memorabilia

I may be soft, I made the top, I like my cabaret non-stop,

It may be erotic, it may be ecstatic

With it down on your floor or in your attic.

You take it low or shut our eyes, and let our love materialise,

And I don't mean love on a chocolate box, I mean the love that really rocks

I say call me the baby, the good time lady,

Just look at me and it's easy to see why they call me Cindy Ecstasy.

Because I've got the eyes, the where's, the why's to make your love thing really

Rise,

You don't need your speed or your pair of wheels.

You've got the prize that will brighten your skies.

So look me up and I'll tell no lies,

Coz I'm the lady with the hot surprise,

If you don't believe me, ask Soft Cell, because I shook them up and I gave

Them hell.

So Call up Cindy Ecstasy if you're looking for a memory

Memorabilia...memorabilia

it's been an interesting week within an interesting month which makes for an interesting beginning to the year. i have passed through an uneasy time at my workplace and let go of a position that no longer felt healthy. i have passed through some financial stressors and can see an end to some challenges in that realm.  i almost rushed into another project, but pulled back at the last minute-deciding i should walk the idea around the block a few more times before i committed to purchasing. 

i must say that this week, this day, this friday evening finds me quite content. as i shred my work clothes just after arriving home, it occurred to me how much in my life has changed. for most of my years, i have never been able to sit home, let alone spend time by myself. yet at this juncture, i find spending time alone at home a very beautiful and happy thing. it speaks volumes to the affects of recovery to my sense of self. and i can clearly declare that i am quite satisfied with this shift.

i was listening to a remix of a sharon redd tune on soundcloud today and it took me back to when i was working at medusa's- sharon redd came to perform- 1984 i think. she had a hit record "can you handle it" at the time. she was an enigma to me. she had come to know success by that time in her life. she had been "discovered" working for bette midler as a harlette and then sang back up for a coupla more front divas before she got her own contract. she had a hit "beat the street" and then put out a few more records. this is about the time she came to medusa's. the big surprise was what we shared in common at that time. she was an uber-coke user. she freebased. i snorted. but we got blasted that whole evening. she had blasted so far outa this atmosphere that she built a structure of lawn chairs on the 3rd floor and hid behind them so she would feel safer. her boyfriend/manager came to collect her at the end of the evening and she hid behind the chairs and didn't want to leave. i can remember the awkward quality of that morning to this day. i never saw her again. we did not become friends. we just got blasted together in a quirk and the drifted. she passed away from aids-related pneumonia in 1992. 

as i wrote that last paragraph, i realize that there are so many facets and flavors in that paragraph that characterize several years of my life. over using, drifting, music, blasted,. enigma, fear- i could go on. of course there were other aspects to my life too, but i really know that part of me was caught up and blinded by a combination of a dance beat, denial, and addiction- all collaborating to change the way i felt. truthfully, in the 80's and 90's i had stumbled into a conveyer belt of some kind leading to today. damn i wanted to figure out a way out.

on monday i had 3 teeth pulled. i could have prolly had 2 crowns put in, but at my age and considering the cost, it seemed more practical to just exorcise them. i feel a bit naked in spots today. i will have a bridge built and slip something where there is now nothing and smile a little easier then. considering the sugar addiction, the 33 years of tobacco, coffee, and teeter-totter of vodka-scotch, it's a wonder i haven't lost more. still as i saw them being hoisted from my mouth, i felt a sense of loss and circumstance. i will not see them or use them ever again.

i had lunch with a friend today at work. she and i reminisced about some time passed and spent more time sharing observations about how things are now. the whole lunch fed my soul. she is emerging from a surgery which kept her at home for about 6 weeks. her recovery is slow, and seems to be keeping her in gratitude amid the fragile qualities that are life. our discussions lent themselves to what seems to be the focus of our days and efforts. and it's nice to have a cheerleader. and i hope i can be one also.

this morning i walked up to work while it was still dark. i got met with a big glass of insanity being splashed in my face likea slushee on glee. then a second splash came my way right after that. and all before i got into the building. sometimes i am not quite ready to help someone self-soothe. sometimes like today. although i work with many folks who have little or no self-soothing skills and have often felt ambushed before i get into the building, have a coffee, or get to set my bag down. it's a strange circular dance i engage in. again and again and again. i try to set boundaries. i try to slip in quietly. i try to ready. still too often i am approached before i feel ready and then try to dry off the slushee feeling for the next hour or so. without question there is a part of me that feels put upon. but the flipside is that i am lucky anybody wants to speak with me at all. there were times, many times, that there wasn't a voice within earshot that was meant for me. no i need to be okay with feeling invaded and then remembering that it's only a feeling. and feelings are not facts.

went to see august:osage county today. wow- was that a challenging experience. hard really. there were snippets of me, certainly snippets of family members, and swatches of addiction reality that cold-cocked me in the throat. it wasn't the gut-punching or kicking as i had found "requiem for a dream". osage county was more like a super 8 home movie that i didn't even know existed before this- and all the scenery is remembered, but i can't believe that's how we actually looked. this film had me peering in through the windows of my memory with a real fear that i would be found out. i tried hard not to make a sound, lest the anger i witnessed would be directed my way. i teared up a few times, mostly when the characters were talking gently about the dead dad.  this film left a strong taste in my mouth. i may have to go back in and get more.

