the gift

image credit.... kristofj and sean

I need to go outside

I need to leave the smoke

'cause I can't go on living in this same sick joke

It seems our lives have taken on a different kind of twist

Now that you have given me the perfect gift

You have given me the gift

today someone told me a secret about their life. they clearly didn't want to talk about it, but at the same time they really really did want to talk about it, too. i let them make up their own mind without asking. and i didn't press for details.

it was painful for me to watch and listen. it wasn't my pain, but it was full of pain none-the-less.  it wasn't a pretty story. nor was it happy. it didn't have a happy ending and it's doubtful it ever will.  there is much shame and guilt around it. there were first pleasures and lost boundaries. and  left on the floor are broken thoughts and jagged memories.

i watched tears roll softly and pointedly as the details unfurled. the teller kept reminding me how okay they were with everything- which couldn't be further from how it seems. what seems more likely is that the teller has become accustomed to the twisted feelings and somehow thinks (as survivors do) that this is how it always is.

i inquired about whether this wounded one had ever considered self-forgiveness. i was answered with a seesaw response of "i have forgiven myself" followed quickly and painfully by"i don't know how". from what i could surmise, both are true, with the latter overshadowing the former in accuracy.

today, i am reminded once more that the bullshit i ran away from in my childhood, used anything and everything i could heavily to drown out reminders, and then uncovered very clumsily in early sobriety has been transformed. i no longer lead with shame and self-degradation as my calling card. though they are definitely still there, they have been recessed to a back shelf where they provide backbone for empathy and and echo chamber to help me listen when working with others.

i understood today's fractured fairy tale quite well. i felt blessed that i could be with someone as they allowed themselves to remove some of their armor and feel.

i am not the man i had mostly planned to be. thank god. i am just the guy i have become. it truly seems a gift.