festival of light

i thought i would just share some short stories that have the winter solstice as a theme. somehow it has never really occurred to me until now, just how dark these last few weeks in december are and how important and affective the symbolic lighting of the trees and the bringiing in the light of stories and fables about the best in us- the kindness in us, and the giving qualities that almost all of us possess- when we are giving we are far less likely to be dwelling on other emotions. 

The Story of Santa Lucia

(There are several versions of the story of Lucia but this is a nice one!)

Lucia was an Italian girl, born in Sicily in the 3rd century A.D. It was a time when the Romans were persecuting Christians, and Lucia's family was Christian. When her father died, Lucia vowed to remain unmarried and to serve God, but since she didn't tell anyone about this vow, her widowed mother went ahead and promised her in marriage to a suitor who was not a Christian. Lucia said no thanks, I'd rather be an old maid, and she proceeded to give her dowry away to the poor. The young man's pride was severely injured, so he reported Lucia to the Roman authorities and she was tried and convicted of being a Christian. The judge decided that a suitable punishment for a woman who wanted to remain chaste was to be sold into slavery - to a brothel. But when the soldiers came to take her away, they were unable to move her! Rather than being awed by this, they proceeded to pour oil over her and set her on fire. The oil burned - Lucia did not! Still unimpressed, the soldiers beat and tortured her and tried to get her to deny her Christian faith, but she refused. So they stuck a sword into her throat and that did kill her. She died a martyr's death on December 13, 304 A.D. For her faithfulness, she was made a saint. 

How did a Sicilian saint become a part of Swedish tradition? Legend has it that back in the Middle Ages, the Swedish province of Varmland was experiencing a terrible famine and people were starving to death. On the longest night of the shortest day of the year - which also happened to be St. Lucia's Day, December 13th - a light suddenly appeared on Lake Vanern. It was a large white boat filled with food, and at the helm was a beautiful young woman in a white gown wearing a crown of lights. Lucia had come to rescue the Swedes! As soon as the ship was unloaded, it disappeared.

Swedish custom is that on Santa Lucia Day, mother and children get up very early in the morning to make the traditional Lussekatter (rolls made with saffron) and Luciapepparkakor (ginger cookies). The oldest daughter portrays Lucia dressed in a long white robe with a red sash with a crown of lit candles on her head. She carries the tray of food as she leads the procession of mother and the other children who sing the traditional Santa Lucia song as they march to the father's room. 

Traditionally, the winner of the Noble Prize in Literature has the supreme honor of crowning Stockholm's Santa Lucia. Traditionally, miracles can happen at midnight on the eve of St. Lucia's Day and animal may talk. Traditionally, the cook buries the lutefisk in beech ashes on St. Lucia's Day. You don't have to be Swedish to celebrate Santa Lucia - Lucia wasn't a Swede! Välkommen! Varsågod!

THE TAIL

There is a story about a princess who had a small eye problem that she felt was really bad. Being the king's daughter, she was rather spoiled and kept crying all the time. When the doctors wanted to apply medicine, she would invariably refuse any medical treatment and kept touching the sore spot on her eye. In this way it became worse and worse, until finally the king proclaimed a large reward for whoever could cure his daughter. After some time, a man arrived who claimed to be a famous physician, but actually was not even a doctor.

He declared that he could definitely cure the princess and was admitted to her chamber. After he had examined her, he exclaimed, "Oh, I'm so sorry!" "What is it?" the princess inquired. The doctor said, "There is nothing much wrong with your eye, but there is something else that is really serious." The princess was alarmed and asked, "What on earth is so serious?" He hesitated and said, "It is really bad. I shouldn't tell you about it." No matter how much she insisted, he refused to tell her, saying that he could not speak without the king's permission.

When the king arrived, the doctor was still reluctant to reveal his findings. Finally the king commanded, "Tell us what is wrong. Whatever it is, you have to tell us!" At last the doctor said, "Well, the eye will get better within a few days - that is no problem. The big problem is that the princess will grow a tail, which will become at least nine fathoms long. It may start growing very soon. If she can detect the first moment it appears, I might be able to prevent it from growing." At this news everyone was deeply concerned. And the princess, what did she do? She stayed in bed, day and night, directing all her attention to detecting when the tail might appear. Thus, after a few days, her eye got well.

This shows how we usually react. We focus on our little problem and it becomes the center around which everything else revolves. So far, we have done this repeatedly, life after life. We think, "My wishes, my interests, my likes and dislikes come first!" As long as we function on this basis, we will remain unchanged. Driven by impulses of desire and rejection, we will travel the roads of samsara without finding a way out. As long as attachment and aversion are our sources of living and drive us onward, we cannot rest.

From Daring Steps toward Fearlessness: The Three Vehicles of Buddhism, by Ringu Tulku Rinpoche

when doves cry

Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer.

William S. Burroughs

“nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know 

…nothing ever really attacks us except our own confusion. perhaps there is no solid obstacle except our own need to protect ourselves from being touched. maybe the only enemy is that we don’t like the way reality is now and therefore wish it would go away fast. but what we find as practitioners is that nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know. if we run a hundred miles an hour to the other end of the continent in order to get away from the obstacle, we find the very same problem waiting for us when we arrive. it just keeps returning with new names, forms, manifestations until we learn whatever it has to teach us about where we are separating ourselves from reality, how we are pulling back instead of opening up, closing down instead of allowing ourselves to experience fully whatever we encounter, without hesitating or retreating into ourselves.” 

