Saturday, September 18, 2010

above and beyond


All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming......Helen Keller
i woke up and looked out the window to see light gray skies and slightly wet pavement. days like this are not frequent in colorado, and i usually love them very much. there i something about them that creates a sense of turning inward, which for a narcissist like me, is like scarfing up peach cobbler with vanilla ice cream.

evolution continues in my world. as pema describes in her words, life comes together and falls apart,  it continues to do just that. i have been pouring over reruns of glee this last week and drinking in the chorus/show tune vibe. somehow it comfort me and lights the way for a part of my emotional journey. definitely a bff- big fag forever.

i got a text from a friend who is really struggling with his meth relapse. one day he refers to me as the "treatment police" and the next he sending me texts saying "love you". it would be nice if i didn't have to NOT pay attention to any of this. he is fucked up and so his words and actions reflect that. and until his use changes, his words and actions remain hollow and calculated.

i have been okayed for the trip to chicago in october. this is something i am looking forward to. i love my old friends there and always enjoy catching up. pluse a little respite from the daily grind is welcome. i will get to learn about the medical side of opiod replacement therapy. my skillset definitely needs to keep growing if i am to remain vital with my work.

these days, i am working on 2nd stage sobriety more than anything else. the layer of crazy that left me with getting sober has revealed a deeper more embedded layer of dysfunction that i had repressed both on purpose and unconsciously. i will say that i am very much in tune with my own tendency towards anger and the damage that creates in my life and the people around me. i can't say i have figured out exactly how to work through this, but i will continue to try.

but most importantly, today is a day of rest and relaxation for me. i have things to accopmplish at home and i owe it to myself to find enjoyment.  I must let go of keeping myself trapped in emotional pain. No one and no medication will be as effective at this as I can be.

"Understand that when you and I are involved in behaviors that diminish our self-esteem because they reinforce the definition of our self as liar, as not worthy of being loved, as incompetent, we get in all kinds of trouble. So what's on your 'stop' list? If you are trying to break an old relationship and you find yourself at three or four in the morning driving around the other person's apartment house check up on them, you need to stop doing this. The more you do that kind of behavior, the more it defines yourself as loser, as alone, as not able to win in this relationship. It is something that you need to 'stop' doing."... Ernie Larsen

today i journey back to 1979 and visit Edgar Winter's "Above and Beyond"... and i thank goodness i have those 70' from which to draw inspiration...