i found this version of soft cell's "memorabilia" on soundcloud. it sparked the title for this post. i remember dancing to this- or body rocking really- at an after hours club in chicago called columns. it was on south michigan avenue. the crew i hung with in those days used to go there after the bars closed. my friend katie and i used to frequent the place. i met my best friend blue at columns. he was an odd duck then- still is actually. he was wearing a scottish purse on his head as a hat the first day we spoke. we walked home from columns north along the lake and forged the framework of a friendship that has lasted over 30 years. after hours clubs were just getting started in our town then.

i collect
 i reject....
 memorabilia....

when doves cry

Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer.

William S. Burroughs

“nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know 

…nothing ever really attacks us except our own confusion. perhaps there is no solid obstacle except our own need to protect ourselves from being touched. maybe the only enemy is that we don’t like the way reality is now and therefore wish it would go away fast. but what we find as practitioners is that nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know. if we run a hundred miles an hour to the other end of the continent in order to get away from the obstacle, we find the very same problem waiting for us when we arrive. it just keeps returning with new names, forms, manifestations until we learn whatever it has to teach us about where we are separating ourselves from reality, how we are pulling back instead of opening up, closing down instead of allowing ourselves to experience fully whatever we encounter, without hesitating or retreating into ourselves.” 

― Pema Chödrön

another week sails by. i am feeling stronger and healthier, although a patient came to an appointment yesterday swirling in a cold virus and i am pretty sure i am at odds with that today. a couple of weeks ago, i had put a message out into the world that i was open to a change. that message brought a response this week and i have acknowledged a doorway to change and started to make room for additional energy to enter my world.

it felt strange to do this. i wrestle with my own nature which creates the most discomfort in situations for me. my friend paul always repeated to me that it is not our reactions to life that get us into trouble, but our over-reactions to life that create problems. more and more i see what he means. i have hosted a plethora of feelings during this tiny process i speak of here. and i find myself encountering remorse and guilt as i consistently swim in after a new experience. that of course is my own brand of ptsd- shame. 

there are two trends in our modern culture that i have always avoided, however have also come to understand more deeply in accordance with understanding myself. tattoos are one exercise in self-expression that have always overwhelmed me. firstly, i remember my grandfathers old green inky and crinkly tattoos from the navy. i thought they were the ugliest and creepiest things i had seen. i absolutely never wanted something old and green on my skin. also i never really have found an image that would be universal or long-lasting enough for me to be able to connect with 20 years later adorning one of my appendages. but as i get older i realize they are badges of courage in a way. they represent a validation of experience and proof of life in a way. i still don't need or want to get a tattoo, but i certainly respect the tradition they have become. i think i may have an emotional tattoo almost branded in my brain. that is enough.

the other trend would be plastic surgery. i am more able to relate to that ritual because there are things i very much do not like about my nature. i almost with that i could have a surgical procedure and the character defects i dislike would vanish into thin air or be tossed away with the other remnants that are gathered in the operating room. i might feel better about my life if i could have my shame removed by a procedure. not likely to happen- but more and more, i can relate to the desire which drives a nose job etc... it's a real inconvenience to not like something about one's self on a consistent basis. 

autumn jewels

The purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls.

Pablo Picasso

The aim of art is to represent not the outward appearance of things, but their inward significance.

Aristotle

We have art in order not to die of the truth.

Friedrich Nietzche

An artist is not paid for his labor but for his vision.

James Whistler

The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows.

I don't believe in dressing up reality. I don't believe in using makeup to make things look smoother.

Lou Reed

I always believed that I have something important to say and I said it.

Lou Reed

“When we get too caught up in the busyness of the world, we lose connection with one another - and ourselves”...

Jack Kornfield.

“We need to make books cool again. If you go home with somebody and they don’t have books, don’t fuck them.”... John Waters

this autumn has been an especially colorful season on a few levels. the late excessive rains in colorado followed by an unseasonably hot indian summer has produced the most glorious red, gold, and orange foliage that i can remember since my arrival in colorado in 1989. each day in october i am still awestruck by the majesty these colors bring. 

along with this is new level of trust and perspective to which i have ascended with my vocation. i have run headlong into my own dissonance between how i want to feel and how i actually feel. i am still working on resurrecting some sense of balance around all this. 

today of fb, i received a note from a former neuro psychiatric resident that i have spent time with at the clinic. although he was working in a different department, we shared office space and many lunches and coffees. i must say i was gobsmacked by the tone and the purpose of his words.

Rod, I'm not exactly sure how to go about this, but I wanted to apologize for not informing you I wasn't going to be able to make the Rally. I'm not going to bother with the excuse for my absence, because it doesn't matter---I promised I'd be there and I didn't show. I also didn't bother to let you know either before or after the fact, and for that, I'm sorry. I thought about reaching out over the past year and came close a couple of times, but I was never quite able to muster the courage to do so. Even though I'm glad you reach out, I wish I had been the one. 

