Wednesday, September 28, 2011

bear hug





In the winter of 2004, I dropped into a Sunday service of The Denver Church of Religious Science at 1420 Ogden. To my surprise, there was a small dark room peppered with normal looking folks all hugging teddy bears  of all colors and sizes, some bears in bow ties and some bears in leather vests and chaps. Everyone was listening to this guy (turned out to be Jim Chandler) giving what must have been a sermon.  It was the bear-hug service. It felt as if I had stumbled onto the set of a “Will and Grace” taping. It was completely surreal and I hope I never forget it. Here’s a tiny blurb I found about Bearhug Service.
On Valentine’s Day, our little messengers will make their final trip to Hospice.  Each hospice resident will have the opportunity to select their special bear – a bear to be there even when their family or caregivers cannot.  A bear to give them comfort on their journey from this life expression.  The caregivers at Hospice who give so much from their heart will also choose their bear, to fill their hearts again with our love.  And, any family members or friends of those in care may choose a bear to help mend their hearts at this time of loss.
The next time I saw/met Jim Chandler was when a friend and I were looking for a space to house a recovery meeting for meth users. There was another genre of recovery meeting that has just moved into the Ogden location and it seemed perfect. Jim was a complete advocate to get us clearance to use the space. He talked about how many of his gay male church members continued to struggle with meth issues, many to the point of devastation of their lives. He indicated he felt it was like a plague and wanted to help with more than just lip service. It turned out he took quite a bit of flack from his board. Many were not at all happy that tweakers would be roaming the halls of the church in the evenings unsupervised. Those meetings that started in those days are still going strong and it is not completely known how many Denver gay men (and others) that have been supported in finding their way back into a healthier lifestyle. He would never have acknowledged it, but it was because of Jim Chandler that gay men in recovery from crystal meth had easier access to find their own sober voices.
These are my experiences with Jim Chandler. He did a lot more than this for our community without fanfare and without a calling card. He didn’t always require grant money and he didn’t require research strategies to do outreach and help provide services. He was not perfect by any means, but he was a valuable and colorful member of the Denver central HIV community.
When I started this newsletter, I immediately asked him to contribute. He always did, without reservation- something I struggle to get service providers who get paid very good salaries to care for HIVsters to do. He sent article after article peppered with his own brand of idealism and religious science. I was truly saddened to hear about his transition. And I am still sad. I feel for his longtime companion Steve.  I guess I will continue to have a bear hug service for the both of them. 





Saturday, September 24, 2011

wayfaring stranger

image credit... sanjay kothari


I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger
Traveling through, this world alone
There's no sickness, toil nor danger
In that bright land, to which I go
I'm going there to see my mother/father
I'm going there no more to roam
I'm only going over Jordan
I'm only going over home

I know dark clouds will gather o'er me
I know my way is rough and steep
Yet beautiful fields lie just before me
Where God's redeemed, their vigils keep
I'm going there to see my mother
She said she'd meet me when I come
I'm just a going over Jordan
I'm just a going over home

I want to wear a crown of Glory
When I get home to that good land
I want to shout Salvation's story
In concert with the Blood-Washed Band
I'm going there to meet my Saviour
To sing his praise forever more
I'm just a going over Jordan
I'm just a going over home


