vagabond superstar

There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.
Buddha.

firstly, ii would request that all readers also read mark olmsted’s blog regarding the passing of phillip seymour hoffman at question marxist. mark olmsted – aka the trash whisperer- touches on the very core of a major challenge with living in recovery- emotional sobriety. people with addictions – both active and arrested- remains the most complicated and treacherous path that I have walked and that those ii walk with encounter.

 

What is the appropriate behavior for a man or a woman in the midst of this world, where each person is clinging to his piece of debris? What’s the proper salutation between people as they pass each other in this flood?
Buddha.

there are moments in which the clarity and cruelty of feeling are so uber-pronounced and omnipresent that frozen only begins to describe the fear and uncertainty that follow. sometimes an exchange of words or ideas will give a glimpse of unknowing that feels just like the chill of a visiting spirit. someone may something to me that ii am not clear how to take and ii will panic- not because of what was said, but more because of the not knowing how to proceed.

it may turn out that I struggle with emotionality for the rest of my days. it gets easier and the frightful crazy part lasts shorter periods of time. but as mark olmsted points out, it is not how we feel that creates problems, but more how we think we should feel.

Emotional Management

There is no feeling without a thought. There is no feeling or thought without a corresponding physical response. We are not many. We are one.

It is a mistake for any of us to so divide ourselves into segments that we lose the sense of ourselves as holistic beings. There is no thought without a feeling. However by singling out a specific aspect of how we as people function, in this case the emotions, specific care can be given on that aspect. Feelings have the power to both take us to heaven and pitch us into hell. Feelings are perfectly capable of telling us the saving truth as well as sending us on the road to destruction. Feelings are powerful. As with all powerful things the task is to control and manage that power so it works to the person’s benefit.

Feelings must be understood for what they are and where they originate if the person experiencing them is to gain a life of sobriety, balance and serenity.

Topics covered in our various products dealing with emotional management:

• Understanding the anatomy of emotions
• Learning to feel long repressed feelings
• Discerning if the feeling is telling us a useful truth
• Not allowing feelings to be the sole dictator of behavior
• Steps to gaining emotional management
• words and thoughts by ernie larsen

memorabilia

I may be soft, I made the top, I like my cabaret non-stop,

It may be erotic, it may be ecstatic

With it down on your floor or in your attic.

You take it low or shut our eyes, and let our love materialise,

And I don't mean love on a chocolate box, I mean the love that really rocks

I say call me the baby, the good time lady,

Just look at me and it's easy to see why they call me Cindy Ecstasy.

Because I've got the eyes, the where's, the why's to make your love thing really

Rise,

You don't need your speed or your pair of wheels.

You've got the prize that will brighten your skies.

So look me up and I'll tell no lies,

Coz I'm the lady with the hot surprise,

If you don't believe me, ask Soft Cell, because I shook them up and I gave

Them hell.

So Call up Cindy Ecstasy if you're looking for a memory

Memorabilia...memorabilia

it's been an interesting week within an interesting month which makes for an interesting beginning to the year. i have passed through an uneasy time at my workplace and let go of a position that no longer felt healthy. i have passed through some financial stressors and can see an end to some challenges in that realm.  i almost rushed into another project, but pulled back at the last minute-deciding i should walk the idea around the block a few more times before i committed to purchasing. 

i must say that this week, this day, this friday evening finds me quite content. as i shred my work clothes just after arriving home, it occurred to me how much in my life has changed. for most of my years, i have never been able to sit home, let alone spend time by myself. yet at this juncture, i find spending time alone at home a very beautiful and happy thing. it speaks volumes to the affects of recovery to my sense of self. and i can clearly declare that i am quite satisfied with this shift.

i was listening to a remix of a sharon redd tune on soundcloud today and it took me back to when i was working at medusa's- sharon redd came to perform- 1984 i think. she had a hit record "can you handle it" at the time. she was an enigma to me. she had come to know success by that time in her life. she had been "discovered" working for bette midler as a harlette and then sang back up for a coupla more front divas before she got her own contract. she had a hit "beat the street" and then put out a few more records. this is about the time she came to medusa's. the big surprise was what we shared in common at that time. she was an uber-coke user. she freebased. i snorted. but we got blasted that whole evening. she had blasted so far outa this atmosphere that she built a structure of lawn chairs on the 3rd floor and hid behind them so she would feel safer. her boyfriend/manager came to collect her at the end of the evening and she hid behind the chairs and didn't want to leave. i can remember the awkward quality of that morning to this day. i never saw her again. we did not become friends. we just got blasted together in a quirk and the drifted. she passed away from aids-related pneumonia in 1992. 