I've since left Chicago and moved on to my official internship at a psychiatric hospital in New Jersey. It's a different world out here on the east coast, that's for sure. My experience working at a psychiatric facility brings along with it many pros and cons. Regarding the latter, I find myself oftentimes discouraged with the complacency I see in the staff. The treatment of patients, at times, lacks the compassion and sense of humanity one needs in order to foster growth and help develop a sense of self-worth and agency in others. Anyway, I bring this up because I realized a huge part of the reason I even understand what it takes to connect with someone in the first place is from quietly observing you in my corner cubicle for 10 months. I've worked with several psychiatrists, psychologists and neuro psychologists who did not teach me as much as you did about how to treat patients. You do great work, and I never took the opportunity to tell you that before I left. I'm sorry for that, too.

 I'm assuming you read that last piece and started feeling a little uneasy. My guess is that you started to immediately minimize the hard work and long hours you put into giving your patients the best care possible, or perhaps you deflected it by attributing it to someone else. Don't. It bothered me you couldn't take a compliment--it always felt like you were depriving yourself of feeling good because you thought you didn't deserve it. Thanks for setting the bar so high, Rod. And thanks for the beats..... (click on beats to hear some sounds from my 80's alma mater laid down in 1988 by jonathan scrappy gilbert.

but more in keeping with my emotional state... here is a selection of arias by one of the best our world has ever known.    

graying

“It is not true that people stop pursuing dreams because they grow old, they grow old because they stop pursuing dreams.” ― Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez

i was born in 1958. the world was quite different then. my world was different and the larger world i traveled in as well. and yet so many things seem quite similar. as i approach the middle point of my 5 decade walking through this life, i am swirling in an understanding that i enjoy my life on a completely different plateau than i did in the prior decades.

my 50's have afforded me an ease and a laissez-faire which i had not touched prior. i would imagine that without this shift of perspective i would still be lost in the land of high. but my years caused me to become weary, weary of judgement, weary of worry, weary of pretending. of course i still engage with all these things, but maturity has allowed me an exit strategy from caring about the unimportant. in other words- priorities in life have changed drastically.

i tip my hat to the relief i feel because of age. all the while i cringe just a little when i see the extra jowls, the enlarged pores, or the gray hairs. or when i am pushing twice as hard to drop an extra 20 lbs i have managed to acquire during a 9 month dark period from which i am gratefully emerging, there is a tranquility that replaces the panic and fear that used to pervade the background of my mind. instead, i drift towards letting go of worry about the inane and move in the direction of "i'll do what suits me" in direct opposition to the prior decades motto of "do i look good doing this?"

no doubt the crossing of the 55 line will be without pomp and circumstance. my celebrations have become quieter and rather introspective. the journey has at once slowed and sped up. the years go by more rapidly as i experience the nuances in life's revolving chapters-not merely the basics. the older i become, the more i understand how limited my knowledge really is. all this is quite fine as the real gift and the bonus for me is the peace of mind and the ability to rest that has appeared with ripening.

the workplace continues to undergo metamorphosis. my previous supervisor was laid off- i believe his team lead position has been dissolved and there will simply be one team. he hadn't seemed happy since new management moved in at the beginning of this year. i spoke with him briefly after he learned of this decision and tried to assure him that better days would be coming for him. sometimes my life has moved ahead of me and removed me from situations to make room for learning, growth, and fulfillment. i venture to guess that my entire workplace is in one of those patterns now.

i worked 2-16 hour days thursday and friday (between full-time and part time gigs) and have been pooped this weekend, really pooped. but i have caught up on sleep, had my house cleaned, finished laundry, shopped at sprouts, finished the criminal minds marathon, taken naps, and feel rested. it rained most of last night and there is a soft grey blanket of quiet tossed on top of our town. i love days like this- it reminds me of chicago.

also reminding me of chicago is a band of musicians known as durutti column- they weren't from chicago, but i loved them when i lived there. here's a brief paragraph or two from wikipedia..

The Durutti Column are an English post-punk band formed in 1978 in Manchester, England. The band is an ongoing project of guitarist (and occasional pianist) Vini Reilly who is often accompanied by drummer Bruce Mitchell and Keir Stewart (on bass, keyboards and harmonica).

Chris Ott summed up Vini Reilly in 2003: "Friend to Ian Curtis and New Order, a borderline New Age celebrity within European muso circles and the creative force behind much of Morrissey's Viva Hate, Vini Reilly has unleashed untold volumes of music over the last twenty-five years. Delving into modern classical composition with 1984's Without Mercy, his low-key reputation as an independent auteur was cemented with 1989's Vini Reilly, a masterpiece recorded in just twenty days' time after finishing Viva Hate with Morrissey and Stephen Street.

deep breaths

image credit.. ddmag.tumblr

Deep breaths are very helpful at shallow parties.

