one less

“Things get bad for all of us, almost continually, and what we do under the constant stress reveals who/what we are.”― Charles Bukowski

it's been a sad couple of weeks for me. i somehow got turned around in my life and lost touch with the direction in which i was heading. it was confusing, it was humbling, and it was maddening. i interviewed for new jobs and have considered going rogue and once again living as a bohemian might-pursuing truth and joy with a devil-may-care attitude (emphasis right now on considered). in the midst of my melt-down came the news that sweetness bryan mckay had passed-prolly from an overdose of pain medication.

it seems bryan has been part of my world for many years now. so enmeshed is he that i struggle to remember when our paths first crossed. i am sure it was just after i started the strength in numbers gig. i do remember going on an impromptu hike just outside boulder with a few poz guys of whom bryan was included. 5 minutes into the hike, his seizure disorder kicked in, he collapsed on the trail and was chucking up liquid and trying to catch his breath. it was both frightening and frustrating as we all turned back to head home to make sure that bryan was safe.

this contrast of emotion i describe would become my emotional soundtrack when it came to bryan. he was the sweetest soul and so easy to be around. he volunteered at about 10 different community organizations around town and was always oozing with positivity and good will. he was likeable, thoughtful, and mostly uncomplicated. he watched soaps, award shows, and professional sports on tv. his taste in music was uber-ultra gay with the obligatory colorado country twist thrown in. there was not so much outwardly remarkable about him- other than his good looks- he was very much like a favorite pashmina. 

as i considered my life that was with bryan, i thought of james dean and montgomery clift for some reason.  i see both of those souls in very much the same way. they were extraordinarily charming and talented- completely memorable. they were well-loved, engaged, and all the while very fucked up deep down. this was my sense with bryan. 

i think he may have grown up with an overbearing parent. underneath he was very very anxiety ridden and was taking strong meds to address this. as is the case with so many, he overtook those meds with alarming frequency. i had met with him privately for several mandated sessions to discuss addiction and impulsive behavior and how it affects prescription medication. this was at the beginning of a time when the reins were being pulled in on his use. 

about this same time, his visits to emergency rooms seemed to escalate. he was visiting er's with alarming frequency with vague symptoms and illnesses. it is assumed that there was drug seeking going on. he was appearing very often in clinics with symptoms that could not be verified or documented. and there had been talk of munchhausen syndrome which may have been an offshoot of his upbringing. my impression was that upon the passing of bryan's mother he received a small inheritance. with this came several trips to cities like dallas and las vegas where i would notice posts on facebook which had him checking in from the emergency rooms in those cities as well. frankly, i felt quietly helpless and sad when i would read those.

i assume that friends of ours may read this post and get angry as i might seem to be airing bryan's dirty laundry. i hope this is not my intention. i am saddened by bryan's early passing. i was so very grateful for all the volunteering he did for our hiv organization as well as the lgbt community at large. i wish i could be as philanthropic as he. i genuinely liked bryan. 

at the same time, it was just as authentically heartbreaking to be so very aware of his internal and closted writhing that seemingly could only be quelled with meds (and sometimes not even then)- as often as they were procured by proxy. bryan certainly had physical complications in his life. they were accompanied by emotional pain that rarely saw the light of day. i mourn openly for bryan and all the wonderful attributes he shared with our world. and i mourn silently for the unrequited discomfort that he wore like an invisible undergarment. 

the yin-yang aspect of my feelings for bryan are intoxicating. it is like sitting on the edge of a canyon knowing i have to go in some direction, but too amazed at the view to find the where-with-all to make a move. there is some quality in this uncertainty which compels me to love my life. the not-knowing all of this gives me grist for the mill. 

thank you bryan for breezing through my world and clearing out some cobwebs on your way. i will always be grateful, i will always be smiling, and i will always wonder. 

when doves cry

Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer.

William S. Burroughs

“nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know 

…nothing ever really attacks us except our own confusion. perhaps there is no solid obstacle except our own need to protect ourselves from being touched. maybe the only enemy is that we don’t like the way reality is now and therefore wish it would go away fast. but what we find as practitioners is that nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know. if we run a hundred miles an hour to the other end of the continent in order to get away from the obstacle, we find the very same problem waiting for us when we arrive. it just keeps returning with new names, forms, manifestations until we learn whatever it has to teach us about where we are separating ourselves from reality, how we are pulling back instead of opening up, closing down instead of allowing ourselves to experience fully whatever we encounter, without hesitating or retreating into ourselves.” 