as i wrote that last paragraph, i realize that there are so many facets and flavors in that paragraph that characterize several years of my life. over using, drifting, music, blasted,. enigma, fear- i could go on. of course there were other aspects to my life too, but i really know that part of me was caught up and blinded by a combination of a dance beat, denial, and addiction- all collaborating to change the way i felt. truthfully, in the 80's and 90's i had stumbled into a conveyer belt of some kind leading to today. damn i wanted to figure out a way out.

on monday i had 3 teeth pulled. i could have prolly had 2 crowns put in, but at my age and considering the cost, it seemed more practical to just exorcise them. i feel a bit naked in spots today. i will have a bridge built and slip something where there is now nothing and smile a little easier then. considering the sugar addiction, the 33 years of tobacco, coffee, and teeter-totter of vodka-scotch, it's a wonder i haven't lost more. still as i saw them being hoisted from my mouth, i felt a sense of loss and circumstance. i will not see them or use them ever again.

i had lunch with a friend today at work. she and i reminisced about some time passed and spent more time sharing observations about how things are now. the whole lunch fed my soul. she is emerging from a surgery which kept her at home for about 6 weeks. her recovery is slow, and seems to be keeping her in gratitude amid the fragile qualities that are life. our discussions lent themselves to what seems to be the focus of our days and efforts. and it's nice to have a cheerleader. and i hope i can be one also.

this morning i walked up to work while it was still dark. i got met with a big glass of insanity being splashed in my face likea slushee on glee. then a second splash came my way right after that. and all before i got into the building. sometimes i am not quite ready to help someone self-soothe. sometimes like today. although i work with many folks who have little or no self-soothing skills and have often felt ambushed before i get into the building, have a coffee, or get to set my bag down. it's a strange circular dance i engage in. again and again and again. i try to set boundaries. i try to slip in quietly. i try to ready. still too often i am approached before i feel ready and then try to dry off the slushee feeling for the next hour or so. without question there is a part of me that feels put upon. but the flipside is that i am lucky anybody wants to speak with me at all. there were times, many times, that there wasn't a voice within earshot that was meant for me. no i need to be okay with feeling invaded and then remembering that it's only a feeling. and feelings are not facts.

went to see august:osage county today. wow- was that a challenging experience. hard really. there were snippets of me, certainly snippets of family members, and swatches of addiction reality that cold-cocked me in the throat. it wasn't the gut-punching or kicking as i had found "requiem for a dream". osage county was more like a super 8 home movie that i didn't even know existed before this- and all the scenery is remembered, but i can't believe that's how we actually looked. this film had me peering in through the windows of my memory with a real fear that i would be found out. i tried hard not to make a sound, lest the anger i witnessed would be directed my way. i teared up a few times, mostly when the characters were talking gently about the dead dad.  this film left a strong taste in my mouth. i may have to go back in and get more.

i found this version of soft cell's "memorabilia" on soundcloud. it sparked the title for this post. i remember dancing to this- or body rocking really- at an after hours club in chicago called columns. it was on south michigan avenue. the crew i hung with in those days used to go there after the bars closed. my friend katie and i used to frequent the place. i met my best friend blue at columns. he was an odd duck then- still is actually. he was wearing a scottish purse on his head as a hat the first day we spoke. we walked home from columns north along the lake and forged the framework of a friendship that has lasted over 30 years. after hours clubs were just getting started in our town then.

i collect
 i reject....
 memorabilia....

i'm bustin' out

Well, not just one wish. A whole hatful, Mary. I know what I’m gonna do tomorrow, and the next day, and the next year, and the year after that. I’m shakin’ the dust of this crummy little town off my feet and I’m gonna see the world. Italy, Greece, the Parthenon, the Colosseum. Then, I’m comin’ back here and go to college and see what they know… And then I’m gonna build things. I’m gonna build airfields, I’m gonna build skyscrapers a hundred stories high, I’m gonna build bridges a mile long..... George Bailey (It's A Wonderful Life)

as the year comes to a close and fb has launched it's "2013 year in review", i am flooded with an odd sense of almost urgency. i have walked through a couple of dreams coming to life. i have felt the immense reassurance from the universe that some of me indeed makes sense. i have witnessed change happening in peoples' lives that have been as breathtaking as watching pink or orange sunrises.

i vowed last year to make room for love in my life. somehow i have managed to do this. i intend to grow this intention in my life and to expand it and to be more specific. i watched as part of my world seemed to fall apart and i did what i always do, but i also found the where-with-all to lean into the destruction and try to glean something from it. this last bit is a definite sign of progress for me.

i am excited for the chance to let go a bit more. i have been holding on to some invisible side rail feeling as if i could be knocked over at any moment- also with a deeper feeling that maybe i didn't deserve to be carefree. this year has swept in change with regard to this. i am grateful for this and i am both nervous and excited to change even more.

as i review my year, again i am amazed at the ninth step promises coming true in my life. perfection has not been reached, nor will it ever be- but a global shift has taken place in my world. it feels really wonderful and i want to examine it more closely. happy holidays.

