Saturday, December 15, 2012

end of the world


“The magnificence of such objects hardly pertains to the human. They live only in a world of icons and there they participate in rituals which transmute life itself to a series of grand gestures, as moving as they are absurd.” 
― Angela CarterBurning Your Boats: The Collected Short Stories


mid-december and the year end approaches. this year has been a whirlwind. i barely remember welcoming it and here is sit contemplating waving good-bye. i have grown immensely these last 350 or so. there were a few standouts. i have managed to help mend some family relationships that had been dysfunctional for some time. i have 2 cousins that are brother and sister, each 6 months apart from my age. we were close when we were young. we spent holiday time together each year and a few weeks each summer we spent at our grandmothers house. there are gads of pics of the 3 of us- mostly giggling and causing mayhem. i followed them to colorado when i was trying to run away from my dependence problems. 

anyway we really have not been speaking very much- and socializing even less. holidays have slipped by without phone calls, maybe a card with just a name signed at the bottom. as i now look i realize how drenched in my own ego i have been. but i have also been working on understanding and having boundaries in my life. and i continue to learn just how families can test boundaries like no others. i have been meeting with each of them periodically this year- usually coffee or with lunch. we don't giggle so much, and we are still causing mayhem albeit in our individual lives. but the soothing quality of someone knowing my history is palpable. and i am thrilled that a new chapter has begun.

i said goodbye to my sponsor of 7 years. he was consumed by cancer and spent 1/2 the year trying to distill the blow of recurrence and i spent that same time trying to be awake. in retrospect, i see that i had kept myself overly busy, mostly to avoid feeling anything i assume. i was scared to have him see me afraid and i am still learning how to be "in the moment". i am speechless when i think of how my life might have been if paul had not ushered me into recovery. and i can only wish that i will ever achieve the tenderness and grace he was able to transmit my way.

i learned that my emotions still rule my world at times. i became so frustrated with my efforts and the my perceived lack of response that i changed positions at my workplace, dropped a volunteer position, asked to drop another, all within a very short period of time. the transitions were seemingly smooth, but from my perspective, it seems i started shooting and asked questions later. honestly, i hope to do some work in this area. my instinct tells me that these "abandonings" are related to my heartache and loss somehow. it might be a pattern that is as old as i am. yet here i sit reviewing my actions and accepting them- a sign of significant personal growth for me.

i helped start a meth treatment program in a low-income suburb known for drug and alcohol problems. We have interacted with 5 persons thus far. j don't expect we will change the world, but i do sincerely hope we will have an affect on more than a few people. the message of hope and recovery is very faint in this burb. my mission is to project that voice. i have met a homeless young man who hasn't yet realized how lost he seems. he gets glimpses, but keeps blurring the picture so as not to really have to look. damn- can i relate to those tactics. 

i began working as a methadone counselor as one of my quick change transitions. it has opened my heart like a chocolate covered cherry. there are loads of gooey sweet stuff oozing out of me daily. i am learning about change, human nature, pain, coping skills, borderlines, denial in infinite ways.

i'll take a moment to consider the great loss of those young lives in connecticut today. all the peace and serenity i might have found in my life will have no effect on those families who have certainly lost touch with hope in their hearts. the helplessness is encroaching infinitely. 

That's great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and 
snakes, an aeroplane and Lenny Bruce is not afraid. 
Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn - world 
serves its own needs, dummy serve your own needs. Feed 
it off an aux speak, grunt, no, strength, the Ladder 
start to clatter with fear fight down height. Wire 
in a fire, representing seven games, and a government 
for hire at a combat site. Left of west and coming in 
a hurry with the furys breathing down your neck. Team 
by team reporters baffled, trumped, tethered cropped. 
Look at that low playing. Fine, then. Uh oh, 
overflow, population, common food, but it'll do to Save 
yourself, serve yourself. World serves its own needs, 
listen to your heart bleed dummy with the rapture and 
the revered and the right, right. You vitriolic, 
patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty 
psyched.....rem