― Pema Chödrön

another week sails by. i am feeling stronger and healthier, although a patient came to an appointment yesterday swirling in a cold virus and i am pretty sure i am at odds with that today. a couple of weeks ago, i had put a message out into the world that i was open to a change. that message brought a response this week and i have acknowledged a doorway to change and started to make room for additional energy to enter my world.

it felt strange to do this. i wrestle with my own nature which creates the most discomfort in situations for me. my friend paul always repeated to me that it is not our reactions to life that get us into trouble, but our over-reactions to life that create problems. more and more i see what he means. i have hosted a plethora of feelings during this tiny process i speak of here. and i find myself encountering remorse and guilt as i consistently swim in after a new experience. that of course is my own brand of ptsd- shame. 

there are two trends in our modern culture that i have always avoided, however have also come to understand more deeply in accordance with understanding myself. tattoos are one exercise in self-expression that have always overwhelmed me. firstly, i remember my grandfathers old green inky and crinkly tattoos from the navy. i thought they were the ugliest and creepiest things i had seen. i absolutely never wanted something old and green on my skin. also i never really have found an image that would be universal or long-lasting enough for me to be able to connect with 20 years later adorning one of my appendages. but as i get older i realize they are badges of courage in a way. they represent a validation of experience and proof of life in a way. i still don't need or want to get a tattoo, but i certainly respect the tradition they have become. i think i may have an emotional tattoo almost branded in my brain. that is enough.

the other trend would be plastic surgery. i am more able to relate to that ritual because there are things i very much do not like about my nature. i almost with that i could have a surgical procedure and the character defects i dislike would vanish into thin air or be tossed away with the other remnants that are gathered in the operating room. i might feel better about my life if i could have my shame removed by a procedure. not likely to happen- but more and more, i can relate to the desire which drives a nose job etc... it's a real inconvenience to not like something about one's self on a consistent basis. 

to see

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"

"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to."

"I don't much care where –"

"Then it doesn't matter which way you go.” 

― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

the more i find out about the mind and talents of nico jaar, the more i find myself mesmerized by his scope. he somehow takes me places with his conjuring which i have not dared go in quite some time. in me, he wakes the soul of wonder and curiosity. 

thank you universe 

for this gift that is nico jaar.

there certainly has been rhythm long before you came along

and melody has soothed my soul almost from the day i was born

your song though 

mr jaar

has allowed me to remember that there is indeed a veil 

that is in front of  life

what an adventure to try and look beyond

at seventeen

"AT SEVENTEEN"

By Janis Ian

I learned the truth at seventeen

That love was meant for beauty queens

And high school girls with clear skinned smiles

Who married young and then retired

The valentines I never knew

The Friday night charades of youth

Were spent on one more beautiful

At seventeen I learned the truth...

And those of us with ravaged faces

Lacking in the social graces

Desperately remained at home

Inventing lovers on the phone

Who called to say "come dance with me"

And murmured vague obscenities

It isn't all it seems at seventeen...

A brown eyed girl in hand me downs

Whose name I never could pronounce

Said: "Pity please the ones who serve

They only get what they deserve"

The rich relationed hometown queen

Marries into what she needs

With a guarantee of company

And haven for the elderly...

So remember those who win the game

Lose the love they sought to gain

In debitures of quality and dubious integrity

Their small-town eyes will gape at you

In dull surprise when payment due

Exceeds accounts received at seventeen...

To those of us who knew the pain

Of valentines that never came

And those whose names were never called

When choosing sides for basketball

It was long ago and far away

the world was younger than today

when dreams were all they gave for free

to ugly duckling girls like me...

We all play the game, and when we dare

We cheat ourselves at solitaire

Inventing lovers on the phone

Repenting other lives unknown

That call and say: "Come on, dance with me"

And murmur vague obscenities

At ugly girls like me, at seventeen...

 

8-9-10
i worked a coupla weekend parties in the foothills and came home pooped. it morphed into a melancholy saturday evening mostly due to time travel. i managed to be in 2 places almost at the same time. i was moving small platters of food through a milieu of gentiles, and all the while i was whisked forward to the past. i have an incidental connection with the family i worked the parties for. a now-deceased member of their tribe had a profound effect on my sanity and my sense of self and style.

her name was cat and she still seems as aloof and elusive as she did when we met. i was almost sixteen and really struggling in my life. i had become caught up in teenage self-loathing, hormones, and my homosexual proclivities like a fox in barbed wire outside the coop. i kept running from home because home was so very unhappy and somehow i landed in the very hot and very humid south with an uncle and his bride of 2 years. they were in their 30's so it wasn't about a honeymoon for them. i now believe it was about the distraction. but then that's another story.

i arrived in the late spring and had the whole summer ahead of me. there was a pool, 2 acres, a room of my own and about 8 chow chows that cat bred within the confines of her kennel. it was, it turns out, my own version of armisted maupin's "tales of the city". it was the 70's (spring boarded by the 60's) and all manner of roles and boundaries were being tested. cat was an extremely exotic person to this 16 year old mid western boy. she smoked pot, drank diet dr. pepper by the case, bred chows, and wore an almost inappropriately revealing 2 piece bikini daily as we sat by the pool and swapped stories about life, beliefs, growing up, and sex.

cat changed my life that summer. she seemed even more odd than i felt and that resonated somehow into my feeling better about myself. i fell in love with the dogs- especially blue and maya- 2 chows- i believe blue was a champion- and then there was sing-sing- an adorable and misfitted pekingese who ended up following me around like a vow had been taken. cat's life, her aura, and her presence fortified my sense of propriety in the world. her words and her attentions steered me towards believing that indeed i wasn't the most outrageous individual or foreign particle in the universe, which i had silently believed up until that point. it certainly didn't rid me of those thoughts internally, but it did provide me with a new direction in which to move my thinking.