― Pema Chödrön

another week sails by. i am feeling stronger and healthier, although a patient came to an appointment yesterday swirling in a cold virus and i am pretty sure i am at odds with that today. a couple of weeks ago, i had put a message out into the world that i was open to a change. that message brought a response this week and i have acknowledged a doorway to change and started to make room for additional energy to enter my world.

it felt strange to do this. i wrestle with my own nature which creates the most discomfort in situations for me. my friend paul always repeated to me that it is not our reactions to life that get us into trouble, but our over-reactions to life that create problems. more and more i see what he means. i have hosted a plethora of feelings during this tiny process i speak of here. and i find myself encountering remorse and guilt as i consistently swim in after a new experience. that of course is my own brand of ptsd- shame. 

there are two trends in our modern culture that i have always avoided, however have also come to understand more deeply in accordance with understanding myself. tattoos are one exercise in self-expression that have always overwhelmed me. firstly, i remember my grandfathers old green inky and crinkly tattoos from the navy. i thought they were the ugliest and creepiest things i had seen. i absolutely never wanted something old and green on my skin. also i never really have found an image that would be universal or long-lasting enough for me to be able to connect with 20 years later adorning one of my appendages. but as i get older i realize they are badges of courage in a way. they represent a validation of experience and proof of life in a way. i still don't need or want to get a tattoo, but i certainly respect the tradition they have become. i think i may have an emotional tattoo almost branded in my brain. that is enough.

the other trend would be plastic surgery. i am more able to relate to that ritual because there are things i very much do not like about my nature. i almost with that i could have a surgical procedure and the character defects i dislike would vanish into thin air or be tossed away with the other remnants that are gathered in the operating room. i might feel better about my life if i could have my shame removed by a procedure. not likely to happen- but more and more, i can relate to the desire which drives a nose job etc... it's a real inconvenience to not like something about one's self on a consistent basis. 

practicing mindfulness

It’s also helpful to realize that this very body that we have, that’s sitting right here right now… with its aches and it pleasures… is exactly what we need to be fully human, fully awake, fully alive.

Ok, maybe it’s also important to have food, clothing, and a roof over our heads for many of us to be fully human, fully awake, and fully alive. Let’s not let that small point take us away from the brilliance of this quote.

What’s so brilliant about it? For reason particularly driven by subtle messages from the media driven into our forming minds, we are a culture driven by a need for “more” in order to feel alive or happy. For other reasons we are also a culture driven to try and eradicate discomfort. Both of these messages are partly driven by business trying to make a buck and spending billions of dollars are marketing to drive this into our minds.

The price?

A constant feeling of dis-ease within us. We’re can’t be content with where we are in any particular moment because our minds are either trying to flee away from some discomfort or toward some comfort.

Pema Chodron is simply trying to remind us that aches and pleasures are part of the human experience. There may not be a catastrophe when a pain is there, it may just be part of being “fully alive.” There may not be a need to get the wheels anxiety or distress to be set in motion. Of course, if you are under extreme distress or have an inkling that something is off physically, it’s important to get it checked out by a medical professional.

However, next time you’re feeling physical or emotional pain, know that this is temporary and say to yourself, “maybe this is exactly what I need to be fully human, fully awake, fully alive.” See if you can bring your attention to it with a sense of compassion and caring. Next time you are feeling pleasure, also know that this is temporary and part of being fully alive... reposted from monday's mindful quote

wow- what a very uncomfortable week this has been. i started feeling a sort of gurgling discomfort in my sinuses on monday and stayed in bed for 3 days with a fever and runny nose missing both my day job, but also cancelling on a catering gig which did leave a hole in my monthly budget.  when i spoke with my doctor's office, i was informed that they recommended that i let the infection run its course and would be offered antibiotics after 10 days or so. i felt betrayed by this news which is ironic because i rarely take any meds (, aspirin, cough syrup, cold pills other than my hiv and psych meds for any reason. however i have had a sinus infection a few times before and have found that to be something that i am susceptible to and very weakened by for some reason. back in the late 80's, my sinuses swelled onto the surface of my forehead giving me a cyclops sort of presentation that caused me to scream when i saw my reflection in the mirror. even that time, i didn't take medication, i used steam and vapo-rub for about 4 hours. luckily, the channelling of a lon chaney type creature vanished with not much residual affect other than that gorilla i saw in the mirror. 

anyway, a couple of years ago i had another infection and it went on ad nauseum. i couldn't shake the fever and the nose might as well have been training for a triathlon. the only relief came very late in the game in the form of amoxocillin. and this week i found myself wanting that same order and with the response from my caregivers that i didn't qualify, my sense of balance seemed to waft away like the scent of a freshly baked pie flows out of the kitchen. 

i had to pull myself up from my bootstraps and visit them in person and plead my case- with several sales pitches in tow. "i can't lay around for days doing nothing"- " i feel like i am being punished for being healthy" " i don't really want to use up a week's pto with a crappy fever and box of kleenex. somehow i got my way. 

what also became apparent was that the mercury-in-retrograde stage directions had been put into place. my car wouldn't start, my dishwasher ran some sort of leak, the order of snacks for my group didn't get placed, the meal i planned to pick up for another group didn't get handled because of the car. in spite of all these mishaps ( quite plentiful for one  day) were also met with an answer from my life which caused no real trauma other than to my sense of balance. the early groups survived with no doughnuts- the second group had no attendees so i disappointed no one directly- my friend loaned me a car for a week, and nothing seems damaged by water all over the floor. 