The choice is ours...

Do we want more of what brought us to AA ...

We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn’t control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn’t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people—was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important ... ?

3rd ed. Big Book pg. 52 

... or do we want what practicing the principles of AA promises?

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear.

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

Self-seeking will slip away.

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

3rd ed. Big Book pg. 83 & 84 

that's life

“There is a story of a woman running away from tigers. She runs and runs and the tigers are getting closer and closer. When she comes to the edge of a cliff, she sees some vines there, so she climbs down and holds on to the vines. Looking down, she sees that there are tigers below her as well. She then notices that a mouse is gnawing away at the vine to which she is clinging. She also sees a beautiful little bunch of strawberries close to her, growing out of a clump of grass. She looks up and she looks down. She looks at the mouse. Then she just takes a strawberry, puts it in her mouth, and enjoys it thoroughly. Tigers above, tigers below. This is actually the predicament that we are always in, in terms of our birth and death. Each moment is just what it is. It might be the only moment of our life; it might be the only strawberry we’ll ever eat. We could get depressed about it, or we could finally appreciate it and delight in the preciousness of every single moment of our life.” 

― Pema Chödrön, The Wisdom of No Escape: How to Love Yourself and Your World

in what seems just a month or so, my world has shifted.i am facing a new direction although i have one foot facing one way and the other foot facing another. i can't really explain the entirety of this shift, but it has girth. there certainly is a pattern-ish feel to it. i had roguishly made an effort to ask for something more in my world and was shot down numbly and almost robot-like. it felt impersonal and without connection. immediately,  i visited disappointment and then had a turn with let-down, but planned to move on through to "okay" -until something unexpected happened. the rhetoric and the technique used to deliver the shut-down left a familiar and very sour and stagnant stench that has attached itself to my mind (this is how ptsd can appear in my world). it is so very hard to see experience beyond that stink and have turned with the hopes of fresher air. 

and i find myself right now with each foot facing a different direction- quite a pickle- wanting to move forward but i have to make both feet turn in the same direction before i can move anywhere. now i am just stuck. part of me wants to make a change towards breathe-ability, while the other is really pissed that i have to make a change at all.
now this is not an unfamiliar place for me at all. it is very much my nature to instinctively hunker myself into a position which causes me to feel disadvantaged. i actually can feel the familiarity as a sightless person may understand braille- uber sensory. also aligned with my primal patterns is a tendency to cut my losses, vacate the premises, and try my damnedest to not look back. somehow i have always not only possessed this ability but i have been blessed enough to have had the where-with-all to begin again on several occasions. just like the song says- i have been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn, and a king.

as i walk this turn on the spiral of my life, i find myself at least more aware of my path. the pull of my instinct is embedded and strong. this cellular memory has kept me alive and safe throughout all the fails of my past. it would be foolish to deny its integral aspect of my soul. a shift though, is my resistance to bang the integral drum by fleeing.
i am opting to work on keeping my heart open and creating space for something good (and decidedly different) to come into play. i have witnessed what i might consider signs that this may be a very good decision for me. these tickles of hope just may scratch this veneer that has protected me this half century, and it might bring a new option for my story.   i am also afraid- very afraid that i will have to endure the same feelings i always run from as they infiltrate my soul with the intensity of a tsunami. the emotional part of me swears that these feelings will destroy me. the more adult part knows very well that i have already survived - countless times.

i guess life is checking me and it's time for me to consider my next move. maybe that move is not to move just yet. but let me catch up to my life instead of my life being ahead of me so often.

i included 2 musical selections today. one for my past and one for my future.

light up

i spent some time today engaging in my guilty pleasure of watching the xfactors- both uk and australia- and have come across sam bailey who is currently stomping out all the competition on the uk show. she really is a remarkbable singer. and then i found a vid on youtube of her singing a snow patrol song and i thought that at that moment life just may not get any better. i love snow patrol, but her version puts that incredible song into another category entirely.