i enrolled in the local high school in the fall, but the insular quality of the summer faded like grapes on the vine. within a couple of months cat and my uncle's relationship had become more volatile. they were avoiding and whisper-arguing and i knew that my time there had come to a close. i headed back up north to chicago and tried once more to sow the seeds of a less manic life. lord knows it was quite some time until things settled a little.

i have come to explain to people my belief- that living with bi-polar disorder is what it must be like living on a ship or boat for most of one's life. the motion that emanates from the ocean is normal. the strangeness in life comes when the ship docks and one walks on dry land. the lack of motion seems out of balance-abnormal, trippy. instinct tells us to get back to the sea. even though the ground is quiet and less chaotic, it doesn't feel right. it doesn't feel natural. the constant motion feels like home. mental health treatment- especially therapy provided me with some tools to understand this. but sobriety is the plow that tilled the way.

lean into it

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.

Josh Billings

the continuous flow of changes permeate most of my days. new procedures, new processes,  exiting colleagues, new caseload, new hours, new activities, and altered expectations are just a handful among the growing mind boggling amount of "one more things" that drape my days. it is both exhilarating and perplexing to walk-through.

i don't know if i have what it takes to move through this all with success, but i am committed to seeing the development of a recovery support process in a health care setting as far as i am allowed. i encounter so many individuals who are drifting through their lives because they lack healthy connections and they have lost a sense of real purpose a long while ago. the drifting seems to have created a chasm in so many that almost impossible to traverse.

thus far, the recovery support efforts we have initiated seem to have offered some addressment to this situation. there is a connection that is created with peer support that can act as a triage for some of these drifters. in opposition to the overflow of listlessness that accompanies early recovery, a sense of connectedness and purpose can move in. in other words- people connect to other people living a similar path- it is definitely not pharmaceutical. it is a holistic treatment protocol that has worked for many persons in recovery at least since 1939.

it has begun to rain again which is quite unusual for colorado in august. it is a downpour and not just a drizzle.the light from the sky is gray- almost yellow. there is memory with this rain. it is not clear memory, more of a sensory deja-vu.

much of my usual routine on weekends involves movies. i have seen many many films and continue to do so. this weekend it is "chasing mavericks" and "trance". i am in the middle of the former as i type and i just finished the latter. trance has a lovely soundtrack. it also presents a curious reminder about memory and behavior. what i remember and how i remember it have an immediate and distinct effect on how i live.

memory seems to be nothing more than stored information. repeatedly the knowledge is reinforced in me that this information is not always chronological, convenient, or complete. very often the images and sensory effects of memory are fragmented and pastiched like a burroughs and gyson cut-up. if language is a virus as laurie anderson reflected then perhaps memory is where it incubates.

needless to say this particular revelation has given me a fresh optic with which to replay the tracks of my life. getting sober gave me a very similar gift. when memory moves in like a wave, i have learned to sit with emotion till it rolls back out with the tide. now i am hoping that plucking memory from the depths will be an option and not a mandate. there were so many occurrences in my first 10 years that have shaped my emotional and relationship life.i used to use dopamine to distract the memory channel from broadcasting in my head. since the entrance of recovery,  a good portion of the over traumas have moved into view like an answer on an 8-ball and i have chosen to let the tracks play all the way through. there are samples of memory and experience that have yet to see light again. some odd  bits have surfaced, but i believe they may have been fractured by something. perhaps it is my emotions, my feelings, or my need to bury them.

the 6 rules posted here are ripped from "people like us". it was my favorite film of 2012.

 “The six rules of life.

1. Don't like something just because you think other people will like it, because they won't. 

2. What you think is important isnt. What you think is unimportant is. 

3. Lean into it. 

4. Don't shit where you eat. 

5. Most doors are closed so if you want them to open you need a cool knock. 

6. Don't sleep with people who have more problems than you do.”

― People like us

Man In The Mirror

Each day, we're given many opportunities to open up or shut down. The most precious opportunity presents itself when we come to the place where we think we can't handle whatever is happening. It's too much. It's gone too far. We feel bad about ourselves. There's no way we can manipulate the situation to make ourselves come out looking good. No matter how hard we try, it just won't work. Basically, life has just nailed us.

It's as if you just looked at yourself in the mirror, and you saw a gorilla. The mirror's there; it's showing "you", and what you see looks bad. You try to angle the mirror so you will look a little better, but no matter what you do, you still look like a gorilla. That's being nailed by life, the place where you have no choice except to embrace what's happening or push it away.

Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape — all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can't stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain. In fact, the rampant materialism that we see in the world stems from this moment. There are so many ways that have been dreamt up to entertain us away from the moment, soften its hard edge, deaden it, so we don't have to feel the full impact of the pain that arises when we cannot manipulate the situation to make us come out looking fine.... Pema Chodron

this could be seen as a lazy post. and maybe it is. none-the-less the irony of the lyrics of this song and cory's struggle are hard to let lay. my understanding is that he just got out of rehab in early june. he was working to some degree at taking a look at the man in the mirror. and that is not an easy task. i understand very closely how unaware he probably was of his mortality. no doubt he was too occupied running from his reflection. but i feel very blessed to have encountered some of his strengths. his voice had an effect on my sanity.

thank you.young cory... for living your own life- you made an impact and changed lives. maybe next time the road be more gentle on your soul,

the world goes round

image credit... crriminallyinnocent.tumblr.com

Somebody loses and somebody wins

And one day it's kicks, then it's kicks in the shins

But the planet spins, and the world goes 'round-

But the world goes 'round

But the world goes 'round

Sometimes your dreams get broken in pieces

But that doesn't matter at all

Take it from me, there's still gonna be

A summer, a winter, a spring and a fall

And sometimes a friend starts treating you bad

But the world goes 'round....

And sometimes your heart breaks with a deafening sound...

Barry Manilow

life has been moving quite quickly as of late. i have more free time and i feel as if things are moving faster- no way to explain it and no way to see it without more distance. it's mostly changing the workplace that has me in a tizzy. i have volunteers working 3 hours every morning greeting and giving referrals and resources. it's a fairly easy intervention, but it required extra focus and answering a lot more questions. and then there is minimal push back from the other departments. it's gonna take awhile for these others to realize the value. 

i have been working in building a peer support network at our little clinic. it is kinda magnificent watching it unfold. the enthusiasm, the volunteerism, the waft of hope and optimism that is smudging our corridors. bit by bit idea becomes integrated and hopefully second nature. i have emailed out a 2nd invitation to roughly 15 community organizations to join an advisory council with our peers. i also included a letter of explanation, a rough 3 year plan we drafted for the peer support efforts, some marketing outlines for a "recovery walk" and a toolkit for a "recovery idol" event put together so lovingly by Derrick Ford and the Phildadelphia Recovery Community.

Recovery Idol Toolkit by rebuiltdenver

please understand that this seems a grand sweeping gesture on my part. it is an affirmation in a very big way.  i am completely working with faith to create reality here. i feel the entire scope of hope that all of these  schemes and dreams will make it to this dimension. at the same time, my lifetime's worth of less-than thoughts and not-worthy feelings which have pulled my proverbial wagon the majority of my life are rearing their heads, stomping their hooves, and whinnying and chortling syncopated in revolt to take the lead. 

in my recovery and in working with others, i have realized that my old beliefs and patterns will return. and return. and return again. the trick is to realize when this return happens, that i don't have to continue to think and do the way i did before- that i have new ways to think and do- and then i have to connect to those. and i started this journey doing affirmations and following the lead of grand dame louise hay. either way, i'm affirming, and fighting, and continuing to breathe. and the world goes round.

                                     

better days

image credit......ddmag.tumblr.com

It goes a little something like this

In my shoes my toes are busted,

My kitchen says my bread is molded,

Got a good job at the dollar store,

One foot in the hole, one foot gettin' deeper,

with a broken mirror and a blown out speaker

And I ain't got much else to lose.

I'm faded, flat busted; 

I've been jaded I've been dusted.

I know that I've seen better days.

One foot in the hole, one foot gettin' deeper,

Crank it to eleven, blow another speaker and

I ain't got, I ain't got much to loose 

'Cause

I've seen better days I've been star of many plays

I've seen better days and the bottom drops out.

I've seen better days I've been star of many plays

I've seen better days and the bottom drops out.

life has distinctly taken a turn. april 2013 seems to have raced by as it excruciatingly revealed that i am only a passenger on this ride-not at all the conductor (my illusion). so many changes since the spring equinox, i have new time to spare and have once again made friends with my kitchen.  my heart smiles now and again for no reason. i am content to spend time quietly alone while napping, munching, and futzing around. 

i have learned to let go of some ongoing worry. as is commonly known, worry changes nothing tangible so the letting go is a spiritual exercise in which i am hopeful when engaging. the meditative quality of letting go and returning to center has the value of basket weaving to my manic brain. the result is not a straw vessel for fruit and correspondence, but an invitation to serenity, even in the midst of a sci-fi. 

i sometimes forget that every action there is a inevitably a reaction.  and rarely are the reactions as clock able as a light turning on when a switch is flicked. connecting the reactions to my actions can often seem like a jengo game- especially when meandering in a maze of day mares. 

i sat today and chatted with someone who completely lied to me. it was glaringly evident that the truth hadn't arrived, but the absence of truth seems to have become their prosthetic which supports everyday balance and movement. and as i sat with them today, i realized that this prosthetic was not unlike the emperor's new clothes- completely see through- and i couldn't find a good enough reason to share my epiphany. 

faces and voices of recovery released the results of a survey that they conducted earlier this year. i am going to share the basic results which are not at all surprising, but remarkable none-the-less.