with all the blows to my plans for my life this week, there also has been a net that showed up to catch me from any imminent fall. in other words, i didn't crumble or suffer- other than in my own mind. actually my life protected me - even from me.

that's the good news. and it is good. the other side of the story is that i have not been on my best behavior nor in my best frame of mind. i have wallowed in a little pity, played a bit of the victim, been a bit gamey and childish,  and worked it more than i would like to admit.  being human is really damn humbling...

am offering 2 selections with today's post- 1 with homage to the mindful part of myself and the other with a nod to the diva that walks the catwalk inside my head with repetition.... mercury in retrograde leaves november 10- fingers crossed we make it without too much more destruction and re-creation..the title of this post is practicing mindfulness - the emphasis is on practicing.

october gypsy

Tiny Wisdom: The Beauty of Starting Over

By Lori Deschene

“Celebrate endings, for they precede new beginnings.” -Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Yesterday I spent more than an hour writing something I intended to publish today—and then I lost it. Since I hadn’t slept much the night before, I wasn’t completely attentive and somehow, I must have closed out the Word document before I titled or saved it.

That same exhaustion made it somewhat difficult to communicate my thoughts clearly when writing. But I did—after an hour, I’d expressed everything I wanted to share. Then it was gone.

Initially, I considered rewriting the post, and trying to remember exactly what I’d written before. Then I decided that maybe the lesson was to let go and start anew.

In college, teachers and peers had to fight me to change even one word in my writing, let alone a full sentence. When they did get me to edit, I’d likely only change a small portion, without allowing that new train of thought to further shape the entire piece.

I was stubbornly attached to every first draft. After putting so much thought and effort into it, I was afraid that making changes would be like picking thread on a sweater—the whole thing would unravel and I would be left with nothing. I would essentially have to start over.

I eventually realized this tendency translated into my everyday life. Once I set a goal, I was afraid to revise it—even if it became clear that was no longer what I wanted—because I was afraid to start over.

Once I got into a new relationship, I was afraid to walk away from it—even if wasn’t healthy or satisfying—because I was afraid I’d have to start over.

Ironically, I wasted a lot of time clinging to things that had run their course simply to avoid feeling like I’d wasted time.

It’s human nature to get attached when we’ve invested a lot of time in something. But an investment is only as valuable as its return—meaning we owe it to ourselves to recognize when we can get a better one by wiping the slate clean and starting over.

Letting go can feel like a loss. That’s because it is. But every loss paves the way for a gain, if we’re willing to receive it. Every time we let something go, we open ourselves up to something better.

“There is something in October sets the gypsy blood astir, We must rise and follow her; When from every hill of flame, She calls and calls each vagabond by name”.... william bliss carman

what an incredible couple of weeks we have come through. it seems almost like a strange 20th century fiction pulp fiction novel with has given us a peek into the absurd and not the actual events of a 21st century advanced government body. i repeatedly found myself these last few weeks in a state of frozen stun due to the carnival-like quality of rhetoric that was emanating from our capital city. i still don't think i have recovered from the shock that the shut down rolled out. and i wonder what subterfuge was (and is) transpiring while the main stage was occupied by the house of representatives marionettes. 

i am also mesmerized at how this national theatre of the freaks has mirrored in my daily life with an eerie intensity. it is almost as if my interpretation of my role and my activities has deconstructed and i am now looking at my life with new eyes and shaping my impression with new hands. with this new vision i realize i have have been daily interfacing with a multi-headed hydra of malcontents that routinely create a droning drama which feels just like an old record player needle skipping on a scratched vinyl 45. what used to present as an opportunity to problem solve has now taken on a new complexion of a child's face whincing as it endures the repetition of a whining car alarm in the distance. 

another remodel in my life comes via my vocation. i love working with clients still although some of my idiosyncrasies have changed there as well. i am increasingly developing a sense of boundary and becoming less willing to be beckoned at any call. i often find myself walking through the hallway and encountering 5 to 10 questions or inquiries. sadly, at this juncture, i am unable to remember all those soundbites and it often causes me to forget things. so on a daily basis i am setting myself up to err. this is not a pleasant way to practice care giving. of course, i struggle with the appropriateness of having boundaries. but that's a spiritual practice that will probably last my lifetime. 

i have somehow come to view my living situation with a different lens as well. it has occurred to me that i have an option of renting my townhouse out and finding a new place to dwell. this has always been an option, i had just never considered it until this month. and in the considering, i have felt the load i carry daily lighten just a bit. making the effort to actually make the above change is another story. the option, however, resembles a small window opened to let a cool breeze in on a muggy afternoon. 

i have felt myself change my view on so many aspects of my world during this october 2013. i had a solitary "moment" of panic which caused me to want to toss the whole game table over letting the cards, the chips, and the drinks fly all over. instead, i have clenched tightly, almost playing lifeless, recoiling my emotions and recoiling my laissez faire energy output. and with that clenching, a fresh path using these new perspectives is being carved. i can't be sure how this will finally feel, but i am inspired by the vagabond nature of it all. my october 2013 is all about this primal journey my inner gypsy has awakened to begin travelling. 

defense ... not offense

\

Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past. ~ Lily Tomlin

off balance

surprise attacks

vendetta

payback

strike

surprise

ambush

mental health

envy

catty

" rod- although this isn't usually the case, you actually look nice today. those pants really fit and make you look slim" he has been sidelining me every time he sees me in the last few weeks. in front of others, within ear shot, making sure he is loud. i listen without flinching or reacting, but it sickens me.  it reminds me of picking up dog doodoo in the park- it stinks but it is the right thing to do. i believe he is angry for several reasons. all of them have to do with him. i am resisting the urge to retaliate. i am pondering the concept of turning the tables. somewhere inside i believe that these are not appropriate responses. i am not sure if have grown to that level spiritually. i long for the fortitude it takes to turn the other cheek. i wish desperately to be strong enough to do nothing. this is just another test of my resolve to understand that the right action may be no action.

 i am flawed- but cleaning up so well. 

