dancing by myself

“Pride, envy, avarice - these are the sparks have set on fire the hearts of all men”..Dante Alighieri

the advent of recovery (or growing up)  brings the imposition of seeing one's reflection without the rose colored lenses. and this coming solstice seems it may find me reflecting on my nature and its relationship to my world. 

my good friend alex cast my horoscope for me about a year before he left for philadelphia in 2012. he defined a period of time in which my career aspects would bloom- about 7 years i believe. i have remembered his words intermittently since then- partially because i would love for it to be true- but also because my work is caught in a maverick swell like laird hamilton taking teahupo'o.  

just as a hungry homeless man, it seems i have wandered into a novella which provides me with nourishment for both my heart and my soul. i am often dumbstruck by the audacity of wonder and joy in my life. i am stretching, troubleshooting, problem solving, counseling, coaching, mentoring, advocating, networking, teaching and learning on a daily basis. some of the seeds i have helped plant have germinated and are growing and blossoming around us daily.

in concert with the growth of new ideas exists an oppositional side of change- the dying and the letting go of now antique ideas and processes. some of the latter variety don't let easily. their roots are deep and might require torching in order to recede. i have been singed and scratched and gotten somewhat dirty in this process. it is both exhilarating and dizzying at once. and once again i find myself in the line dance of company drama moving left and moving right without having time to look where i am going. 

the factions that disapprove are tenaciously biting and clawing at this new structure of change. and for me it is off putting, challenging, and contradictory. it is as if i am being serenaded (or called out)  by a caucaphonous siren sounding an alarm and warning others about these changes on an almost daily basis- just as piercing and betraying as was depicted  by donald sutherland in the original "invasion of the body snatchers" - see immediately below

needless to say, at times my days at work are memorable and creepy and very very campy. i catch myself changing reactions as quickly as i sometimes change shirts when deciding on dinner attire. the  drama and the screeching are pretty exhausing. kinda like a jackhammer outside the window day after day. it becomes an effort to remember what i am thinking sometimes. it never ceases to amaze me how it is that different people in the very same surroundings at the very same time can have such very different experiences. 

but i digress. the recovery directed part of all this is to examine my role here. what do i continue to engage in which creates an environment for these adverserial situations to keep re-appearing in my life. i concede that i am prideful, boastful, gregarious, entrepreneuiral. i act as a free agent often- even when i am on a team. i act first and collaborate later. i am most comfortable when i am delegating- even when it is not my charge. this ignites others at times, yet i continue to pamper my nature. 

wearing rose colored lenses has always allowed me to see myself as a sort of bambi in this dance. like bambi, i run through the forest trying to save myself from the heat and the guns. it's a role i have played since i was a boy and i do it often just from memory. without those lenses however, i see another choreographer's work at hand. the soundtrack has shifted and the company with whom i dance have all changed too. but there i am, dancing (almost all by myself) to a tune that is estranged from the pack in a worn out costume and with lighting now harsh and garish... oh what fun.