Barbara Walters

as i consider the events of 2012, i find that my reactions to my life had more impact than the events themselves. this is not surprising- but does continue to humble me.

i wrote a poem when i was 16 years old titled "i am an ocean".. it's basic (truly) premise was that we are infinite- and mostly about ebb and flow. i am not sure i can find a copy of that poem anywhere now- i lost track of most of my life and belongings during my meth daze.

but this small poem set the stage for my identity in a couple of ways. i understood on some level the power and the metaphor of the tide- and for someone with a bi-polar tendency this hints of some insight. it also proved to lead to denial. but that's a story mostly told. writing that poem also revealed to me that i had something to say about life that was beneath the surface. the act of blogging these last few years has allowed me to acknowledge that part of self and to nurture it a bit.

as i look back on this year, i remember my best friends' mother's funeral in chicago- so bittersweet. i connected with so many old friends i hadn't seen in decades, but also had to witness as my bestie flopped like a trapped kite in a tree on a windy day. i couldn't even hold him and make the hurt go away.

i remember taking a board  position for a local recovery organization and spending most of my free time in the spring and summer planning a rally for september. i slowly came to realize that my hopes for the not-for-profit did not match the other board members' vision. once my commitment for the september event was over, i pulled away from any connection to it. the response to my letter of resignation seemed so canned and unauthentic that i felt vindicated for my decision. but i realize that i have so much work to do around boundaries for myself.

at the very same time, i asked to transfer positions at my workplace. it was rash and it was swift. the change took place in november and my heart has become engaged like i never would have imagined. on a daily basis  now i encounter people in varied stages of change and am in the process of developing a relationship with 50 or so new people searching for recovery of some sort.

in july, i met with a local probation district in a suburb and talked to them about a meth recovery program that was to start in their town. this was in response to assisting some friends who own an agency and have been struggling with their dui program as their only revenue stream. we have had 6 clients in the meth program thus far. i have felt good about it.

my sponsor of 7 years passed in september which most likely influenced my major decisions about making change. i am pretty sure that walking through conflict, sadness, differences of opinion, even discomfort are not my strong suit. i miss him and i miss his friendship.

my december was the busiest i have had for catering parties and i am pretty pooped as i post this. i realize that there is work to be done. that i have more to do, more inventory to take, more fun to find, and more relaxation to make happen.

i am still aware that i am living on bonus time. that gives me an edge i think. i don't mess too much with disappointment and regret, because expectation is not really an option.

of all the things i can think of that brought a real and true smile to my face, it is the genius of nicolas jaar. i have listened to so many of his musical cut-ups and found delight, release, and inspiration. and i continue to do just that. maybe you can play this in the background and see if you can find my meaning here. happy new year. all the best. to everyone.

songs by the tumbled sea

image credit... michael probst

“Sea horses have complicated routines for courtship, and tend to mate under full moons, making musical sounds while doing so. They live in long-term monogamous partnerships. What is perhaps most unusual, though, is that it is the male sea horse that carries the young for up to six weeks. Males become properly "pregnant," not only carrying, but fertilizing and nourishing the developing eggs with fluid secretions. The image of males giving birth is perpetually mind-blowing: a turbid liquid bursts forth from the brood pouch, and like magic, minuscule but fully formed sea horses appear out of the cloud.”― Jonathan Safran Foer, Eating Animals

another thanksgiving rolls by. honestly, i think i am still in the process of redefining this holiday for myself. that actually seems a strange sentence because when i am alone i don't have any issues with thanksgiving. but when i am with other people, including my close friends and family, i find that thanksgiving hurts. it hurts to be around then, kinda like walking on broken glass. 

not sure quite how it happens, since all my intentions are well-meaning, but just when the turkey is laid out on the table is just when my veneer starts to crack and i begin to crumble. luckily, this is only one day out of the year. my habit with this blog has become to dissect my feelings, hold bits and pieces up to the light, and try to examine them. perhaps i have felt some primal need to protect my feelings. however, in that process, i think that the fun and the happenstance of this activity has vanished. 

as i sit here at my laptop on the saturday after thanksgiving 2012, i realize that i want to change some things even more. i slept for about 18 hours on friday, backed out of getting together with good friends, and tended to those ancient wounded feelings in the same way i have done since i can remember-(without getting high, of course).... isolation.

for me, being alone has layers. it feels safe, it feels protected at first, but as it settles is causes inertia, it seems stifling, it feels toxic. and the end of the run of isolation- very much like the end of a binge in my memory- is much like hell. and why i forget how these bits end like this is beyond me. i'm sure it's fear. on thursday, i had planned on going to an lgbt sober potluck, but as the time neared and i thought about who might be there, i was infiltrated with feelings i would have if i ran into so and so. god- this seems so much like my elementary and high school days it is sad. yet i cower at having to open that can of worms. later that day, my cousin and her 2 kids had planned on coming to my house, but she texted an hour prior to arrival, cancelling. maybe i am not alone in this- maybe it has something to do with genetics and not simply my state of grounded-ness. 

yuk. eehgaaahd. its all so very tiresome. so my intention is to STOP THE MADNESS!!!. i do however not have any false hopes that one decision will change the course of 8 years sober. matter-of-factly it's taken 8 years to get a clear snapshot of what's really happening. and i am not convinced the image is really that clear yet. 