recovery, recovery, recovery

advocate, advocate, advocate

ADDICTION RECOVERY IS ASSOCIATED WITH DRAMATIC IMPROVEMENTS IN ALL AREAS OF LIFE

• Involvement in illegal acts and involvement with the criminal justice system (e.g., arrests, incarceration, DWIs) decreases by about ten-fold
• Steady employment in addiction recovery increases by over 50% greater relative to active addiction
• Frequent use of costly Emergency Room departments decreases ten-fold
• Paying bills on time and paying back personal debt doubles
• Planning for the future (e.g., saving for retirement) increases nearly three-fold
• Involvement in domestic violence (as victim or perpetrator) decreases dramatically
• Participation in family activities increases by 50%
• Volunteering in the community increases nearly three-fold compared to in active addiction
• Voting increases significantly
• Reports of untreated emotional/mental health problems decrease over four-fold
• Twice as many participants further their education or training than in active addiction

THE BENEFITS OF ADDICTION RECOVERY OVER TIME

• The percentage of people owing back taxes decreases as recovery gets longer while a greater number of people in longer recovery report paying taxes, having good credit, making financial plans for the future and paying back debts
• Civic involvement increases dramatically as recovery progresses in such areas as voting and volunteering in the community
• People increasingly engage in healthy behaviors such as taking care of their health, having a healthy diet, getting regular exercise and dental checkups, as recovery progresses
• As recovery duration increases, a greater number of people go back to school or get additional job training
• Rates of steady employment increase gradually as recovery duration increases
• More and more people start their own business as recovery duration increases
• Participation in family activities increases from 68% to 95%

The complete survey results are available in pdf format here.

i am really happy to post this citizen king ditty. it seems so 90's pop classic to me.. makes me smile...

gardening as metaphor

The tree which moves some to tears of joy is in the eyes of others only a green thing that stands in the way. Some see nature all ridicule and deformity... and some scarce see nature at all. But to the eyes of the man of imagination, nature is imagination itself.

there is a young acquaintance who has been recently battling with overwhelming anxiety. i have never had that specific issue, but of course i have had my share of others. she is quite young and i think it is my opportunity here to be of some help.

she has agreed to assist me with a project this saturday at my home. we will pick up a ginko tree from the park people and plant it along the right of way. we planted an english oak in that very spot 2 years ago, however it failed to thrive and needs to be replaced. the park people has a program intended to make the city greener. Our little enclave was xeriscaped years ago and resembled the surface of the moon. slowly and season by season i have been replacing the low evergreen shrubs with flowering plants. we have 5 really lovely korean lilacs, 5 hydrangeas bushes - mostly pink, and 5 white oakleaf hydrangeas. i have added shocking pink spirea to already evenly spaced white spirea, and there are a couple of carol mackie daphnes peppered with some tall grasses that wave in the winds of late summer. this last year, along the right of way, we added russian sage, and some golden colored perennials that resemble alium. i have to admit here, just how very regal the variegated purple and gold blowers look along the sidewalk that frames our property.

back to the ginko- my new acquaintance will participate in this planting and hopefully it will be as a ritual. the intention here is for this process to act as a prayer or affirmation for her and for myself. there can be something very powerful in the act of planting a new intention in this world. she is 17 and has moved here from texas to attend school. she is on the brink of a huge change in her life and might benefit immensely from a deliberate and positively purposeful intention.  and i might do well to include this act "letting more love in my life" as a truth. this idea was born from some spiritually channeled information that came why way.

love is as layered as cloud atlas to me. letting love in seems as tender sandpaper. i certainly love others, but regulate the in and out of it like someone a diet might count calories. for me, love is measured and rationed so that is lasts. this ain't no proud post, but meant to be more of a frank and impartial glimpse inward intended to see just what might be some of my barriers to love. and if i can share this self-assessment process with this young person and help give her a new prism through which to view her life, then i am giving love- much more comfortable with the giving that receiving as giving is so much easier to control.

post script... another acquaintance is now in the hospital and being checked for bone infection where the abscess had eaten into it. he has demonstrated a lack of facility and the inability to care for himself. i am relieved he is in care.

aria ready

maria callas image credit.... ddmag.tumblr.com

"Human life is a most difficult classroom until you learn the simple fact that your truth is your power, your salvation, your fulfillment, your purpose and your way. Once you can truly believe that, life becomes the joyous and abundant garden that it was meant to be.." 

~ from Emmanuel's Book

i probably am jinxing our opportunity tomorrow by writing about it here, but i am excited enough to try to make it more real. as i've mentioned, we are moving forward with implementing a peer-to-peer network at my workplace. a grant has been written and within that process a framework was created for roll out. we are approaching another funding stream tomorrow and i have been asked to go along to discuss the concept, the framework, and the nuts and bolts. 

this represents a step in a direction i have at once coveted and doubted. this could very well mean that the mania-driven dreamstorming i have been doing this last year within the parameters of several organizations might stand a chance to have some life breathed into them. and beyond my own process and aspirations, it means that this idea of "recovery community" might actually become part of the architecture of public health substance treatment in colorado. ergo- our citizens with no resources might have more support when trying to put their lives back together- and that would be supplied very often by people just like them. this is like a multi-layer ganache cake to me.

the photograph of maria callas  is posted today because whenever i think of arias, i first think of her. she just might always represent the premier diva to me. she captivated a planet when she put her mind to it and she literally breathed life into an art form that had nearly become a museum exhibit. she was bright, talented, inspired. she was difficult, provocative, and a classic. she made no apologies. 

i googled aria as audition and came across a site named ariaready.net and found that there were 5 tips offered as follows.

