a prayer for us all

"People get into a heavy-duty sin and guilt trip, feeling that if things are going wrong, that means that they did something bad and they are being punished. That's not the idea at all. The idea of karma is that you continually get the teachings that you need to open your heart. To the degree that you didn't understand in the past how to stop protecting your soft spot, how to stop armoring your heart, you're given this gift of teachings in the form of your life, to give you everything you need to open further." — Pema Chödrön

my life has been turned upside down in the short span of a few months. my financial security is becoming embers before my eyes. my income shifted through a decrease in both a second and third jobs and i was too obstinate to take some action even though i knew it was happening. it speaks more to my nature than anything else. i certainly saw that my there was a shift, but i really dug my heels in a refused to heed the signs. and now, i am numb from debt and dealing with debt at a double dutch pace.

i keep reminding myself that no matter what happens i will be fine. and actually, i have already taken steps to reel in the wreckage. i must admit that i feel a bit like the manager of the nuclear reactor in japan- dealing with a very volatile situation, yet too proud and too stunned to ask for help. and the disastrous results of the inability to make smart and timely choices leaves a path of desolation in its wake.

and all the while this is being revealed, i find that my security in other arenas of my life is up for discussion. i learn that doing the right thing is not always enough to guarantee me getting what i want. and even though getting what i want, and having things the way i want them is not how i perceive myself to operate, it seems that i still value those attributes very very highly.

believe me, this is not the story i wanted to see the 1st quarter of 2011, but here it is anyway. i don't know it all, i am effected by the world around, and my ego continues to rule my decisions and lead me down dark paths.

what has changed, though, is my willingness to look at how i operate in my own life. and i have let go of being a victim of my own tendencies. i am at the mercy of my nature often- much more often than i'd like. but i am also connected to the undeniable currency of struggle. if i can refocus as i move forward, i can expand my heart. and if anything is true, it is that my heart implicitly needs to expand.

about to fall....

photo credit andrea vecchiato

“When I'm not afraid to fail, I wont. When I'm not afraid to fall down, falling down won't feel like failure. I have fallen down enough to get more comfortable with it, to know how productive it can be, how necessary it is to growth. Still, when I sense the ground beneath me giving way, I have to remind myself that it's OK if I falter. I have to remind myself that it's more than OK!”

falling down has so much to teach me. if only i could learn as quickly as the needs arise. i find myself in the middle of a fairly grand fall n my life. it's not so much my outer layer of security that is affected, but it definitely is wearing out my ego. i am reminded vividly by my circumstances that i am not without flaw, i am far from fault-free, and i have much to learn about collaboration and teamwork. i misread my colleagues, i move in and out of trust too easily, and i am not as smooth or seamless as i like to think.

if this weren't sobering enough, i cannot run and hide as my imperfections flare up. instead, i must keep moving forward with a smile and a healthy helpful attitude, as this is the person i have committed to become. swallow my fear, comfort my inner child who is mortified yet again at my lack of perfection, and have faith that i will live through it.

all his seems jumbled somehow as i type, but i know that what i am struggling with is ego. plain and simple i am terrified of looking stupid, making a misstep, or looking foolish. and no doubt there is a lesson here to be won here. it's almost like i am playing musical chairs and i am praying that the music won't end. such a crazy way to live.

i am hoping more than anything that i can get to the place that i am courageous enough to just let go (and let god). free falling is the space i believe that grace is cultivated. long way to go..

i am reminded of pema chodron here ... mostly because i need to learn more deeply how to walk the walk.
"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found." — Pema Chödrön

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