i woke up early, fluffed the house with a 9am showing in mind, and headed out the door at 6:45 am to meet some afr board members, my co-host  and ivette torres from samhsa for breakfast. the day unfolded calmly and beautifully, but somehow i think the conversation and the meeting of intention at that breakfast changed me. it changed me in a way that is not drastic, but it opened a new corridor to strategic thinking that i have forgotten.
i know that nothing earth shattering took place, but i do believe that some metaphoric lock has been loosened. i felt it and i am quieted.  i have worked with afr for a while because of a few reasons. firstly, i believe in recovery as a positive aspect of life. i believe that addiction is far more rampant than we like to think about or discuss and afr challenges that societal norm.
maybe i have also come to understand that i enjoy advocating for an underdog, and recovery seems to fit that bill perfectly. so when i join direction with afr, i am rewarded with a sense of pushing for what i deem "right". in no way am i intimating that my opinion and my feelings about this are "the truth", but i share my personal experience around all this. so whatever part of me that is soothed by fighting for what is right gets a big stroke especially on a day like today.
the breakfast showed me a new game board, just like going up a level on any video game. i haven't started to play in this new level, but finding out about it was a big spiritual hug.
the fellow trudgers that shared their views on recovery today were simple and lovely. a 21 year old man shared his story of getting clean from heroin by pulling a geographical with his future wife. they left their lives, dried out and cleaned up, got jobs, got married, and have gone back to school. he has 5 years of clean time and his direct approach and his tendency towards helping others is hypnotic.
a woman shared about living with depression since her teens, and struggling with substance use, then discovered therapy and anti-depressants and her life has turned around. she has a purpose and a direction which is quite the antithesis of living with depression.
and the mother of a cocaine addict who has 2 years of recovery spoke about all the things she never realized (or had wanted to)  about addiction and all the tasks that have appeared for her life as she has walked through this recovery journey with her family. she has become an advocate and a mentor for other parents and in turn is healing more of herself.
another speaker was in department of corrections for 18 years. he went to a therapeutic community in lieu of serving out the other 18 years of his sentence. through all this, he reported finding a life when he never realized there might even be a different one available. the particular man has become a personal icon of mine. there is a genuine aura of love and healing when in his presence and as he teared up today talking about the sentencing judges remarks about never having to see him again, i again realized that i have so much to understand and learn.
we had the event at the park adjacent to some very well-known therapeutic communities for both men, women, and pregnant women. with those tc's, there were automatically 200 or so attendees. i believe we hit 500, but i didn't count. at the close of the rally, i sat and wondered if these glimpses and stories of hope, wonder, and recovery by people outside their existence would have an affect on any of them. i don't see how it couldn't. at least for one or two.
i saw a recent client of mine who has continued to struggle with meth who has been sentenced to tc. he saw me, recognized me, and decided not to acknowledge it. i understand this completely. i also believe that he may very well be one of those people who needs mental health treatment before recovery of any sort can truly happen. my experience of him is that he has no concept of self-comfort. and without that, how can one ever find peace? i empathize with a struggle to comprehend self-soothing on a very core level.
i am not sure how my interest in afr will evolve. i have volunteered to chair the rally committee for next year. i have a couple of other ideas, but then i always do. i look forward to doing the work. i am anticipating something wonderful.
until then, i am very happy to savor the blessings i have today. i don't remember feeling as carefree as i have this summer. when i finally let go of trying to submerge how i feel, i have been less overrun with those emotions.


Thursday, September 22, 2011

no need to kick tomorrow

i have been acting chair for the planning committee for the afr (advocates for recovery) rally and will emceeing with my friend kisty tomorrow. i have come to understand that this thing called recovery is very underrated. so much money is spent on prosecuting people who use and people who have addictions. so much more money is spent on incarcerating people for using drugs and alcohol and for being addicted. but so very little resources are spent on promoting and supporting this thing we call recovery. i guess it doesn't have quite the same glamour. for me, now, where my life has come, recovery is worth celebrating. it's worth shouting about. it's worth holding up to the light so that others might see.


2011 Rally Flyer_Final


Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Repeal Repeal Repeal








The discriminatory "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" ban on gay and lesbian service members is officially in the dustbin of history. For 17 years, the law prohibited qualified gay and lesbian Americans from serving in the armed forces and sent a message that discrimination was acceptable.

Today is the beginning of a new chapter for the nation's military. Gay and lesbian service members previously discharged under DADT now have the opportunity to re-enlist. Gay and lesbian Americans eager to serve the country but not willing to compromise who they are as individuals will, for the first time ever, be able to openly join. And brave men and women currently serving will have the freedom to come out and be honest with their comrades about who they are and who they love.


HRC members and supporters played a critical role in getting us here. You sent over 625,000 e-mails to your members of Congress urging them to support repeal. You helped us gather nearly 50,000 handwritten pro-repeal messages for delivery to Capitol Hill. And you supported our efforts in states across the country, lobbying your elected officials and engaging with the 20,000 veterans HRC mobilized to speak out in favor of repeal. Today, the results of your dedication are realized.

Where We Go From Here

Despite today's milestone, there is important work to ensure meaningful implementation of repeal and full equality for gay and lesbian service members.There are several actions that are crucial to continuing down the path of full equality:
Opposing discriminatory legislative actions brought by anti-LGBT lawmakers
Supporting the Respect for Marriage Act as a means of ending the discriminatory DOMA law
Providing oversight of military personnel decisions related to DADT repeal, particularly as they pertain to the extension and fair application of benefits
Reviewing the barriers to transgender individuals serving in the military
Repeal Article 125 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice, which criminalizes intimacy between same-sex couples

Learn more about what advocates for equality can do moving forward.... reposted from hrc.org