1) Know your voice and your range and stick to them.

2) Select a diverse group of arias within your range.

3) Always start your auditions with the aria that is most solid in your voice and your heart.

4) Knowing the whole role is not necessary for your audition.

5) Always represent and present your personal brand.

so i will head to the meeting tomorrow with these tips in mind and some blueprints i have been working on. i am sharing them here to review the offerings. first there is the submitted grant- 18 pages of an outline. then there are some window dressings- 

1) A plan to implement and develop a coaching academy for our part of the country.

2) A plan to implement a volunteer workforce and addition to our campus.

3) Creating a value system from our peers to infiltrate our processes and help shift from a medical model.

4) Invite and support a multi-cultural peer network with the resilience necessary to speak to our population.

5) Create positive events for our recovering community to participate in with the intention of creating a recovery community.

http://ccar.us/recovery_coach.htm

http://www.facesandvoicesofrecovery.org/publications/recovery_community_organization_toolkit.php

http://www.facesandvoicesofrecovery.org/pdf/rally_2013/recovery_idol_toolkit.pdf

http://kck.st/QuzFa4

no fascist groove thang

History will repeat itself

Crisis point we're near the hour

Counterforce will do no good

Hot you ass I feel your power

Hitler proves that funky stuff

Is not for you and me girl

Europe's an unhappy land

They've had their fascist groove than

Brothers, sisters, we don't need this fascist groove thang.

i have spent the week struggling to keep my eyes open  i have been lethargic and lacking inspiration. i had an encounter last weekend with  a person that acted as an omen in my life. it tasted bitter and sour and i realized that it was time for a new chapter in my life.  i have heard that we live our life in a spiral and with each rotation we have the opportunity to have more truth revealed- if we are paying attention. i somehow  have the feeling that part of my life has just completed a rotation of sorts. 

i have been on this verge before. my emotions are familiar and ancient right now. i know that i have come to a fork and i am choosing a path. i am letting go of an effort i have been making. it has not been unsuccessful, however i don't feel that my efforts have been matched. specifically why that hasn't bothered me until now i am not sure. but that is how the truth seems today. 

i could be tired. i could be emotional. i could be over-reacting, i could be in the wrong. i could be all these things. i can live with being any or all these things.  i have come to understand that i have no obligation to be other than human. 

have my actions been honorable? i think so. have i put in a good effort? time can measure that better than i. have i been honest? in everything but the exit line- completely. am i ready for this? another measure best taken with time. 

underneath it all, a decision has been made- i felt i should wait to decide and so i naturally decided right away. i pressed 10 buttons and unlocked pandora's box.  and i am tired- tired of tap dancing- tired of balancing, tired of waiting for something to happen. and this last bit is directly connected to a spiral in my life. tonight is not the first time i have made a move- a decision- a change- because i am tired of waiting.  

this takes me back to david  richo's "how to be an adult in relationships" -especially the short bit called "what hurts us comforts us". if we grow up around drama- we may create drama in order to recreate that old feeling- even when it doesn't make sense to do so. i can't honestly say whether this  is the right decision. i can say that i am prepared to live with this- so that has become plenty for me.

“Our higher needs include making full use of our gifts, finding and fulfilling our calling, being loved and cherished just for ourselves, and being in relationships that honor all of these. Such needs are fulfilled in an atmosphere of the five A’s by which love is shown: attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection, and allowing.” 

― David Richo

ROSC- Recovery Oriented Systems of Care

c'est moi at African American Health Fair Denver

The following  information was cut and pasted from the SAMHSA website. It is the up-to-date information regarding healthcare reform with regard to substance abuse and mental health treatment. This particular information is of particular interest to me because I work in these fields. And these issues intersect in my life every day in many ways. I believe (through and through) that these issues are worth spending my days around. Some people I know and some people I care about have struggles with these issues that swallow up their lives. So the idea of equal access to treatment is almost worth the national debt. 

