Saturday, March 9, 2013

when the levee breaks


image credit ...ozge gurer
                                                                 

Cryin' won't help you, prayin' won't do you no good, 
Now, cryin' won't help you, prayin' won't do you no good, 
When the levee breaks, mama, you got to move. 
lyrics memphis minnie and kansas joe mccoy


sometimes i am in uber-love with facebook. it offers me hit after hit of glimpses of thoughts and ideas outside my everyday. my haphazardly honed adhd loves this effect. this morning it was a recording of led zeppelin's recording of "when the levee breaks" from their 1971 album "IV" the sight of that audio post gave me permission to zoom out of my life for a minute and put on a different pair of glasses.

continually saying yes has a price. i know this. i have seen this. i have lived this. but my innate desire to excel overrides any logic i might posses. my way is to take it on, take another on, and then say "sure" again mostly because nothing else ever comes to mind. i learned early on in life how to become teacher's pet. i purred in the luxury of excelling in the classroom and being perceived in a positive light, while the i spent the rest of my small town existence of a sissy boy queer orbiting in an atmosphere of whispers and shame. as fate (my teacher) would have it, this obsession with feeling accepted and an impulsive need for validation like a bird of prey  flies close to the falconer.

if i try to recap the events of this past week, my first emotional response is shame. and i don't have the clarity today to understand whether this shame is appropriate or if it is primal. (i hate this not knowing btw). i ran an emotional marathon this week-
 i sat through what seemed like endless arbitrary meetings
 i waded through some large marshes of co-workers discontent,
 i called off a mini-vacation in my old hometown 
i juggled finances and made some hard but necessary choices,
 i took some more ownership of a grant application,
 i wrote a bio-sketch of my peer support experience,
 i became hyper-sensitive mid week and walked through the rest of days,
 my car stopped working,
 i asked for help and got it,
 i received a note from a colleague expressing concern about the work project not being truly
 peer-driven,
  encountered some passive aggression from a person whom i recommended be re-assigned,
 said goodbye and good-luck to a favorite work mate who transferred to another department.


i am really gobsmacked just writing all this out. these last days i have felt like a gymnast on a balance beam. it's been daunting and precarious and felt competitive. and i have danced like a cobra for the snake charmer. i don't know if the dam will hold. but i do believe the ride is far from over.