numb

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

i have silently said goodbye to at least 15 acquaintances this year. most of them have been due to the lack of self care, much of which somehow accompanies having an hiv infection, being a gay man, or carrying around some dark childhood trauma that one can't seem to shake.

of course, this could just be a personal projection and not based in truth, but somehow i am inclined to believe it. i see it way too often for it to be some absurd coincidence. today i got word that perhaps another fellow traveller in this time has departed. it is hearsay thus far and wheels have been set in motion to root out some truth. the one i am thinking of has been an iv meth imbiber since his teens. he has been troubled since he was in the womb. and i think he has carried those injuries with him throughout his journey, often wearing them as a war medal.

my experience with him was brief. but it was also quite vivid. there is something very definite and memorable about someone who is in emotional pain. there is the quality of relief as i know that the pain i detected is doubtfully still acute. it is a raging brushfire that has been doused by the rains of the unknown agenda. but there is a remaining sense of numb that swirls around me still. i remember feeling helpless and ineffective. i remember wishing i could do more. and now i understand that all i will ever do in this case is remember.