Monday, March 28, 2011

amends



photo credit: annie liebovitz

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

with all my mumbo jumbo spouted on my blog, it remains quite clear that some parts of me still struggle with living within the wisdom of the stepwork. it is continually revealed to me that my ego is always using its muscle to re-establish dominance- and it often prevails. i am still running the race to become honest.

i have been increasingly stressed about some financial issues in my life. refusing to take action when they first appeared last year, they have not gone away, but instead festered until it became uncomfortable. my addiction worked in just this way-me not paying attention to the signs that uncomfortablility and possible damage imply, but doing what i want despite the possible consequences. and what follows is my inability to be emotionally available for the people in my life, as i am too busy numbing my feelings.

this pattern, although didn't involve me using drugs or alcohol, has caused harm to others in my life. and it in turn has caused me pain. if only i could just recognize this about myself, tell the truth, and move forward. this is how it is supposed to work. i am not necessarily built that way though. i have thicker skin and i may have a deeper layer of self-protection that needs to be first understood and then worked with to move past this old behavior. but like a bulldog that doesn't want to let go of a plaything, letting go of defensive behaviors is not at all easily come by.

what i know is that i grew up a very effeminate boy in rural illinois in a single parent family. eager for intimacy with men, i became sexually active at a very young age with guys who would then ridicule me publicly about being a sissy and a slut. shame dominated my life and the only way i survived was to develop an outer layer of courage that didn't let any of the insults or gossip in. i pretended not to be touched by all this, because deep down i was sure that if i did acknowledge any of it, i would have broken completely inside. what i now know is that i did break, but that's another story---- no wait... that IS the story- this is behavior that is ancient for me and when i behave like this, i miss the boat because i am not present in my life- i survive some  immediate, but i create more damage and pain downline.

part of this current truth has been reflected in my dealings with a very dear friend. i have recently become so pre-occupied with my own stuff that i have not been present for our friendship. i have not been able to listen, or to be there, or to have the compassion this friend deserves. i have been caught up in the echoes of my own mind.

paul- i am sorry for my terse behavior as of late. it is not my intention to put myself first, but i resort to putting up a front when i am in fear and it has a tendency to hurt others as it works to protect me. i will continue to work toward recognizing this about myself when it happens and not step on the accelerator.  you have never been anything but kind and supportive of me and you deserve the same. it causes me pain to think i may have dismissed or hurt you. if there is something i can do to make the situation better, please let me know. i am sorry. you are very important in my life and you don't deserve to be treated like this.