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want's to find an easy way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart, my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

nine

“Sentient beings, self and others, enemies and dear ones—all are made by thoughts. It is like seeing a rope and mistaking it for a snake. When we think that the rope is a snake, we are scared, but once we see that we are looking at a rope, our fear dissipates. We have been deluded by our thoughts. Likewise, mentally fabricating self and others, we generate attachment and aversion.” ~Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche

this last year seems to have spun around like a drum of pastel cotton candy. nine seems such a passive number- especially when compared to 5 or 10 or even 20. but 9 is my number today and i humbly admit that i am full of wonder and satisfaction. i can't say i care to repeat any of these past 9 years. but i do believe i have repeated several aspects of those years because i haven't discerned all the lessons to glean from life yet.

sometimes those repeats come seasonally. one might say that september rings in a cyclical situation for me. in hindsight, each september has heralded some very crazy emotional chaos. this year is no exception. i might as well be standing inside a car wash with the suds writhing and building, the jets streaming, and the noise so loud that i can hardly hear my own thoughts.

i dropped my car off at a corporate run garage to have a gauge replaced. when i went to pick it up after work they were unable to locate the key to my vehicle. i stood around for an hour until i started to squawk. this caused one guy to look in the same place 2 other guys had looked twice but he found them. happily i got my car and heard a kathunk kathunk kathunk coming from the back axle somewhere which wasn't  around when i dropped it off.  i took it back and heard the tech shout i don't know what he's f**king talking about . i changed a gauge and that's it- who knows what he's up to. feeling some sting from the total  experience, i quickly drove to get the emissions tested which was a 2nd goal for the afternoon.

i waited in line 40 minutes and then realized that i would not be able to pay with a credit card and there was no atm. i drove to a bank for a withdrawal and then drove back but arrived 5 minutes past the closing of the emissions shop. all so stupid it isn't funny. but i have to laugh. my plans are simply that- my plans- not the law. the absurdity here is overshadowed by the grace-filled perspective these 9 years have given me. this is the best gift i have known.

all the levels of awareness that make up my being have shifted during these 9 years. i have let go and let go and let go once more. the onion metaphor holds true as well. each layer of understanding i peel away reveals another layer with another following that.. with the 12 step program and my journey with buddhism, i have uncovered a design for survival which allows me to be awake during turmoil.

what i haven't mastered yet is the blueprint for my crazy. this year coupled with a quick but insightful phone conversation (phone-a-friend) shed light on the september insight. throughout my lifetime, it seems i have always begun something a this time of year. i got sober in september. i hopped the tracks in september and caught a train going in a different direction. it just could be that i am perpetuating that process.

whatever the answer really may be, i have learned that i don't have to know it all today. so i'll have my slice of quiche and my dark chocolate gelato and hold a wish for all of you that you find this relief i now wade in.

“When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so Long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.” –Alexander Graham Bell

oh yeah- happy 9-years drug and alcohol free bird day to me! september 28, 2013

lose yourself to dance

First, rely on the spirit and meaning of the teachings not on the words. Second, rely on the teachings not on the personality of the teacher. Third, rely on real wisdom. Not superficial interpretation. And fourth, rely on the essence on your pure wisdom mind. Not on judgemental perceptions.

the end of summer brings with it again a shift in my computability and perception. my perception of my time and work feels as if it has shifted somehow from a gift i have been given into something much different and slightly dark. i remember quite vividly when the illumination of all this changed, but i don't have much more insight than this. and the saying goes- "if you don't know what to do, the best thing to do is nothing". this describes my current environment. full of impulse and intuition tempered by caution and resistance.

the really numbing aspect to this is its familiarity. i am hardly an ingenue and yet i seem to do-si-do myself into the same position emotionally over and over like a choreographed bit on a network tv show blah-blah. it's a little bit flashy and interesting to watch for a minute, but the experience becomes empty and flat after a short time. 

this routine is familiar to me now, like stubble on my chin and i keep shaving it off hoping to be rid of it for good. yet it keeps coming back without fail. it is often said that life spirals, and i will continue to find myself in this same position until i have learned what i need to learn. of course this is where maturity becomes annoying- when i can no longer blame anyone else for my own behavior. it gets complicated by the repeating questions in my head like "what if i never get insight into what is going on?",  "what if nothing ever changes?", what if this is my karma somehow?"

more importantly though, might be my knowledge (not yet synthesized as true ability) to zoom out of this repetitive situation to understand that it may just be my dance. my work may not to be to remove it, but to embrace it somehow. not be done with it, but learn to work with it and even have it work for me. 

“Everyone defends his treasure, and will do so automatically.The real questions are, what do you treasure, and how much do you treasure it? Once you have learned to consider these questions and to bring them into all your actions, you will have little difficulty in clarifying the means. The means are available whenever you ask. You can, however, save time if you do not protract this step unduly. The correct focus will shorten it immeasurably.” 

