Saturday, April 2, 2011

coming up for air


"Be grateful to everyone" is getting at a complete change of attitude. This slogan is not wishy-washy and naive. It does not mean that if you're mugged on the street you should smile knowingly and say "Oh, I should be grateful for this" before losing consciousness. This slogan actually gets at the guts of how we perfect ignorance through avoidance, not knowing we're eating poison, not knowing that we're putting another layer of protection over our heart, not seeing the whole thing.
i went to a meeting today and the topic was gratitude. it's always a good topic and i can always get closer to more gratefulness. i don't share so much in meetings these days. i listen and i try to hear. today i heard. i heard a reminder that i am just where i am supposed to be. whether my brain has caught up to that fact or not. for me gratitude is densely layered. i had been running from death since the mid-80's and struggled with moving on from that nightmare at the close of the century. having made it through that mess with no real explanation as to why, i have nowhere else to go but gratitude. so many others were vaporized and it can only be right to feel blessed.

i have somehow been able to remain with cognition. i spent years trying to blot out fears and darkness. so much that at a certain point i remember declaring that i could no longer remember what i was trying to forget. what follows is the incredible fact that i can still string a few sentences together and have managed to connect to a few humans' hearts. i could cry as i tap this out realizing again that blessings come in ways i could have never imagined.

but what i wanted to write tonight especially, was the practicality of gratitude for me. when i am thankful, i simply feel better. when i am feeling lack, victimized, or anger i have a very hard time coming back to a peaceful place in my head- until i shift to gratitude. that shift in perception is quite simply a miracle. i have so much to be thankful for and i want to always keep that close to my heart. i need miracles in my life cuz hope usually comes along with them.