mirror of cruelty

“My upbringing made me as I am now. But I can become merry and happy at once. There were many years I was feeling at a loss about my life or how I grew up. I couldn't understand what is right or what is precious. At that time, I was so miserable and self-defeating. I was feeling angry with various things. My anger came up to the surface then. I don't say such tendency has disappeared. Even now there are anger and the dark side in myself. But it's the first time I've been so close to the light.”... Johnny Depp

i hit a small professional milestone recently and today it culminated in a review, a diagnostic, and a repositioning. somehow recently amidst a lost of shifting around me, i got the impression that i would be shifting, too. alas, i have been sprinkled with disappointment. actually, today i even feel a bit drenched.

part of me knows that my wilted hopes are all my own design. bittersweet headline at best. knowing that i arranged my own pain has really not made the sting less sharp. my ego is all wrapped up in this mess. i love so much about where i am, but there is some not-so-love in here too. i find the reflections of myself startling me out of delusion more frequently than i prefer.sometimes, much like when i catch a reflection of myself in a window as i am walking, or as i slip by the bathroom mirror in the morning, and what looks back at me seems a bloated,  distorted. and deformed me, the realization that my hurting today is  an offshoot of an overestimated expectation planted by yours truly stinks.

photo credit Itzhak Ben-Arieh

i wanna scream out loud-"when is the world gonna give me more than i have?".."why am i not appreciated?"
without doubt, this is ego insanity. i am only suffering in my mind. i imagine i need certain "things" in order to feel loved. i need prestige to determine my worth. and i want things to assure me i am lovable. all this crap is just like an addiction. always needing more to try to be happy.

yuk.. i don't find fun in looking at the not-so-pretty sides of myself. i so would prefer to think myself as close to perfect as possible. sadly though, perfect is not even part of the truth. i am average. greedy, egotistical,  power-hungry, and no-better-than average.

love, love, love pixie lott