposed, vulnerable, and unlovable... all the things i felt before i started using at age 11. this has honestly afforded me the opportunity to address that part of myself and learn to heal and grow, the emphasis is definitely on learn here. i haven't mastered anything. but with the tools for recovery in my back pocket, i now believe i just may get the hang of this someday.

thank you to advocates for recovery for presenting the opportunity for me to take stock of the progress i have made, and the fuel to jump start my dedication.