                                                                         Forgiveness

When we undertake the practice of forgiveness we find a portal to grace. A window to acceptance. We find at the core of every heartbreak, every betrayal, every event that we feel victimized by, every person we feel has harmed us, and every person we feel we may have harmed, that what we truly have been seeking is forgiveness of ourselves.

In times of sadness, deep grace, anger, happiness, gratitude and confusion it is helpful to incorporate forgiveness into our daily lives. This is the oil that runs the machine of our hearts. When the doors of the heart rage and threaten to close it is us who suffer and not who we feel is the justful target of whatever has happened. Forgiveness stokes the flames of beauty that live within our hearts. Saying this Forgiveness prayer in all situations can have beneficial healing effects. As Jack Kornfield says: "Forgiveness makes our hearts grow sweeter."

A Buddhist Prayer of Forgiveness

If I have harmed anyone in any way either knowingly or unknowingly

through my own confusions I ask their forgiveness.

If anyone has harmed me in any way either knowingly or unknowingly

through their own confusions I forgive them.

And if there is a situation I am not yet ready to forgive

I forgive myself for that.

For all the ways that I harm myself, negate, doubt, belittle myself,

judge or be unkind to myself through my own confusions

I forgive myself..... reposted from The Alchemy of Healing

Man In The Mirror

Each day, we're given many opportunities to open up or shut down. The most precious opportunity presents itself when we come to the place where we think we can't handle whatever is happening. It's too much. It's gone too far. We feel bad about ourselves. There's no way we can manipulate the situation to make ourselves come out looking good. No matter how hard we try, it just won't work. Basically, life has just nailed us.

It's as if you just looked at yourself in the mirror, and you saw a gorilla. The mirror's there; it's showing "you", and what you see looks bad. You try to angle the mirror so you will look a little better, but no matter what you do, you still look like a gorilla. That's being nailed by life, the place where you have no choice except to embrace what's happening or push it away.

Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape — all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can't stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain. In fact, the rampant materialism that we see in the world stems from this moment. There are so many ways that have been dreamt up to entertain us away from the moment, soften its hard edge, deaden it, so we don't have to feel the full impact of the pain that arises when we cannot manipulate the situation to make us come out looking fine.... Pema Chodron

this could be seen as a lazy post. and maybe it is. none-the-less the irony of the lyrics of this song and cory's struggle are hard to let lay. my understanding is that he just got out of rehab in early june. he was working to some degree at taking a look at the man in the mirror. and that is not an easy task. i understand very closely how unaware he probably was of his mortality. no doubt he was too occupied running from his reflection. but i feel very blessed to have encountered some of his strengths. his voice had an effect on my sanity.

thank you.young cory... for living your own life- you made an impact and changed lives. maybe next time the road be more gentle on your soul,

talking to the moon

image credit... earthsky.org

i feel as if i have just finished a really long novel such as "war and peace", "the stand", or "illness as metaphor". i guess i could just as easily say i feel spent. this past week has been a whirlwind of activity and emotion. i have watched breakdowns, several crises, a firing of a co-worker, the amazingly heart-breaking quality of an addicted person utterly lying unabashedly with complete disregard for my disbelief, an increased level of social activity, 

perhaps it is my ancient cellular memory, but i attribute the recent spike in mayhem to that big planet we call "the moon". and this solstice finds it nearing us even more and i believe that action demands a reaction. 

i really don't mind any of this. as a matter of fact, it instills a sense of reassurance that the universe is bigger than my life and that whatever spiritual program i ascribe to, i better lean on it a little more right now. and so i do. 

despite the recent fireworks, there is quite a bit of hope and excitement in my life. changes keep rolling into my life just as the tides do- also, btw, very influenced by the moon i am told. the solstice signals change to the extreme. the days begin to shorten. the temps begin to climb. most crops begin to bear fruit. and the planet positions seem to shift as the axis of the earth dances with the sun.

my work in all this moon and solstice madness is to remember that today and its emotion and its mood are only notes and stanzas not the entire symphony. i get so caught up in the swell of it all that i forget what has gone and what's to come. so i am gonna try this weekend to really remember what a gift it all is really. the craggy parts as well as the smooth ones. and i hope i get the chance to imagine flicking the supermoon with my fingers as the skullcrushers might. 

and here's the cooking fun this weekend... 

© John Kernick

Ginger, Green Apple, Sweet Onion and Coconut Salad

1. 2 Granny Smith apples (about 1 pound)—quartered lengthwise, cored and thinly sliced crosswise
2. 1 small sweet onion, such as Vidalia, quartered lengthwise and thinly sliced crosswise
3. One 3-inch piece of ginger, peeled and cut into 1/8-by-2-inch matchsticks
4. 1/2 cup finely grated peeled fresh coconut
5. 3 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
6. 2 tablespoons finely shredded basil
7. Salt and freshly ground pepper
8. Lemon Verbena Oil

1. Toss the apples with the onion, ginger, coconut, lemon juice and basil. Season with salt and pepper. Add 3 tablespoons of Lemon Verbena Oil and toss; serve.

