Thursday, March 10, 2011

about to fall....



photo credit andrea vecchiato
When I'm not afraid to fail, I wont. When I'm not afraid to fall down, falling down won't feel like failure. I have fallen down enough to get more comfortable with it, to know how productive it can be, how necessary it is to growth. Still, when I sense the ground beneath me giving way, I have to remind myself that it's OK if I falter. I have to remind myself that it's more than OK!

falling down has so much to teach me. if only i could learn as quickly as the needs arise. i find myself in the middle of a fairly grand fall n my life. it's not so much my outer layer of security that is affected, but it definitely is wearing out my ego. i am reminded vividly by my circumstances that i am not without flaw, i am far from fault-free, and i have much to learn about collaboration and teamwork. i misread my colleagues, i move in and out of trust too easily, and i am not as smooth or seamless as i like to think.

if this weren't sobering enough, i cannot run and hide as my imperfections flare up. instead, i must keep moving forward with a smile and a healthy helpful attitude, as this is the person i have committed to become. swallow my fear, comfort my inner child who is mortified yet again at my lack of perfection, and have faith that i will live through it.

all his seems jumbled somehow as i type, but i know that what i am struggling with is ego. plain and simple i am terrified of looking stupid, making a misstep, or looking foolish. and no doubt there is a lesson here to be won here. it's almost like i am playing musical chairs and i am praying that the music won't end. such a crazy way to live.

i am hoping more than anything that i can get to the place that i am courageous enough to just let go (and let god). free falling is the space i believe that grace is cultivated. long way to go..

i am reminded of pema chodron here ... mostly because i need to learn more deeply how to walk the walk.
"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found." — Pema Chödrön

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