― Helen Shucman A Course In Miracles

in memoriam

i met hunter through another friend bill. bill and hunter had been partners for about 7 years and had called it quits in the 90's sometime. but they remained friends and confidants until the end. hunter had begun working for frontier and owned a home on the edge of broadway terrace. when i was first trying to clean up, i painted hunter's house to help him and give me something to do. hunter and i worked catering gigs together. we shared meals once in awhile and saw each other at the holidays. he was effervescent, he was inspired, and he will always be loved.

i am sad for me, but extremely sad for bill. he has this loss on the heels of losing another of his best friends in february to a heart attack. 2 posse members in the space of a year is an incredible blow - for anyone. there is not a clear path for comfort here. suit up and show up is the only thing that comes to mind. 

fragments of time

We've come too far to give up who we are

So let's raise the bar and our cups to the stars

She's up all night 'til the sun

I'm up all night to get some

She's up all night for good fun

I'm up all night to get lucky

the peer recovery support enclave we have begun at my workplace got its first bit of funding today. another clinic on campus that has been running in the black for the last couple of years got a small windfall from a grant we are both on and donated it to our peer program.

this is kind of exciting. it means that we have moved a step further in the direction of authenticity. there can be a bit of reimbursement for the volunteers, some incentives can be offered, and some modifications might be able to be made to the space carved out for the peer resource center.

when i heard this bit of news today, my heart lifted. a sense of progress and validation swirled around me like a scented candle when lit. sensory stimulation has not been a frequent visitor these last few years. working for a large organization has required me to stifle much of my creative urges and learn to develop patience and reserve.

i had lunch with a friend this week at tony's market. had a grilled salmon with mixed greens and vinaigrette. lunch was great, but even better was the chance to talk with him about his life and mine. his youngest son just started kindergarten and has been in trouble since day 3- it made my heart smile- big time.

i got to share with him the unravelling of another truth for me. last summer, my good friend and sponsor was diagnosed with stage iv liver cancer and passed on before the autumn. i hadn't understood what happened to me emotionally until these months later when my life shifted again and i was able to get some perspective. i now understand that i shut down pretty completely just like a storefront in the jewelry district at 5pm. the metal gate rolled down and locked out any chance of getting out or getting in. i became uber frustrated with an organization i was doing volunteer work with. i over-worked for awhile, over volunteered and then over reacted to bad policies and bad behavior and then resigned.i did this quietly and emotionless, but with my borderline-ish drama none-the-less. i became disenchanted with the team i had been situated with at my workplace and i transferred to another team. i didn't make an announcement nor did i communicate my decision to any of  that team. i spent about a grand on 3 holiday parties i helped throw which sent my finances into a turtle's crawl. all of these actions are a direct response to my own emotional distress.

the frustrating part of all this is the lack of insight i had while these scenarios were playing out. the only awareness to which i was connected was the fact that these actions seemed to temporarily make me feel better. i nursed my sadness by withdrawing and turning inward all the while overspending to fill an emptiness i was trying to stave off- just like the little dutch boy with his finger in the hole of a dyke.

luckily, my whole life turned with new leadership at my day gig. suddenly i was asked to participate and be creative in lieu of the dummying down i had been doing for a couple of years. this incentive has jump started my emotional life and as the dead skin of my depression has shaken loose, i have caught of glimpse of where i have just been and it is both elementary and convoluted.

these glimpses of how i really am in the world are truly a bi-product of my daily decisions to not use. to grow up. to walk free. and once in awhile- like this week- i am able to be in touch with this freedom-and i just can't get enough. i guess the more we change- the more we do stay the same.

welcome to the weekend

i spoke with a friend yesterday about some ideas i have for developing a stronger sense of community among people in recovery. this guy is a networking nazi and very well known around town. he and i met after i had become a drug and alcohol counselor. he was a fairly high profile client. he had been instrumental in bringing crystal meth anonymous to denver and had been working as a peer navigator at denver's drug court. additionally, i was walking and talking with him when he hatched the idea of "surrounded by recovery" which evolved into 2 years of recovery celebration at the capital which lead to a hand holding event each year around the gold dome with the intention of raising awareness that recovery works. when i met him, i had been clean only 2 years- he had been struggling for 5. i told him that i didn't believe i could really be an effective counselor for him, but that it seemed he might need a good honest friend.

sadly all of his amazing and ground breaking efforts resulted in relapse for him. this humbled him and threw back each of the efforts he generated back several years. but this is life and this is how the brain operates. it likes dopamine. it bends and reshapes synapses to allow the dopamine release process to flourish and take over. if it were uncommon, our culture would not have many of the problems it does. he has again built time and has been dancing with humility which looks good on him.

as i spoke with him yesterday i ran down the basic concept of a recover resource and networking event in september and trying to market this. it includes using and developing a radio program- probably using blog talk radio. it's a big task, but i think i am ready for a new project. and it would be beneficial to be able to reach more pockets of individuals.

funny- i feel a familiar sense of excitement in my gut. fear, hope, wonder usually accompany my muse. definitely excited to see how this unfolds. came across some web-based recovery support programs yesterday which i am hoping we can beta with some younger patients at my workplace-exciting. i have 2 interns starting on tuesday - this is my first mentoring gig as a counselor. i work 2 parties this week and hope to catch up on a couple of outstanding bills.

