image credit ...ozge gurer
continually saying yes has a price. i know this. i have seen this. i have lived this. but my innate desire to excel overrides any logic i might posses. my way is to take it on, take another on, and then say "sure" again mostly because nothing else ever comes to mind. i learned early on in life how to become teacher's pet. i purred in the luxury of excelling in the classroom and being perceived in a positive light, while the i spent the rest of my small town existence of a sissy boy queer orbiting in an atmosphere of whispers and shame. as fate (my teacher) would have it, this obsession with feeling accepted and an impulsive need for validation like a bird of prey flies close to the falconer.
if i try to recap the events of this past week, my first emotional response is shame. and i don't have the clarity today to understand whether this shame is appropriate or if it is primal. (i hate this not knowing btw). i ran an emotional marathon this week-
i sat through what seemed like endless arbitrary meetings
i waded through some large marshes of co-workers discontent,
i called off a mini-vacation in my old hometown
i juggled finances and made some hard but necessary choices,
i took some more ownership of a grant application,
i wrote a bio-sketch of my peer support experience,
i became hyper-sensitive mid week and walked through the rest of days,
my car stopped working,
i asked for help and got it,
i received a note from a colleague expressing concern about the work project not being truly
encountered some passive aggression from a person whom i recommended be re-assigned,
said goodbye and good-luck to a favorite work mate who transferred to another department.
i am really gobsmacked just writing all this out. these last days i have felt like a gymnast on a balance beam. it's been daunting and precarious and felt competitive. and i have danced like a cobra for the snake charmer. i don't know if the dam will hold. but i do believe the ride is far from over.