NOTES To grate your own coconut, start by preheating the oven to 350°. Twist a screwdriver into 2 of the eyes (small indentations) at one end of the coconut, and drain the liquid inside. Bake the coconut for 20 minutes to help the flesh pull away from the sides. Wrap the coconut in a towel, place it on a hard surface and crack it open with a hammer. Pull apart the pieces, and use the screwdriver to snap the white flesh away from the shell. Peel off the skin with a vegetable peeler, then grate the flesh on a box grater.

don't jump over yourself

Hope and fear come from feeling that we lack something; they come from a sense of poverty. We can’t simply relax with ourselves. We hold on to hope, and hope robs us of the present moment. We feel that someone else knows what’s going on, but that there’s something missing in us, and therefore something is lacking in our world.

Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look. That’s the compassionate thing to do. That’s the brave thing to do. We can’t just jump over ourselves as if we were not there. It’s better to take a straight look at all our hopes and fears. Then some kind of confidence in our basic sanity arises.

what a hella week for me. how about you? we were on lock down cuz some ex devotee called in a bomb scare. we had swat teams on several corners with machine guns in tow. add to this the fact that we interface work with many people who have schizophrenia and are paranoid and restless without the presence of ammo. false alarm and no one hurt, however. 

i have been struggling with an acquaintance who probably has dementia and lives on their own. i believe it's dementia which is caused by their advancing liver disease. i am at once trying to get them to see a doctor or cease their drug use. neither plan is actualizing very easily. and they have now presented with an infection on their leg which encompasses the complete surface from ankle to knee and resembles the  terrain of a red clay volcano with a concave center revealing some bone. 

earlier this week, i helped someone who was struggling with walking, moving hunched over almost in half. they went to their doctor and then referred to another. the term "life-threatening" was strewn about. a coupla days later, they appeared in a too small wheelchair because they were still unable to walk. i gave them the name of an organization that provides free temporary wheelchairs- hoping a better fit could be had. i received a call yesterday from the hospital they had been admitted into. and today i received another more whimpering call today in fear of impending surgery.

a peer to peer recovery group we started last year had it's 1 year anniversary this week. there was a celebratory pot luck and over 35 persons participated. the participants shared about their success. the core participants in our effort have tripled or more within this year. and the discussion of problems is gently folding into a much more audible conversation about change and possibility. 

there is a sweeping wind of change that is moving through my daily life. it is bending me into an emotional posture resembling munsch's "screamer" with the skill of rodin. i am playing a part. a part in a much larger story. i don't know my exact role now, but these dry runs are exhausting. exhausting and exhilarating. there is a deeper dream that is being tapped in me. i am able to discuss some of this with my supervisor with candor. 

i really love this interview with patti smith... give it a listen

Patti Smith: Advice to the young from Louisiana Channel on Vimeo.

event of a thread

Jetsyn greeting an old woman

In a large field Jetsyn came across a very beautiful girl, about fifteen years old. He went up to her , and she kindly invited him to her house, pointing, "It is over there. Wait for me at the door. I will come directly."

Accordingly, Milarepa went to her home, pushed the door open with his staff, and went in. At once an ugly old woman with a handful of ashes rushed at him, shouting, "You miserable yogi-beggars! In the summer you all show up begging for milk and butter! In the winter you all come for grain! I'll wager you wanted to sneak in to steal my daughter's and daughter-in-law's jewelry!"

Grumbling and trembling with rage, she was about to throw the ashes at Milarepa, when he said, "Wait a minute, Grandmother! Please listen to me!"

He then sang:

Grandmother, you are an angry woman,
Question your own thoughts and examine your mind.
Practice [the best of] the Buddha's teaching.

When you were first sent here,
Did you dream you would become an old nanny-goat?
In the morning you get up from bed,
In the evening you go to sleep,
In between, you do the endless housework;
You are engrossed in these three things.
Grandmother, you are the unpaid maid.

Question your own thought and examine your mind. Then things may be different for you.

The head of the family is the most important one,
Income and earnings are the next most longed-for things,
Then sons and nephews are wanted most.
By these three you are bound.
Grandmother, for yourself you have no share.

Question your own thought and examine your mind [if you can, so far as you can].
Grandmother, you are burned up with fury.

Gossip about other women and their manners is what interests you;
To talk of widows and relatives is your delight.

Grandmother, are you so gentle when you gossip?

To lift you from a chair is like pulling out a peg;
With feeble legs you waddle like a thieving goose;
Earth and stone seem to shatter when you drop into a seat;
Senile and clumsy is your body, Grandmother, you have no choice but to obey.

Question your own thought and examine your mind. From that you may find out how you have changed.

Your skin is creased with wrinkles;
Your bones stand out sharply from your shrunken flesh;
You are deaf, dumb, imbecile, eccentric, and tottering;
You are thrice defonned.
Grandmother, your ugly face is wrapped in wrinkles.

Your food and drink are cold and foul,
Grandmother, you are now a wretch,
half woman and half bitch!

Now, with fear and grief at heart,
You watch the time of death draw nigh.
Grandmother, can you face death with confidence?