 i am planning to restart cardio classes this weekend and see the star trek -in 3d-. i am ready for some fun.

with fun in mind, i remember a time in the late 70's that i could throw a b52's vinyl album on the turntable and let the whole thing play through- all the while dancing, bopping, and having a blast. today i find the same joy with nicolas jaar. he is a composer, dj, producer that creates a rhythm pattern that makes my heart and soul smile.

when the levee breaks

image credit ...ozge gurer

                                                                 

Cryin' won't help you, prayin' won't do you no good, 

Now, cryin' won't help you, prayin' won't do you no good, 

When the levee breaks, mama, you got to move. 

lyrics memphis minnie and kansas joe mccoy

sometimes i am in uber-love with facebook. it offers me hit after hit of glimpses of thoughts and ideas outside my everyday. my haphazardly honed adhd loves this effect. this morning it was a recording of led zeppelin's recording of "when the levee breaks" from their 1971 album "IV" the sight of that audio post gave me permission to zoom out of my life for a minute and put on a different pair of glasses.

continually saying yes has a price. i know this. i have seen this. i have lived this. but my innate desire to excel overrides any logic i might posses. my way is to take it on, take another on, and then say "sure" again mostly because nothing else ever comes to mind. i learned early on in life how to become teacher's pet. i purred in the luxury of excelling in the classroom and being perceived in a positive light, while the i spent the rest of my small town existence of a sissy boy queer orbiting in an atmosphere of whispers and shame. as fate (my teacher) would have it, this obsession with feeling accepted and an impulsive need for validation like a bird of prey  flies close to the falconer.

if i try to recap the events of this past week, my first emotional response is shame. and i don't have the clarity today to understand whether this shame is appropriate or if it is primal. (i hate this not knowing btw). i ran an emotional marathon this week-

 i sat through what seemed like endless arbitrary meetings

 i waded through some large marshes of co-workers discontent,

 i called off a mini-vacation in my old hometown 

i juggled finances and made some hard but necessary choices,

 i took some more ownership of a grant application,

 i wrote a bio-sketch of my peer support experience,

 i became hyper-sensitive mid week and walked through the rest of days,

 my car stopped working,

 i asked for help and got it,

 i received a note from a colleague expressing concern about the work project not being truly

 peer-driven,

  encountered some passive aggression from a person whom i recommended be re-assigned,

 said goodbye and good-luck to a favorite work mate who transferred to another department.

i am really gobsmacked just writing all this out. these last days i have felt like a gymnast on a balance beam. it's been daunting and precarious and felt competitive. and i have danced like a cobra for the snake charmer. i don't know if the dam will hold. but i do believe the ride is far from over. 

seasons of love - and fear and rage- and change

vito russo at an actup demonstration

i am starting this post the morning after i saw the film "how to survive a plague".  it brought back so many remembrances of just how terrifying the 80's became for us. the uncertainty was palpable and in larger cities the anger was like a cloak that kept the gay community warm.  i am humbly amazed at how synchronicity encircles my life.

i called a friend from sin(strength in numbers) and asked him to go with me. we ended up with 10 people going to see it- many of whom i hadn't seen really for a year or more.there is a scene in the film where mark carrington on doing a film diary and is making a big deal about lighting a cigarette and looking cool. the filmmaker at the time tells him to forget the cigarette after he blows his line and he seems non-plussed because his cool stogie lighting bit won't be included. the guys i was with laughed out loud in unison at the vanity of it all. it was even funnier because we all laughed and no one else in the theater did- actually we laughed at several bits in the film without accompaniment.

the shots of aids patients of that time are still haunting and rang in that personal nightmare without fanfare or fuss. actually i found the documentary experience utilitarian and cathartic. it gave me the opportunity to reframe some of my terror and uncertainty into something less fearful and maybe even hopeful. to really experience the effects of high-pitched  fear and anger that were focused and targeted changed my landscape. it is sad that it took 20 years for me to catch up with peter staley, larry kramer, mark carrington, and the rest of the bunch. but i am very grateful i have had the opportunity to understand.

before this, i knew well that the actions of actup coalesced in a change of the systems we live with. the medical system, the research protocol, and the fda approval process. what i didn't know what how well planned and well executed the strategies for change were by this rogue band of frightened and angry men and women.

and just like these lgbt heroes from the film. maybe the change can be for the good. all our lives have been touched and tweaked by the demands of those brave and angry individuals. patient-centered care, fast tracked new drugs, open nih board meetings, peer representatives are just a few of the improvements we've seen in our healthcare world. absolutely nowhere in my mind is there doubt that the actions taken haven't saved lives. i know they saved mine. just how many they have touched may never really be known.

