reckoning

image credit.... kuku smigun

the reasons i do what i do sometimes reveal themselves to me quietly and unexpectedly. i received a copy of a letter to be read at the "reckoning" of an acquaintance. i am without much to say. i think the words speak for themselves.

                I would like to apologize for bringing a syringe into the facility.  I didn’t have the foresight to see the risk it might have caused others.  I didn’t do it purposely but it came about through deviant behavior none the less.  This behavior is what I would like help addressing.  I don’t wish for forgiveness but instead am asking for help if there is any, to change my behaviors. 

 I don’t like who I am or how I came to be here.  I struggle every day with self esteem and find myself feeling sad and desperate with every decision I have made, but I understand need help to get on the right track.   I understand I have forgotten the skills to successfully make it in the community and it makes me feel hopeless and hate myself even more.  My only hope is there some type of “Change of behavior boot camp” available that I can use to my advantage.  I’m sick of just getting by and I don’t feel prison or jail will give me the necessary skills to be the person I want to become.  If I go back to jail, I will come back out the same person that I hate today.

                 When I was arrested last year I was a homeless, full time I.V. drug user with AIDS who was getting by with stealing and living off of government funding to get by. I was just barely getting by and there was no part of living about it. I was unhappy being who I was but using dope seemed to smudge the reality of being me, to get through the day to day grind.  Now that I am no longer homeless or using drugs, I see what is left of me in a clear and sad way.  I am very much a damaged individual. There is so much work to be done to come up to where I would like to be, that I don’t even know where to start at times.  It would be easy if I could take on just one problem at a time like I’m correcting clerical errors in this letter with word perfect, but life doesn’t come at me like that and I’m pretty sure yours either.  It’s overwhelming at times and again leaves me discouraged and hopeless.  

                                To get through these hard times, I look at what I have good going for me.  I am no longer homeless.  I am no longer using drugs on a daily basis to blur reality.  I am getting the best health care from a top doctor who really cares about me and wants me to succeed.  I am taking the bests drugs out there to maintain my health and understand staying off of dope is more than relevant to do this.  I am getting help from a very caring addictions counselor with my relapse prevention and cognitive classes.  I now have family and friends who will talk to me again.  When I was using they chose to have no contact with me.  Although I may not like myself yet, having someone tell me that they love me gives me the strength to do better and try harder.  I am even capable of getting employment but didn’t have the basic skills to maintain it, due to my recidivist behavior.   So I keep on doing what I think will work but the fact is, I am lacking some basic skills to continue and succeed at this program and life.   Please take all of this into consideration.  I do want to be here and if there is any program available to assist me in getting to a better place, other than prison, I am open to the change.

                                                                                                Thank you for help in this matter,