camera obscura... through a glass darkly

It doesn't hurt me. 

Do you want to feel how it feels? 

Do you want to know, know that it doesn't hurt me? 

Do you want to hear about the deal that I'm making? 

You, It's you and me. 

And if I only could, 

I'd make a deal with God, 

And I'd get him to swap our places, 

Be running up that road, 

Be running up that hill, 

Be running up that building. 

Say, If I only could, oh... 

You don't want to hurt me, 

But see how deep the bullet lies. 

Unaware, I'm tearing you asunder. 

Ooh, There is thunder in our hearts.... kate bush

the darkness that seems to have settled upon my life at the beginning of this year seems a bit less stifling today. although continuing to be out of sorts, i sense some hope- with regard to specifically what i am not so sure. there is a recurrence of old feelings that i haven't yet pinpointed.

perhaps there is an innate sense of self-destruction that permeates my foundation. i know that i can't sense directly what is not right, but with time, i can rewind until i forage the rough steps and the missteps until perhaps motivation emerged.

i now realize (after only 1 week this time) that some ancient feelings got triggered somehow. i reacted as i have trained myself to. i then paused, looked around, and remembered that my emotional responses are not my desired ones. the recoiling of  the released ball of emotional yarn needs to happen. it is happening. staying in the moment is the last instinct.

meanwhile- the image i captured, although based in reality, is not at all a true image nor is the response a real response, but more i have just experienced a reflection of an old reaction.

it's a lotta friggin work to heal sometimes..

"Please forgive me. This post strains two metaphors and doesn’t do it very artfully. One, the camera obscura, represents, literally, the “dark room” in which many developers find themselves when working with a non-standards-based SOA development platform. The second, “through a glass darkly” represents the transition, indeed, the revolution, that developers need to accept in order to get SOA applications widely deployed".... an idea lifted from another blogger