 i continue to be completely mad for peter staley. it is an unrequited crush that i will carry to my end of days. he did all that was documented in this film, plus he shape shifted the consciousness of nyc gay culture around crystal meth in the early 21 century. he grappled with the drug himself, which was no doubt a side effect of living with the terror of looming death for so long. it was mentioned that there were/are issues for many of the long-term survivors. this is part of my experience, too, and is a blessing (albeit very mixed). to survive is a gift even if it has a costly price tag.

currently i have found myself very angry in my life. my sponsor/friend has passed and  i spent many hours volunteering for a friends organization and have walked away feeling empty and burnt. i have removed myself from the fray which has turned down the heat abundantly, but i still have work to do in this arena. this film has lovingly reminded me that my anger can be of good use to me if i allow it to do so. i share in a meeting today that anger is really a signal that something needs work and i might look at anger as an opportunity to change. change takes time and almost everything changes with time. or so i pray.

celebrating 8 years

“All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.”

september 28 2004 was the day my heart gave out. i found myself in a position in my life in which i no longer recognized myself and i felt trapped by my behaviors. 

opportunity seemed to have vanished, and i was living in a life that i felt no love or compassion for. i had blasted all the meaning and intention from life with disregard and irreverence, and had been running for so many years i no longer was clear on what i was running from nor what i might be running to. i guess it had been endless running.

september 28 2004 was the day i surrendered. that was 8 years ago today. i went back to the treatment program and started participating in 12 step meetings. of course, those meetings were the last place i wanted to be. they seemed so lame. people i never would have partied with were talking about issues in their lives i had no concern nor care for. it came to unnerve me often, but i continued because i had no where else to really go and because here were the only sober people i could find. 

i really have to say here that i do feel honestly blessed. in that 1st year, there is no way i could have comprehended the path i now follow. i probably would not have been interested in it to be truthful. but this is the biggest blessing in surrender for me- the promises as laid out in that famous book "the big book"

“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”

i never knew until this recovery journey began, that my compassionate side had a birthplace and a reason. i didn't believe that the agonizing experiences i had growing up gay in small town middle america would be transformed into stockpiles of strength and understanding that i could offer to others in similar predicaments in their lives. and more importantly, i had no clue that i didn't have to run away whenever situations became so difficult-which they occasionally still do. but these are just a few insights i have gained over the last 8 years.

although today is a milestone, it is thoroughly bittersweet. my mentor of 7 years passed away 7 days ago and this would have been my 7th celebration with him by my side. certainly he resides in my heart and my mind. i have merely lost the luxury of hearing the words-"happy birthday cosmo" in the reassuring voice that has helped tame my heart and mold my intention. i really want to resent (but can't) the words i share often about the work in this life being really about "letting go". i have had so many wonderful things in my life, but i haven't been able to keep any of them. i have always had to let go. and it's the acceptance of that which causes me the most pain. letting go of my friend paul 27 years ago and letting go of my sponsor paul now are some of the most heart wrenching treks i have endured. 

i have made  great friends and reconnected with family, but these relationships have a very different rhythm without the partying. they seem quieter and they seem to run deeper. i have to say "thank you" to all my friends including my online life- without you and your support, my life would be so much smaller.   however, the most changed relationship is the one i have developed with the world in which i live. i used to take for granted the people, places, and things. i was always taking what i wanted or snatching what i needed, almost feeling like a visitor or even a trespasser. but now i do feel a bit more like a citizen. today i will work (2 jobs) and go to a meeting this evening. i already feel peace and gratitude. i hope to grow those feelings. i'm definitely glad i have something to work on.

i am sharing a vid that opens my heart for some reason. i have become enthralled with the xfactor uk this year. the auditions were amazing and this young girl's audition was no exception. but there was something even more compelling about her boot camp solo which is here. i hope you agree.

Do you believe in life after love 

I can feel something inside me say 

I really don't think you're strong enough, 

Now

Do you believe in life after love 

I can feel something inside me say 

I really don't think you're strong enough, 

Now 

What am I supposed to do 

Sit around and wait for you 

And I can't do that 

There's no turning back 

I need time to move on 

I need love to feel strong 

'Cause I've had time to think it through 

And maybe I'm too good for you Ohh Oh 

the missing boy

image credit... herr buchta

i spent 3 days in reston virginia working with a team on a design outline for a recovery oriented system of care for the state of colorado. sadly i realized that when dollars are the driving force behind a process, there is a devaluation for me. i went to a workshop which focused on a model for a peer led organization to sustain its funding. i felt my heart sink as i listened to information being disseminated around finding and sustaining funding. my experience tells me that when funding is a priority, then the intention gets really diluted. this was a revelation that came succinctly and discreetly to me. i spoke my mind and revealed my true feelings on the 2nd day which began a process which was like unraveling a ball of yarn.