Upon hearing this profound, melodious song, the old woman was so moved that she regretted what she had done to the Jetsun, and could not help shedding tears. [139-39, passim, and slightly modified.]

the event of a thread from Paul Octavious on Vimeo.

radical acceptance

image credit... denis darzacq

as i have been working with patients at the hospital and with clients at my other position as well as muddling through my own experiences, i came across a copy of tara branch's book "radical acceptance". as i pondered its content, i was knocked hard in the gut with the concept that one always returns to thinking and believing that something is wrong with them. i guess this seems naive to say, but not only do i have this tendency, but it has never occurred to me until now that it might not be normal- otherwise that there might be another way to just "be". 

understandably, it is at once a relief and very daunting that a process may be able to get me from dark to light with some simple steps. a few of them are listed below in a quote from ms. branch. but the 1st of these is a coping skill named radical acceptance. it goes against my nature, which may be why it seems almost as brilliantly simple like fire or the wheel. 

as i have been savoring this idea, my world-and my work- has been opening up like a birthday gift with lots of paper. the main component of radical acceptance is that resistance equals suffering and pain. check. most of my horrors are shame-based- therefore if i can move to "here's where i am- better start here" the pain from shame seems to go "poof".

more on this no doubt, as life continues. radical acceptance may just change my life forever.

"I’ve found that whenever I am really suffering, on some level I am believing and feeling that “something is wrong with me.” Over the years I’ve been drawn to three primary gateways for awakening from this trance. In the Buddhist tradition they are referred to as the three refuges:

One (called “sangha”) is loving relationship-both live contact with loved ones and also meditation on the love that’s in my life. In the moments of remembering love, there is an opening out of the sense of separate self. For me, reflecting on love has included prayer to the beloved, to what I experience as the loving awareness that is my source. When I feel separate and stuck, that loving presence might seem like it’s apart from me and “out there.” But by reaching out in longing and prayer, I’m carried home to the loving presence that is intrinsic to my Being.

A second gateway (“dharma” or truth) is taking refuge in the present moment. The training of meditation is a gift as it has helped me to pause, wake up out of thoughts and contact my moment to moment experience. When I am no longer running away or resisting what is happening inside me, I reconnect with the space and compassion that has room for whatever is going on. 

A third gateway (“buddha” or “buddha nature”) is turning towards awareness itself. Most of the time we are paying attention to the foreground of experience-to our thoughts, feelings and sensations. What we are missing out on is the background of experience, the formless dimension of Being itself. By asking questions like “What is aware right now?” or “What is knowing these sounds?” or “Who am I?” we begin to intuit our own presence or Beingness. The signs of this presence are space, stillness and silence?

...Tara Branch author of Racial Acceptance-Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha.

What's Love Got To Do?

image credit.... dd mag

You're the only one who knows when you're using things to protect yourself and keep your ego together and when you're opening and letting things fall apart, letting the world come as it is - working with it rather than struggling against it. You're the only one who knows.....Pema Chodron

the strangest discontent seems to have settled over me as of late. i find that i am tired more than i remember. i feel helpless with regard to my good friend who is getting sicker. i have sensed some things change around me where i spend most of my day and angst whooshes into the vacant space created by the changes.

i am reminded of buried thoughts and beliefs and they create unease like whisper of rumors by ghosts of those lost. my nature and my shortcomings  circle back into my daily life like jehova's witnesses knocking with inconvenience.

there is no fanfare here. there is no depth of despair. it is merely inconvenience and what i call the mirror of cruelty. sometimes in my living, i will catch glimpses of myself and the image i see in the shop window i am passing or the mirror across the room while in the loo and be gobsmacked. i won't want to see the image in front of me but i do. i recognize the image clearly, but am disconnected from the possiblility that i  resemble that image. these reflections i encounter can only come from a mirror of cruelty. it's hard truth, and it ain't pretty- at all.

the gift in this though is humility. i completely believe there's a gift in this. i still get inspired to a high degree in my life and i think that a sense of entitlement and impenetrability entwine my reality. so maybe the recurrence of  my former self helps to tether me to earth.

matters of the heart

jude law image credit... john stoddart

“People get into a heavy-duty sin and guilt trip, feeling that if things are going wrong, that means that they did something bad and they are being punished. That’s not the idea at all. The idea of karma is that you continually get the teachings that you need to open your heart. To the degree that you didn’t understand in the past how to stop protecting your soft spot, how to stop armoring your heart, you’re given this gift of teachings in the form of your life, to give you everything you need to open further.”

“A psychotic drowns in the very same stuff a mystic swims in.”

pema chodron

i stopped by to see my sponsor today to check in about our meeting. during the conversation, it became clear that i have some  real resistance to looking honestly at myself right now. i am not liking this realization, but i can neither ignore nor deny it. i have some reservations. about what i am not exactly sure. but i do know that i need to lean into the resistance.

i have developed too many ego issues. i have wrestled with emotional safety. i have allowed my drive to succeed to overshadow my sense of inclusion. i have opted to feel numb in lieu of feeling uncomfortable-this is fairly scary. amid all this, i have become slightly isolated. i have set boundaries with family members and this has become a fence to keep them out. in some ways i have become fearful of others and thus prideful because i don't negotiate my fears. i let them control me and keep me like a stone sculpture. this trend has become like dining on a frozen dinner- without flavor, without adventure, and much too easy.

i realized today that i would like to speak publicly. i believe that the experiences i have catalogued might embody some valuable information. i am walking through recovery of a few types, mental health, bi-polar disorder, ptsd, sexaholism, and hiv. perhaps it sounds like a lot, but it is the road i am travelling. i'm not finished, but if i am to retell my insight, i must be more diligent about my own housekeeping. as i look around my house, i realize what a double entendre this is.

i have been listening to bettye lavette, shirley horn, and ernestine anderson lately. the vintage jazz standards create a sense of familiarity and wonder at the same time in me. but today i'll leave you with some etta james. she passed today and i am attempting to underline how blessed i feel she was here.