But along with parity comes the idea that treatment for both mental health and substance abuse have a mandate to improve their efficacy to coincide with their accessibility. In their current state, these treatment modalities offer stigma, uncertainty, an extremely low percentage of successful outcomes, options that are designed for the providers benefit and not the recipients- i.e. 28 day in-patient- 90 day outpatient- etc,  the focus of substance abuse and mental health will need to expand from treatment to recovery/resilience if it is to be taken seriously. As science moves us forward in understanding, it reveals to us that the brain effects caused by substance and chemical imbalance are lifetime issues for the majority of us and we need to look towards caring for those issues with longterm solutions. Recovery-Oriented Systems of Care are the options that the movers and shakers are looking towards. We might have much better outcomes when we start to treat the whole person for the whole of their lives. ps- if you are inteterested in recovery i recommend you start reading the work of william white at www.williamwhitepapers.com

On October 3rd, 2008, the Paul Wellstone and Pete Domenici Mental Health Parity and Addiction Equity Act of 2008 was signed into law. This new Federal law requires group health insurance plans (those with more than 50 insured employees) that offer coverage for mental illness and substance use disorders to provide those benefits in no more restrictive way than all other medical and surgical procedures covered by the plan. The Mental Health Parity and Addiction Equity Act does not require group health plans to cover mental health (MH) and substance use disorder (SUD) benefits but, when plans do cover these benefits, MH and SUD benefits must be covered at levels that are no lower and with treatment limitations that are no more restrictive than would be the case for the other medical and surgical benefits offered by the plan.

The Mental Health Parity and Addiction Equity Act:
Eliminates the practice of unequal health treatment. This practice has kept individuals with untreated substance use and mental health disorders from receiving critically important treatment services. Providing parity provides insurance coverage for substance use and mental health disorders equally to other chronic health conditions like diabetes, asthma, and hypertension.

Improves access to much needed mental health and substance use disorder treatment services through more equitable coverage. Millions of Americans with mental health (MH) and/or substance use disorders (SUD) fail to receive the treatment they need to get and stay well. The lack of health insurance coverage for MH and SUD treatment has contributed to a large gap in treatment services. Improving coverage of MH and SUD services will help more people get the care they need.

Recovery-Oriented Systems of Care (ROSC) is a coordinated network of community-based services and supports that is person-centered and builds on the strengths and resilience of individuals, families, and communities to achieve abstinence and improved health, wellness, and quality of life for those with or at risk of alcohol and drug problems. SAMHSA/CSAT

Note: Prevention Services also play a major role in developing ROSC.

ROSC will require developing supports and services that provide self-directed approaches which respect the role of personal choice and commitment in pursuit of health and wellness. Developing a ROSC also requires helpinging engage people and families in support networks in their communities, to ease their integration back into the community and get their lives back on track. Linking people to services and supports helps sustain long-term recovery. The services and supports may include resources such as:

• recovery centers in your community;
• recovery activities and websites;
• peer support;
• mutual help groups;
• faith based supports;
• housing;
• transportation;
• education and vocational;
• mental health services;
• medical care, including HIV Services;
• financial and budget counseling;
• legal, and advocacy services;
• alcohol/drug and gambling services;
• prevention for children and adolescents; and

• parenting and family services.

Developing a Recovery Oriented System of Care that is built on the strengths and resilience of individuals, families and communities who are actively taking responsibility for their health and wellness drives the continued efforts to build a foundation for recovery in our future .

attack ships on fire

image credit.... ddmag.tumblr.com

I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.

 Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion.

 I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. 

All those moments will be lost in time like tears in rain. … 

Time to die.....
credited to Rutger Hauer

i have come through the 1st of what is probably going to be a series of very tumultuous weeks and months. although i have had the support of colleagues for the last month, it has really been my experience that support can be very much like applauding a performance. people applaud often because they get caught up in the moment. when the moment ends however, they pull themselves away from adoration and gingerly begin to pick at the particulars of an idea, or song, or play, or idea. 

i want to support an intervention at the workplace. although it has been quite punitive for so long, my intention is to bring choice, personal responsibility, and recovery waft within our walls. 

my career for this century has been woven around change. assisting people in creating change in their lives, in insisting on change in systems as well as creating new services to address unmet needs. i have found myself to be far more  effective and successful than i had ever imagined. this does not surprise me however because i have never really imagined failing. what i had never imagined was confronting the resistance that i have through all of this. not every single change that i have been involved in has brought controversy, however it has been a very sobering (ha!) journey to walk through some of the cheap shots and low blows that have been thrown in my direction. 

Co-Facilitated HIV+ Recovery Support Group as peer volunteer 

in tandem with an LPC at A.R.T.S. 2005-2006
Implemented a peer support group for LGBT seeking recovery from methamphetamine 2006
Co Chair Denver Office of HIV Resources Planning Council 2006-2010.
Strength In Numbers Colorado Moderator 2007-2009
Managed and implemented Cicatelli & Associates training for Peer Mentoring 

and kickstarted HIV One on One Colorado in 2009 
Operations Managing Partner for Travelink Management 1988-1998
Developed peer-to-peer 16 page quarterly newsletter "On The TEN" 

for Colorado HIV Community 2008-present
Helped establish Peer Advocacy 501C3 organization named TEN - Treatment Education Network in 2009
Recognized as Advocate of the Year 2010 by Advocates For Recovery Colorado
Implemented Meth Treatment and Recovery Program for Englewood Agency 2012
Created and maintained recovery oriented blog "The Climb" for AFR Colorado 2011-2012
Served as Recovery Rally Chair for AFR Rally For Recovery 2011 and 2012. 

i have encountered resistance along the way with so many of these endeavors. each individual effort of mine was met with resistance with origin of different sources, different individuals brought each of them forward, different motivations generated each of the attacks, some were subtle, some overt, some were hidden and some were on public display. i have felt battered now and again, however as you may see, the sum of the pieces seems an accomplishment- and i don't think my work is done.

