Friday, September 10, 2010

mindfulness


the weekend has arrived, but i am pretty certain i am working through it. i picked up a level 1 dui class which is 12 hours fri nite and sat morning. then i am working a party on saturday evening in cherry hills. that leaves sunday as my day of rest, but i will have laundry, kitchen, and the rest to contend with.

i sound so whiney, which is a shame, because the truth is that i thrive when busy. i am left without the negative thoughts that run through my head when i have downtime. the more clean time i get, the more i realize that i must have been very tortured early on and that might one reason why i self medicated so heavily and so often. it has hurt in many ways to be sober. it has hurt to be me.

i phased out of my former position this week. it was a quiet and clumsy transition. i haven't wanted to be gone from somewhere with so much conviction in awhile. but as i turned in my laptop, my key, and my vocera, i was again steeped in a stir of echoes. the anger i feel inside from some long forgotten ghost compiled with the fear i experienced at being ridiculed in public. both these emotions were real, but not at all derived from today's experience. they were ancient manuscripts that resurrect themselves with repetition and wreak calamity upon my calm.

i phoned a friend whose voice reminded me that i am no longer that age and that it is no longer necessary to marinate in all that angst. i still can't quite get there on my own. but get there i did with her help. and then i got a random phone message from a friend telling me he thought i was "the best".  that voice was like salve on scalded skin. man, did that turn the heat down.

it's been a day. i have made it through. i hope for another.and then one more.

still love this song...