image credit andy houghton
"Everyone is always going through tough things, the irony in it is that everyone thinks what they're going through is just as hard as what you are. Life isn't about surviving this, it's about understanding this. "
Nicholas Sparks
at my age, it seems frivolous to be clumsy when it comes to love. i only wish that i had more field experience. but as is the case with trauma, i dug myself into a dark hole when it came to matters of my heart and i just remained there about 30 years.
at a certain juncture in this life, i was free-spirited, open, experimental, inclusive, and curious. or at least i think i was. maybe i had already begun to travel down a dark path looking for something i didn't believe i was worthy of, and landing myself in situations that would confirm just that. i made friends easily. i had a circle of acquaintances and confidants that both satisfied me and engaged me in growing in new directions. i had relationships aplenty until about 1996.
somewhere along the way, this grimm fairytale ended. the disney-like qualities and the naivete of my late teens and early twenties collided with a tsunami of fear and death and my personal story slipped into step with something that seemed otherworldly. the self-judgement and lack of grounding that can subterfuge a child that has been molested is not just a temporary thing. it can affect a lifetime. add to this, the double punch that society can add to a homosexuals life, and there you will find a recipe for substance abuse, sexual addiction, and self-sabotage. and i wore these garments as if the next decades were catwalks.
Louise L Hay
” I find it hard to believe that the vast, incredible Intelligence that created this entire Universe is only and old man sitting on a cloud above the Planet Earth….watching my genitals! Yet so many of us were taught this concept as a child. It is vital that we release foolish, outmoded ideas that do not support us and nourish us. I feel strongly that even our concept of God needs to be one that is for us, not against us. There are so many different religions to choose from. If you have one now that tells you, you are a sinner and a lowly worm, get another one.”
“When we remove sexual guilt from people and teach them to love and respect themselves, then they will automatically treat themselves and others in ways that are for their highest good and greatest joy.”
of course, these are internal struggles and issues. the visible side of my life didn't take such a dark turn always. it was, however, interacting with the interior goings-on at many many turns. and luckily, i have been able to rebound professionally somewhat, even though my emotional life is still rather stunted. but this inner life is where most of my focus goes now.
i find that i now examine my relationships with a more critical eye. i don't feel natural in my reactions to life. it feels protracted often. i love my friends- dearly. i am grateful that they have seen me at my worst and my best and have decided i am worth continuing to know. there is no amount of forgiveness that i haven't been given and it is the test for me to give the same in return.
being my age and afraid to feel hurt seems whacked. understanding that the hurt that comes along in my life will fade takes perspective. i still want to go back into that dark hole where i don't have to encounter anything when hurt comes my way. and sometimes i still do but remembering that dark doesn't contain light, and light is needed in my life- as often as possible.
so for today, i am remembering that being angry and afraid is not how i have to live my life. i have options. i have choices. i can take a chance and let go of this anger and fear. i can realize that maybe you don't know how i feel. maybe you don't connect your stance with where i am at. i have seen the movie from this seat before and i didn't like the view. but instead of getting angry, i can just find a new seat in the theatre.
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