Friday, September 3, 2010

just say yes


i have been working at a small health clinic which is connected to the large public hospital in my city since april 09. it had become really clear that i had outgrown my position. an opportunity had presented itself at the larger hospital campus and it fell into my lap. there was the problem of no funding for this opportunity. subsequently, i encountered a personality that became like a shotgun shell that shattered the veneer of my emotional safety. it has become a daily ritual for me to wrap myself up in protective armor because i have repeatedly  from time-to-time found myself the subject of unkind side jokes and not-so-subtle ridicule from a small set of individuals i like to call the "the heathers" that i share job duties with.

months ago i realized that i would not be able to remain sane (?) unless i moved forward. there was an attempt to lay down my armor, but i just felt as if i was met with a handshake and a hidden dagger and it solidified my resolve. what next i thought, but also felt that i had to trust that it would be better to be happy than be in fear.

just this small decision to make a change rather than sit in shit opened up a new world for me. almost immediately i located a different position on the main campus continuing to do the work i have passion to do. i interviewed for this position yesterday and was informed that it potentially is filled with possibility i had in no way expected. and the tone of the conversation was supportive and hopeful, which had me believing somehow that once again it was safe to be me.

this is a small story in my life, probably very vague, but there has been a very major "a ha" for me. the "pop" that is supposedly heard after the 5 year mark of sobriety has resonated in my life. it has taken me this long to get to square one of understanding just where my shortcomings begin. i am getting the beginnings of an unclouded view of how i operate in the world. it ain't very pretty.

i have lived in fear for most of my life. i have been the subject of unkind chatter, both audible and whispered, and have developed a skin that is the thickness of ft knox. and i have accustomed myself to living like this. most likely, i defer to this emotional stance when i am not sure or feeling unstable. it is robotic. it is painful. it is not planned. but it is my nature.

so when i made a decision to try a different approach, to not bite off my arm to get out of the trap i was caught in, i feel i had made progress. i had grown. i felt free. a sense of freedom that invited the refreshing breeze of acceptance into my world.