smattering

image credit... pieter heinket

"The teacher who is indeed wise does not bid you to enter the house of wisdom but rather leads you to the threshold of your mind." -- Kahlil Gibran

i have been working as a counselor for a few years now. it is not the samo samo thing at all, really. i mean, most of the people i encounter are stuck somewhere in their lives. many have been stuck for a very long time. what i am learning about my work is that it continues to be more about helping them see that there may be another way, and not necessarily about helping them find it.

in someways, it seems that if they can actually "see" that there is another way, or a way out, they will muster the where-with-all to journey forward and do things a little differently.

but as humans, we are definitely creatures of habit. this being true, we without fail love our own pain and discomfort. if stuck, we have probably been numb to our own pain for some time and have forgotten that it it even hurts. often, not hurting is more frightening than hurting.

it continues to be fascinating to me- this process of education and counsel. there are definitely successes as well as distinctive misses. there is a mosh pit of unclarity sometimes around boundaries, professionalism, and my own human-ness. this doesn't appear often, but it does appear. people who are in flux or stuck are often rife with drama. and drama is compelling for me. it makes life interesting. it makes the days go by. and i am comfortable with drama, because i grew up with so much near by.

i have let myself forget once or twice that i am on my own journey. those i work with are on a journey, too. part of the work is allowing these two arcs to play themselves out without trying to steer. oh this is without doubt part of the work. 

these days, it is my fashion to discuss the infusion of loving-kindness meditation when working with others. this concept resonates with me because it is frothy with empathy. we breathe in loving kindness for ourselves when we are struggling, and conversely we breathe out loving kindness for the others in the world who are also suffering  as we do. this exercise seems to have the power to remove fear and the "victim" mentality and replace it with inclusion and connected-ness. 

Loving-kindness is a meditation practice, which brings about positive attitudinal changes as it systematically develops the quality of 'loving-acceptance'. It acts, as it were, as a form of self-psychotherapy, a way of healing the troubled mind to free it from its pain and confusion. Of all Buddhist meditations, loving-kindness has the immediate benefit of sweetening and changing old habituated negative patterns of mind.... reprinted from www.buddhanet.net

“The only reason we don't open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don't feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else's eyes. ”
― Pema Chödrön

sunday prayer

image credit... luis pedro de castro

learning to let go of my expectations is an avocation. i struggle with it incessantly. strangely too, because there is definitely a freedom in the releasing of such. no matter though, i still feel most comfortable when i can worry about things and feel twisted because something is gonna fuck up. peace is the journey today. i have had to let go of so many things in order to find where i am.

Refuge Prayer O Amida, I take refuge in you,Ocean of Oneness, Eternal Life and Light;
Entrusting with my whole heart and mindIn your Primal Vow;I am empowered by you to live a full, Compassionate and creative life,I dedicate myself to the service of all beings,Striving to help others realize,Their human potential and Enlightenment;May your Teachings guide meThroughout the day, in my relationships, work and play. Namo Amida Buddha

tonglen

image credit ... lauris naglins

i got calls from two of my dear friends today and both seemed to be swept up in a storm of harsh self-judgement. they did not sound at all happy and they seemed a bit untethered.

 the first was describing his inability to get out of bed some days and has been feeling lost and disconnected for some time. i honestly think i could sense the hidden anger over the phone. i offered the idea of a medication and a provider which he had been considering. i also insisted he try to incorporate some loving-kindness into his day. the idea of loving-kindness can be the most challenging to give to ourselves. this is an awareness i have much personal experience. and it continues to baffle me some days.


so i asked him to breathe in loving-kindness for himself with each in breath. on the out breath he could offer loving kindness to the rest of the world who suffered as he did today. i don't know if he engaged in it, but i felt sure it moved his understanding of his situation a little. or at least i hope so.


then another friend called and began to unravel some thoughts she was having about her life on this holiday. she had gone into the field to visit someone before court tomorrow and was about to write up a report. she was lamenting about her untidy home, her inability to keep track of everything, and her imperfections were laid out like hot coals she was forcing herself to walk across.


i reminded her that she is far from faulted. she is a single mother of 2 boys, works full time, has a house, was a caretaker for her ailing uncle, sponsors newbies, and still makes time to criticize herself. i offered her the idea of loving-kindness as well. it seemed so apropos. maybe she could take a walk and breathe in some loving kindness for herself, and then breathe out loving kindness for the rest of the world that was suffering as she was today.


tonglen- the practice of giving and receiving is a practice of balance that has found its way into my life's toolbelt. somehow it always reminds me that i am not as alone as i think i am. giving is always a gift and receiving becomes more of one each time. today was a shining example of this. it was a good day.

Suggestions for the Practice of Tonglen
reprinted from naljorprisondharmaservice

Use what seems like poison as medicine. Use your
personal suffering as the path to compassion for all beings.

In Tonglen practice, through our compassion, we take on (embrace without resistance) the various sufferings of all beings: their fear, hurt, frustration, pain, anger, guilt, bitterness, loneliness, doubt, rage, and so forth. In return, we give them our loving-kindness, happiness, peace of mind, well-being, healing, and fulfillment.

1) Sit quietly, calm the mind, and center yourself. Reflect on the immense suffering that all beings everywhere experience. Allow their suffering to open your heart and awaken your compassion. You may also choose to invoke the presence of all the Buddhas, Bodhisattvas, and enlightened beings, so that through their inspiration and blessing, compassion may be born in your heart. In this way, you are resting in bodhicitta—the enlightened nature of the mind. Bodhicitta, is an inexhaustible source of purity, generosity, and compassion.