kitchen cooked potato chips farmington il

thanksgiving is mostly about ritual, family, getting centered. or at least that's what i have heard it's about. it definitely has those elements for me, but it encompasses some other things as well- among them reflection, and of course, shame and trauma. outside of those rather large items though, is the family part. and in keeping with the family thing- i have posted a pic of some tongue wrenching- lard-tasting potato chips that have been made in farmington illinois since i was a young boy. they were the potato chips of my youth, and still represent home to me. i just ordered a case to send to my aunts and uncles at their holiday get-together in arizona. they share the same memories of these chips as well as sharing so many memories and histories of  many other aspects of our lives as well. 

how i feel about myself started developing while i was still young during my years with my family. as i listened in the kitchen of my youth to the stories being told about dreams, life, work, love- i came to an understanding that how i felt about those things was somewhat different. it was different enough for me to know instinctively that i should not discuss how i really felt. i was sure i was a freak and i was afraid at what everyone would think or say if they knew who i really was and how i really felt. of course- that's all behind me now, but i do find that around this holiday that centers on food and cooking, i revert to those skills that were formed so early in my life. 

luckily, i get to remember i am not that boy in the kitchen any longer. i started there, but i have moved on- not as quickly as everyone else, but at the pace i can hold. this thanksgiving i got to have those feelings again, have those memories of harder times, and have some of those kitchen cooked potato chips. and they made my life feel hella bigger and richer. i am really learning to appreciate all the nuances and flavors in this feast we call living. it is bitter sometimes. it can be abrupt. it can be mellow and yellow and smooth. it's cold and it's not. it warm  and it's hot. it's green and fresh and it's browned and fried. the experience doesn't have to be the  "best" ever to be worthwhile. 

consideration

lincoln- image credit-vanity fair

in my activity filled weekend, i made plans to go with my mother to see "lincoln" at the theater we both like. it's suburban with large seating, ample parking, and located just off the freeway so we can meet in the middle with ease. the film is big, full of wonder, and made me really think much more deeply about that specific time frame and the sheer mass and volume involved in passing both the emancipation proclamation and the 13th amendment. i am well aware of the vitriolic nature of our last election in this country. it has become almost accepted that each side of our current issues attack the other in a personal way- as if we don't have the right to disagree on points. 

having not really ever been a historian, i guess i never contemplated what a massive undertaking and construction the war between the states was, nor did i ever once consider how it must have been to try to address and mend what was broken at that time. i will let this film simmer for awhile and may even see it again to review what i have taken in. it overwhelmed me!

mom on left- image credit linda carpenter

sadly for my mom though, i was pooped. i had worked a party the evening before and really hadn't eaten, so the only thing i wanted to do was sleep when i got out of the theater. i barely had the where-with-all to say goodbye. i wanted to head home and shut my head down for a bit. i am afraid i hurt her feelings in all this. she is headed to arizona for thanksgiving to be with her siblings and i won't see her. i regret this possibility. i guess the reason i write this is to purge a bit as her phone is turned off and i may not get the opportunity to do this.

it is a requirement that i look at how i behave. this would certainly fall into the category of character defects. i  cram too much into my calendar and then i am not available to those who need my attention because i am managing my time. when i think about a solution for this, i understand well it is about slowing down. my own nature creates this need to work 3 jobs. i like to spend money and i like to have money in order to do this. in each of these jobs, i find satisfaction. however as i "zoom out" a little, i see that the sum of them might create a shadow that actual light has difficulties getting in and around. 

i have some things to consider here. i hope i will. i also have the busiest month of the year for catering coinciding with all this. maybe things will change. maybe i'll find a softer way to live my life. maybe i will assess my priorities and do some re-arranging. maybe. it's definitely worth considering.

ingenues..........

i have been watching xfactor uk this year and have become smitten with these contestants. in week 6 during the live shows they continue to impress me with their spirit, their song choices, and their delivery. i repeat that reality tv such as this actually engages me as i am privvy to watch young people reach for their dreams. i am not sure if it gets better than that.. happy weekend.

tiny wisdom... moving forward

“A man’s errors are his portals of discovery.” -James Joyce

it has been another weekend of newness. i did not have any parties to work. i went to a 12 step conference/speaker meeting on friday evening. i injured my knee during cardio class about 4 weeks ago and let it continue to heal in lieu of heading to work on on saturday am. i bought some snacks and took them to the hospitality suite at the conference on saturday afternoon with every intention of staying for the dinner. 

however, there were was a sense of unease with me and i gave a friend a ride to a meeting she was speaking at that evening and opted to simply go home and chill. i had really been feeling exhausted all week long. 

sunday morning, a friend and i went to hear another friend sing with the choir at a local church. there was a baptism of a 12 year old boy which accented the experience. the church is 6 blocks away, quite small and quaint, and left a smile on my heart. i dropped my friend at her home with a plan of going to the closing speaker meeting of the conference. i got a call from my friend alex saying that he and his partner were in town from philadelphia. he was calling to ask if i could meet in 15 minutes for brunch. 

