"People get into a heavy-duty sin and guilt trip, feeling that if things are going wrong, that means that they did something bad and they are being punished. That's not the idea at all. The idea of karma is that you continually get the teachings that you need to open your heart. To the degree that you didn't understand in the past how to stop protecting your soft spot, how to stop armoring your heart, you're given this gift of teachings in the form of your life, to give you everything you need to open further." — Pema Chödrön
my life has been turned upside down in the short span of a few months. my financial security is becoming embers before my eyes. my income shifted through a decrease in both a second and third jobs and i was too obstinate to take some action even though i knew it was happening. it speaks more to my nature than anything else. i certainly saw that my there was a shift, but i really dug my heels in a refused to heed the signs. and now, i am numb from debt and dealing with debt at a double dutch pace.
i keep reminding myself that no matter what happens i will be fine. and actually, i have already taken steps to reel in the wreckage. i must admit that i feel a bit like the manager of the nuclear reactor in japan- dealing with a very volatile situation, yet too proud and too stunned to ask for help. and the disastrous results of the inability to make smart and timely choices leaves a path of desolation in its wake.
and all the while this is being revealed, i find that my security in other arenas of my life is up for discussion. i learn that doing the right thing is not always enough to guarantee me getting what i want. and even though getting what i want, and having things the way i want them is not how i perceive myself to operate, it seems that i still value those attributes very very highly.
believe me, this is not the story i wanted to see the 1st quarter of 2011, but here it is anyway. i don't know it all, i am effected by the world around, and my ego continues to rule my decisions and lead me down dark paths.
what has changed, though, is my willingness to look at how i operate in my own life. and i have let go of being a victim of my own tendencies. i am at the mercy of my nature often- much more often than i'd like. but i am also connected to the undeniable currency of struggle. if i can refocus as i move forward, i can expand my heart. and if anything is true, it is that my heart implicitly needs to expand.