2) Imagine in front of you, as clearly as possible, someone you care for who is suffering. Although this may be more challenging, you may also imagine someone you feel indifferent toward, someone you consider to be an enemy, or those who have hurt you or others. Open yourself to this person's suffering. Allow yourself to feel connected with him or her, aware of their difficulties, pain, and distress. Then, as you feel your heart opening in compassion toward the person, imagine that all of his or her suffering comes out and gathers itself into a mass of hot, black, grimy smoke.

3) Now, visualize breathing in this mass of black smoke, seeing it dissolve into the very core of your self-grasping (ego) at your heart center. There in your heart, it completely destroys all traces of fear and selfishness (self-cherishing) and purifies all of your negative karma.

4) Imagine, now that your fear, self-centeredness and negative karma has been completely destroyed, your enlightened heart (bodhicitta) is fully revealed. As you breathe out, imagine you are sending out the radiance of loving-kindness, compassion, peace, happiness, and well-being to this person. See this brilliant radiance purifying all of their negative karma. Send out any feelings that encourage healing, relaxation, and openness.

5) Continue this "giving and receiving" with each breath for as long as you wish. At the end of your practice, generate a firm inner conviction that this person has been freed of suffering and negative karma and is filled with peace, happiness and well-being. You may also wish to dedicate the merit and virtue of your practice to the benefit of all sentient beings.

a prayer for us all

"People get into a heavy-duty sin and guilt trip, feeling that if things are going wrong, that means that they did something bad and they are being punished. That's not the idea at all. The idea of karma is that you continually get the teachings that you need to open your heart. To the degree that you didn't understand in the past how to stop protecting your soft spot, how to stop armoring your heart, you're given this gift of teachings in the form of your life, to give you everything you need to open further." — Pema Chödrön

my life has been turned upside down in the short span of a few months. my financial security is becoming embers before my eyes. my income shifted through a decrease in both a second and third jobs and i was too obstinate to take some action even though i knew it was happening. it speaks more to my nature than anything else. i certainly saw that my there was a shift, but i really dug my heels in a refused to heed the signs. and now, i am numb from debt and dealing with debt at a double dutch pace.

i keep reminding myself that no matter what happens i will be fine. and actually, i have already taken steps to reel in the wreckage. i must admit that i feel a bit like the manager of the nuclear reactor in japan- dealing with a very volatile situation, yet too proud and too stunned to ask for help. and the disastrous results of the inability to make smart and timely choices leaves a path of desolation in its wake.

and all the while this is being revealed, i find that my security in other arenas of my life is up for discussion. i learn that doing the right thing is not always enough to guarantee me getting what i want. and even though getting what i want, and having things the way i want them is not how i perceive myself to operate, it seems that i still value those attributes very very highly.

believe me, this is not the story i wanted to see the 1st quarter of 2011, but here it is anyway. i don't know it all, i am effected by the world around, and my ego continues to rule my decisions and lead me down dark paths.

what has changed, though, is my willingness to look at how i operate in my own life. and i have let go of being a victim of my own tendencies. i am at the mercy of my nature often- much more often than i'd like. but i am also connected to the undeniable currency of struggle. if i can refocus as i move forward, i can expand my heart. and if anything is true, it is that my heart implicitly needs to expand.

dog days are over

image credit.. hans bellmar via dennis cooper

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father

Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers

leave all your love and your longing behind

You cant carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over

The dog days are done

Can you hear the horses?

Because here they come....

i haven't had much experience in identifying real courage. i certainly don't think i have had the opportunity to display any (at least on purpose). it started out cattywampus and spiraled from there for me. i have always considered myself a misfit and assumed that i would never be the right fit for much of anything.

i have forgotten the zest with which i left home in my teens to live life on purpose and say "yes" to pleasure. to be so sure that anything or any unknown  had to be better than the agony and frustration i was feeling then.  i was convinced that i was being courageous by stepping outside the box. the truth though, in hindsight, was that i was running from myself. i didn't have the courage to stay and work things through right where i was at.

this particular drama has played itself out repeatedly these last few years. i slip into a situation(either literally or in my own mind) where i feel that i can't tolerate the bullshit any longer and i do what i always do. i run. i calculate a new move, sometimes forward, sometimes not, and bolt. like a cat with all those lives, i have managed to land with some balance. and all this time, i have done this ritualistic, history repeating itself, ceremonial dance, without even realizing that i had been like a tiny character in a music box, just replicating the same movements to the same tune by rote.

as this new layer of truth has revealed itself, i become disenchanted about my ability to determine my own motivation. am i in the throes of some old trauma? am i afraid of conflict? do i fear rejection enough to reject myself first? do i feel more comfortable running than i do settled? these are the questions and judgements that run through my mind like a cat in a cage. why am i always sure that i am in the wrong when i first consider an encounter?

i don't have the answers to these persistent queries today. i don't think i am close to knowing all the way around the truth. and i don't think i have to know. what does come increasingly clearer to me is the painstaking forgiveness i need to breathe. breathe in and breathe out. tonglen as the buddhists named it. inhaling in the essence of letting go of judgement of myself and conversely exhaling the wonder and simplicity of acceptance of the world i live in.

this breathing exercise i have adopted is not automatic or second nature at all. it is almost against my nature actually. it requires work. it takes effort. it calls for being awake.