we were to meet at olivea  where they had a reservation. upon arrival it seemed we would have to wait at least 20 minutes, so we skated across the street to the avenue grill. we had eggs benedict, huevos rancheros, and a red and white burrito. a distinct and seductive waft of cumin repeatedly danced its way to my senses and left a smile in my mind. this brunch and get-together was a remarkable intervention with my standard weekend. 

as i consider the shift that is taking place in my life now, i seem to have shaken loose some very familiar unease. the availability and synchronicity of social activity is consistent and solid. i find myself in a rather new environment of enjoyment. it is certainly not familiar yet at the same time, i am loving it. whether it is anything more than just another stretch of life's highway remains to be revealed. i will, however relish the pleasantness and be grateful. 

i write more about the present, as i have spent the last few posts surveying the errors. i continue to struggle with conflict and it continues to trouble my landscape. i excessively filled my time when an emotional challenge reared its head, and i made agreements i was not able to fulfill.  my intention is to leave room for these lessons and other troubles to materialize. it would be a preference to let go of my fear of others so that it can travel on to the next soul that needs its wisdom.

i want to give a nod to tiny buddha blog for the inspiration for today's post. i am finding that moving forward brings with it a myriad of thoughts, feelings, and emotions. as much as i want to balk, i secretly long for new adventure. 

in keeping with the moving forward theme, i am continuing to explore my new romance with the new breed of electronica. these sounds and beats are magic provided by michael mayer of kompakt records at the boiler room berlin. 

01. Andrea Esu - E.S.U. Track

02. Kenny "Jammin" Jason with "Fast" Eddie Smith - Can U Dance

03. Ron Trent - Kids At Play

04. Barnt - Hark

05. Paris - A Shifting Drifting World (It's A Fine Line Remix)

06. Coma - Gravity

07. Terranova feat. Tomas Høffding - Question Mark (KiNK Mix feat. Rachel Row)

08. Laurent Garnier - Communication From The Lab (Germ Mix)

09. Hot Chip - Boy From School (Erol Alkan’s Extended Re-Work)

10. Kölsch - Der Alte

fountain of youth

There is a fountain of youth: it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age. 

Sophia Loren

it would seem that i have stumbled upon a new phase in my life. the online distractions have taken a new turn and i have posted some new dj's, some new blogs, and it seems a shifted perspective on life. i have developed  (or am developing) a new appreciation for the younger generations. i have incorporated techniques which both deepen my spiritual life and allow me to be less affected by my past and more "here" in my todays.

i have recently lost a very beautiful friend and i am working to remain thawed by the chill that was caused. the changes that followed paul's departure have been swift and succinct. i trust i will find myself poised to remain open emotionally to life in the coming year.

another dear friend married on thursday and i understand there is unknown change involved around this for me. she looked radiant at the ceremony and the evening reminded me that happiness is real. it's a little queer(pun intended) to harbor such a thought.

the blogs i speak of are not telegraphing words. they are images that create thoughts, questions, and ideas in my mind. perhaps it's my adhd, but these images i have waded into may have created a fountain of youth effect. it is welcome in my life right now. i invite renewed naivete and i am warmed by the possibility of new experiences.

here are those blogs-
 http://ddmag.tumblr.com/

http://criminallyinnocent.tumblr.com/

then there is the wave of music that has dusted the corners of my brain. mostly dj's who are delivering a new sensibility- avant house-y if i may- to electronic music. the tempo is not the pace i am used to, it is more relaxed and set on "coast" like my auto.  i plan to continue to explore this realm, and the others i have recently encountered.  i hope to keep sharing. my relationship with blogging, with working with others, with recovery, and with living my life have altered.

space is only noise

Be a lamp unto yourself. Work out your liberation with diligence.

...from Daily Buddha Wisdom

inspiration comes from many places, often times very unexpectedly. i came across a dj from chile called nico and found his brand of beats almost invitational. just what the invitation is for, i have not quite determined. but that is some of the work in life- moving forward without knowing.

i am in the midst of transitions in so many parts of my life. i am shifting to a new team at my workplace which will certainly herald some evident change. i have helped  friends implement a new meth treatment program at their small agency in englewood (denver suburb well known for aod problems). it is an eop (extended outpatient program) which is 3 days/ 8 hours of contact per week. we also helped start a 12 step program at that location on the 3rd night of the itinerary. i have started back at my favorite gym, although i have injured my knee during cardio and am taking a break right now. and i have let go of a volunteer position which i had been initially very enthused about. this took a lot more time and energy than first anticipated and i walked away feeling frustrated, wrung out, and sadly with tethered relationships. finally, i have lost my sponsor and i have been remiss (avoiding) moving forward quickly on this- just not my way.

what i have noticed taking place along with these shifts is an interesting and almost foreign development. i have felt a sense of calm and peace gently waft around me.  i have wanted to take part in  social activity, have dinner with friends, be close to others, mellow out at home listening to tunes. these are not my habits for the last several year. i have been on the go and driven to stay focused and inspired. it could be compared to changing gears on a manual transmission, i have changed gears.

i have re-engaged a relationship with my cousin recently as well. over the last 3 years we have spoken maybe once or twice a year. there was a drift and i had felt betrayal. i am sure that some of the effect was prior emotional baggage as has been a common experience for me in recovery. it feels good to reconnect.

i am working at the local professional gay men's professional organization halloween party tonight. i
am looking forward to a few laughs. i have done this a couple of times over the years. laughter and tears are both good lubrication for transitions.