there is a part of me that would like cry "victim" here, but clearly that ain't gonna happen. all of this life that i have  lived since recovery began is truly bonus time. i didn't expect to be here, nor did i really ever do anything to earn extra time on the clock. but i am here and i can't come up with a good enough reason to take it for granted, nor waste it. that being said, it's a priority to make the best of it. so i wanted to write about attack ships for a couple of reasons. i know i am going to feel attacked during this next year (and more) of change. and my sense is that i will be attacked. someone will disagree with me, someone will want to do what i am doing, someone will want to steer us in a different direction. it comes with the territory. and it is incumbent upon me to be realistic about this and find the wisdom to enjoy the dance. speaking of dance, i still love the revolting cocks version of "attack ships on fire" after all these years. it reminds me of bobbing my head, feeling connected to some volatile emotion  and even dancing by myself. and i love the quote from "blade runner" that uses the image of attack ships on fire.

dance, of course, is something i have experience with. maybe not lately, but back in the day i did have a reputation for not just cutting a rug, but also adding poetry to movement.. i loved to dance. i still love music. i assimilate with rhythm and i expand with silence. i have to remember this next year somehow that although i am feeling like a fraidy that i a don't project that- except to a few. isadora duncan dancced her way through her life. she heard a rhythm that others only wished for. and while she lived- she lived. i hope this is one of the lessons left for me to live.

When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. 

It's to enjoy each step along the way.

Wayne Dyer

  

soul mining with an uncertain smile

image credit.... ddmag

Peeling the skin back from my eyes, I felt surprised

that the time on the clock was the time I usually retired

to the place where I cleared my head of you;

but just for today, i think I'll lie here and dream of you.

I've got you under my skin where the rain can't get in,

but if the sweat pours out, just shout I'll try to SWIM AND pull you out.

A howling wind blows the litter as the rain flows,

As street lamps pour orange coloured shapes through your window,

a broken soul stares from a pair of watering eyes,

uncertain emotions force in an uncertain smile...

.. matt johnson(the the)

i find myself entering a familiar yet precarious chapter in my life. my nature is very much geared towards program and process development. in my early 20's, i found passion (and pain) in the collaborative creation and formation of an after-hours club in chicago. i certainly say collaborative here because i fully believe that nothing that is done is done alone and in no way did i participate in any of these things alone. the club became quite popular in chicago and lasted about 10 years, although my life and my nature didn't allow me to be involved that long at all. disease, death (it was the 1980's) and drug addiction kept me tied to a post like a sad and lonely pit bull, barking at almost every one who tried to get near.

i then found myself in colorado without much direction and consuming a lotta liquor. my uncle asked me to help him with a travel agency he started with his college roommate.  i knew absolutely nothing about travel (which was so like my uncle) but i took the gig and helped steer it from a 250,000 a year venue to an enterprise ringing in 17M annually.  my desire to continue and my instability due to alcohol consumption, the trauma and fatigue in 12 years of waiting ot die of aids, i let go of that project with no takeaway

the next offering to my appetite for creativity was a gay men's meth treatment program during my 3rd year in recovery. i researched for a curriculum, advocated in hiv circles for grant approval, networked with recovery communities  to build some capacity and delivered. i realized once the program had launched that the MH needs  of the implementation were above my skill set. after discussing my concerns in-house, found my trust breached and i shut down from the onslaught of shame-based trauma triggers. 

i have embarked on the quiet development of a meth treatment program in a suburb. it is going smoothly, albeit a more quiet kick-off than i am accustomed. but it is having some impact on a few individuals. and it is having some calming effect on my obsession with creating. 

and now i stand before an opportunity that meets all the criteria. and in the back of my mind, i circle around disappointment and loss. let down. betrayal. disposal. failure. and as i write all of this down, it occurs to me that all these years and these events had led me to believe that actions (either mine or that of others') had led me here, but i am now getting the sense that it is my own nature that is at the core of my situations. it is the palpable and ironic reality that what excites me just might hurt me as well. it might be that if i find myself in sweet spots in my life which include engaging in my passion that it might also be concluded that the likelihood of the other side of passion being involved is very high.  hopefully  i have begun to move beyond some intelligence and intuition towards a semblance of wisdom.

Wisdom is the judicious application of knowledge. It is a deep understanding and realization of people, things, events or situations, resulting in the ability to apply perceptions, judgments and actions in keeping with this understanding. It often requires control of one's emotional reactions (the "passions") so that universal principles, reason and knowledge prevail to determine one's actions. Wisdom is also the comprehension of what is true coupled with optimum judgment as to action

i have been swimming in 80's reflection these last months. matt johnson and the the are a shining beacon from those days. their sound was a jazz/rock/electronica crossover to say the least, with  lyrics that  feel like poetry, and i love them sitll. as i write i sit here on this snowy snowy sunday morning doing some soul mining with an uncertain smile- but certainly a smile none-the-less.