Monday, March 11, 2013

attack ships on fire

image credit.... ddmag.tumblr.com

I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.
 Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion.
 I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. 
All those moments will be lost in time like tears in rain. … 
Time to die.....
credited to Rutger Hauer


i have come through the 1st of what is probably going to be a series of very tumultuous weeks and months. although i have had the support of colleagues for the last month, it has really been my experience that support can be very much like applauding a performance. people applaud often because they get caught up in the moment. when the moment ends however, they pull themselves away from adoration and gingerly begin to pick at the particulars of an idea, or song, or play, or idea. 
i want to support an intervention at the workplace. although it has been quite punitive for so long, my intention is to bring choice, personal responsibility, and recovery waft within our walls. 

my career for this century has been woven around change. assisting people in creating change in their lives, in insisting on change in systems as well as creating new services to address unmet needs. i have found myself to be far more  effective and successful than i had ever imagined. this does not surprise me however because i have never really imagined failing. what i had never imagined was confronting the resistance that i have through all of this. not every single change that i have been involved in has brought controversy, however it has been a very sobering (ha!) journey to walk through some of the cheap shots and low blows that have been thrown in my direction. 

Co-Facilitated HIV+ Recovery Support Group as peer volunteer 
in tandem with an LPC at A.R.T.S. 2005-2006
Implemented a peer support group for LGBT seeking recovery from methamphetamine 2006
Co Chair Denver Office of HIV Resources Planning Council 2006-2010.
Strength In Numbers Colorado Moderator 2007-2009
Managed and implemented Cicatelli & Associates training for Peer Mentoring 
and kickstarted HIV One on One Colorado in 2009 
Operations Managing Partner for Travelink Management 1988-1998
Developed peer-to-peer 16 page quarterly newsletter "On The TEN" 
for Colorado HIV Community 2008-present
Helped establish Peer Advocacy 501C3 organization named TEN - Treatment Education Network in 2009
Recognized as Advocate of the Year 2010 by Advocates For Recovery Colorado
Implemented Meth Treatment and Recovery Program for Englewood Agency 2012
Created and maintained recovery oriented blog "The Climb" for AFR Colorado 2011-2012
Served as Recovery Rally Chair for AFR Rally For Recovery 2011 and 2012. 

i have encountered resistance along the way with so many of these endeavors. each individual effort of mine was met with resistance with origin of different sources, different individuals brought each of them forward, different motivations generated each of the attacks, some were subtle, some overt, some were hidden and some were on public display. i have felt battered now and again, however as you may see, the sum of the pieces seems an accomplishment- and i don't think my work is done.

there is a part of me that would like cry "victim" here, but clearly that ain't gonna happen. all of this life that i have  lived since recovery began is truly bonus time. i didn't expect to be here, nor did i really ever do anything to earn extra time on the clock. but i am here and i can't come up with a good enough reason to take it for granted, nor waste it. that being said, it's a priority to make the best of it. so i wanted to write about attack ships for a couple of reasons. i know i am going to feel attacked during this next year (and more) of change. and my sense is that i will be attacked. someone will disagree with me, someone will want to do what i am doing, someone will want to steer us in a different direction. it comes with the territory. and it is incumbent upon me to be realistic about this and find the wisdom to enjoy the dance. speaking of dance, i still love the revolting cocks version of "attack ships on fire" after all these years. it reminds me of bobbing my head, feeling connected to some volatile emotion  and even dancing by myself. and i love the quote from "blade runner" that uses the image of attack ships on fire.

dance, of course, is something i have experience with. maybe not lately, but back in the day i did have a reputation for not just cutting a rug, but also adding poetry to movement.. i loved to dance. i still love music. i assimilate with rhythm and i expand with silence. i have to remember this next year somehow that although i am feeling like a fraidy that i a don't project that- except to a few. isadora duncan dancced her way through her life. she heard a rhythm that others only wished for. and while she lived- she lived. i hope this is one of the lessons left for me to live.