Space is only noise if you can see

See I want to write a story about two long lines

Two pretty lines that fall in love

Two little spaces they're filled with echoes

Did the lines ever intersect one another, at a moment in time?

moment time"..

have you always cross like this

have you always cross like this

have you been this way all the time

have you been this way all the time or were you always trying to get you with me?

with me? with me? with me?

you used to check the weather

now you stopped that

you used to look at time

now you stopped that

you used to wear red

now you wear white

what happens all the time it happens all the time

replace the word space with a drink and forget it

space is only noise if you can see.

grab a calculator and fix yourself

grab a calculator and fix yourself

read the news baby read the news

watch your clock baby watch your clock

watch the weather baby on tv

its all to get if you can see

grab a calculator and fix yourself

space is only noise if you can see

See I want to write a story about two long lines

Two pretty lines that fall in love

Two little spaces they're filled with echoes

Did the lines ever intersect one another, at a moment in time?

moment time"...nicolas jaar

mirage

superior mirage of the boats painting

mi·rage

noun

1.

an optical phenomenon, especially in the desert or at sea, bywhich the image of some object appears displaced above,below, or to one side of its true position as a result of spatialvariations of the index of refraction of air.

2.

something illusory, without substance or reality.

i can't remember being filled with as much anger and disappointment as i \have now coursing through my veins. well- that's not true- the last time was in 2008. connectedly, there are lessons here for me- i just need to get some distance before i can let all those in. and that anger just may be the same ancient anger- a little like the kraken unleashed.

i have a tendency to say "yes" to things when i might want to honestly take a closer look. but even then- as in this case, i may only see what i want to see. i push past the red flags and keep my eye on my prize.  one of the biggest part of this is the inability for me to comprehend that i might not have been up to the task. how do i hear what is going on that isn't being said? how do i see beyond what i want to see? a really frustrating aspect to my current predicament is that i did say "no" once. i just didn't stick with that answer.

as i was reading about mirages, i came to understand that mirages are caused by refractions of light with the influence of heat. images appear to be different than they are- whether they bend in an inverted direction or not depends upon the circumstances. in my current situation, it remains to be determined which this is. but no doubt it has been a mirage. or maybe more pointedly, i saw something i wanted to see that just wasn't there.

so for fun- i thought i would google how to wake from a bad dream. here is something i found. i doubt i will follow all these steps, but it certainly offers some perspective. and i need to smile these days. otherwise i am cavorting with the kraken.

Steps

1. 1
   Realize that this is a dream, and nothing can harm you. To do this, it may help to try attempting something you could never do in real life.
   
   
2. 2
   Look around and see anything out of the ordinary. If you find something, say a flying pig, think about it and realize this would never happen in real life. This may help you wake up if you realize that you are dreaming.
3. 3
   Decide if you wish to avoid or face the object of your fear.
4. 4
   To escape the dream into a different dream, try to look down and begin spinning in place. A series of images should flash by, and this will usually change the dream scene without waking you.
5. 5
   First of all, try the standard wake up procedure. Throw your head back, and try to open your eyes. Concentrate on waking up, and use as much willpower as you can muster. Don't worry if this fails - some people just can't do it quite so quickly.
6. 6
   If the previous step didn't work, try controlling your dreams. If you are not totally and utterly lucid, this probably won't work. Just try to teleport (again, extreme mental willpower) to a place with a giant alarm clock or wake-up machine, and do whatever you need.
7. 7
   If you just want to wake up, try reading something like a book or a sign. Do not "just know" what it says, concentrate on the words and the letters. This usually activates a portion of your brain that is disabled in REM sleep. This is the same reason why you musn't panic if you aren't as smart in dreams as you are in real life.
8. 8
   Blink! Close your eyes and wait a few seconds before re-opening them. Since your eyes are already closed in real life, sometimes when you open your eyes in a dream you open them in real life, waking you up. You may have to do this several times before it works.
9. 9
   A classic: Pinching yourself. It works for some people.
10. 10
    Failing all of the above, you can attempt to fly away. This will signal you are in a dream to your brain. To do it, simply jump and try to, well, fly!
11. 11
    Stop thinking about the nightmare. Close your eyes, tightly and try to think about the real world. Think about your bed room scene, like what is it like when you wake up. Talk to yourself, and now try to open your eyes. You will feel that your eyes are actually glued together. Just concentrate on the real world.
12. 12
    Another way of escape is to climb up onto an escalated ground (ex: the top of a staircase, a cliff) and just jump off.
13. 13
    Run straight into a wall. You won't be hurt, but you will wake up. Or run into the enemy and let him/her eat or harm you. You won't die or hurt as well but you'll wake up.
14. 14
    If you are able to talk in your dream (sometimes you can't): Keep saying "Wake Up!" over and over.
15. 15
    If all else fails, attempt to kill yourself in the dream. Contrary to all the myths, this will not kill you in real life. Try anything. Whether its flinging yourself from a roller coaster or cutting off your own head, figure out a way.

lost

lost at sea by cory g via deviant art

“A further sign of health is that we don't become undone by fear and trembling, but we take it as a message that it's time to stop struggling and look directly at what's threatening us. ” 

― Pema Chödrön, The Places that Scare You

"Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (Corinthians 13:4-7)

my friend's ashes were blessed, reminisces shared, tears shed today at the small catholic church in englewood. i comforted friends from my past and was comforted by my friends of today. i sat quietly while others shared their history and insight. his longtime friend read the famous passage on love and i understood it more intimately than i could ever imagine. i ceremoniously put to rest any idea that i could head backwards.

i need to set a new course. i am unsure. it is not frightening, but i am reticent. i can't intuit how to move forward. i can't feel my feet. i can feel the wind and hear the pounding surf. i feel cold. i am waiting and trying my damnedest to lean into the unknowing.

there are (as always) many opinions for me to choose from. not my usual style though. internal wisdom tells me if i don't know what to do, then do nothing. life is just like playing poker sometimes. good bye my dear friend. safe journey. you will be missed.

and as for me, i am still. i am not a body. i am free. for i am still...... as god created me.

The wilderness is not just a desert through which we wandered for forty years. It is a way of being. A place that demands being open to the flow of life around you. A place that demands being honest with yourself without regard to the cost in personal anxiety. A place that demands being present with all of yourself.

In the wilderness your possessions cannot surround you. Your preconceptions cannot protect you. Your logic cannot promise you the future. Your guilt can no longer place you safely in the past. You are left alone each day with an immediacy that astonishes, chastens and exults. You see the world as if for the first time.

-Lawrence Kushner

celebrating 8 years

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.”

september 28 2004 was the day my heart gave out. i found myself in a position in my life in which i no longer recognized myself and i felt trapped by my behaviors. 

opportunity seemed to have vanished, and i was living in a life that i felt no love or compassion for. i had blasted all the meaning and intention from life with disregard and irreverence, and had been running for so many years i no longer was clear on what i was running from nor what i might be running to. i guess it had been endless running.

september 28 2004 was the day i surrendered. that was 8 years ago today. i went back to the treatment program and started participating in 12 step meetings. of course, those meetings were the last place i wanted to be. they seemed so lame. people i never would have partied with were talking about issues in their lives i had no concern nor care for. it came to unnerve me often, but i continued because i had no where else to really go and because here were the only sober people i could find. 

i really have to say here that i do feel honestly blessed. in that 1st year, there is no way i could have comprehended the path i now follow. i probably would not have been interested in it to be truthful. but this is the biggest blessing in surrender for me- the promises as laid out in that famous book "the big book"

“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”

i never knew until this recovery journey began, that my compassionate side had a birthplace and a reason. i didn't believe that the agonizing experiences i had growing up gay in small town middle america would be transformed into stockpiles of strength and understanding that i could offer to others in similar predicaments in their lives. and more importantly, i had no clue that i didn't have to run away whenever situations became so difficult-which they occasionally still do. but these are just a few insights i have gained over the last 8 years.

although today is a milestone, it is thoroughly bittersweet. my mentor of 7 years passed away 7 days ago and this would have been my 7th celebration with him by my side. certainly he resides in my heart and my mind. i have merely lost the luxury of hearing the words-"happy birthday cosmo" in the reassuring voice that has helped tame my heart and mold my intention. i really want to resent (but can't) the words i share often about the work in this life being really about "letting go". i have had so many wonderful things in my life, but i haven't been able to keep any of them. i have always had to let go. and it's the acceptance of that which causes me the most pain. letting go of my friend paul 27 years ago and letting go of my sponsor paul now are some of the most heart wrenching treks i have endured. 

i have made  great friends and reconnected with family, but these relationships have a very different rhythm without the partying. they seem quieter and they seem to run deeper. i have to say "thank you" to all my friends including my online life- without you and your support, my life would be so much smaller.   however, the most changed relationship is the one i have developed with the world in which i live. i used to take for granted the people, places, and things. i was always taking what i wanted or snatching what i needed, almost feeling like a visitor or even a trespasser. but now i do feel a bit more like a citizen. today i will work (2 jobs) and go to a meeting this evening. i already feel peace and gratitude. i hope to grow those feelings. i'm definitely glad i have something to work on.

i am sharing a vid that opens my heart for some reason. i have become enthralled with the xfactor uk this year. the auditions were amazing and this young girl's audition was no exception. but there was something even more compelling about her boot camp solo which is here. i hope you agree.

Do you believe in life after love 

I can feel something inside me say 

I really don't think you're strong enough, 

Now

Do you believe in life after love 

I can feel something inside me say 

I really don't think you're strong enough, 

Now 

What am I supposed to do 

Sit around and wait for you 

And I can't do that 

There's no turning back 

I need time to move on 

I need love to feel strong 

'Cause I've had time to think it through 

And maybe I'm too good for you Ohh Oh