i am swirling in disappointment this weekend. i haven't quite figured out how to negotiate all this. i believe that peer services are invaluable. i couldn't have made it this far without them. i just am not clear on my drive to find funding for them. .i am also drenched in some old shame- from where i am not sure. i am beginning to understand how some of this works for me- but not quite all. i spent saturday isolating and steeping in self-pity and anger about all this.

i know that i had a great day on wednesday. i was able to contribute and i felt energized. however there was a piece of me that felt i had over shared and was inappropriate. this piece nagged at me the rest of the time and became overwhelming by friday. i was unable to see beyond it or through it. it choked the life out of the time away.

i was on such a charge to get away from my companions, i changed my flight and left an hour early on friday. it afforded me time to go to a farewell party for my supervisor when i got home. i found being with work colleagues somehow comforting after the thought provoking melee in va. i stayed for an hour or so and then the isolating ritual began. this lasted through till sunday morning.

i went to my usual meeting and the topic was god-reliance. listening to everyone share really did quell much of my uneasiness. i remembered (again) that the journey is also about struggle. internally, i believe that my struggles lead to self knowledge. it's the ancient part of me that resorts back to my traumatic postures such as the isolation. i got triggered and i did what i always do. i hid in shame spending over 24 hours fantasizing about picking my life apart piece by piece. thank goodness for the sunlight of spirit i was able to bask in today.

luckily i didn't contact anyone or make any real decisions. i just sat in the dark-alone-steeped in negativity and licked some wounds. it did give me cause to wonder if i will ever get beyond feeling crazy. i understand more fully that this part of me that protects myself from feeling of shame is a very dogged champion. it has helped me to survive some very very painful and dangerous situations. i guess 24 hours of being inhabited by this walk-in isn't the worst thing that could happen- although i would much prefer to recognize the pattern in a shorter time. this punk part of me did keep me safe. in the fear and the rush to isolate, my feelings were protected. at this stage of my life though, i am not clear that this protection is what is best for me. i might do much better walking through them.

image credit..... herr buchta

progress not perfection though. isn't that what they say? i only hope i can remain tethered to the spirit that leads me to the light.

soul meets body

image credit.... jumping pages

“There is a story of a woman running away from tigers. She runs and runs and the tigers are getting closer and closer. When she comes to the edge of a cliff, she sees some vines there, so she climbs down and holds on to the vines. Looking down, she sees that there are tigers below her as well. She then notices that a mouse is gnawing away at the vine to which she is clinging. She also sees a beautiful little bunch of strawberries close to her, growing out of a clump of grass. She looks up and she looks down. She looks at the mouse. Then she just takes a strawberry, puts it in her mouth, and enjoys it thoroughly. Tigers above, tigers below. This is actually the predicament that we are always in, in terms of our birth and death. Each moment is just what it is. It might be the only moment of our life; it might be the only strawberry we’ll ever eat. We could get depressed about it, or we could finally appreciate it and delight in the preciousness of every single moment of our life.” 

― Pema Chödrön, The Wisdom of No Escape: How to Love Yourself and Your World

i have managed to become involved in some cultural changes happening at my workplace. we are working to create a recovery oriented system of care (rosc) where there has been little visibility of recovery before. i know it sounds simple, but i refuse to be that naive. if it were easy, it would already be in place. there are some barriers to this that exist and i am not even sure i am familiar with most of them. there is much to do.  i was chatting with some co-workers about it yesterday and i was intimating that part of i am energized by the idea of change and had been involved in creating business and redirecting it for as long as i could remember.

in 1982, i started working for a friend who had spent years developing an after hours club in chicago. i had the opportunity to contribute ideas, concepts, and labor which helped create a fairly well-known night spot that was around for 10 years.

in 1987 i started working for an uncle and his friend for a very small travel agency that was basically a bucket shop- reselling international airline tickets to customers that were issued by wholesalers at highly discounted prices. i was fortunate enough to contribute ideas, concepts, and labor which helped steer this company into a 17 million dollar business over the course of 10 years. a definite bonus was my ability to travel all over the globe and widen my world-view.

interspersed throughout my life, i have worked at the openings of at least 12 restaurants, each time afforded the opportunity to offer ideas, concepts, and labor that would result in the creation of something new. there has mostly  been a source of creation and excitement as i showed up for work on a daily basis.

historically, the sad and painful truth is that mental health and substance abuse have accompanied me on my journey. as i review all these fantastic opportunities, i realize that these issues were the david to my goliath.  i can now see that the gifts of imagination and inspiration are accompanied by self-doubt and a drive to self-destruct. these thrill killers are an integral part of my psychological make-up and have demonically fueled by drugs and alcohol over the years.

since getting sober, i have had the fortune of helping to start a counseling program directly followed by a resurgence of ptsd which became emotionally global. i have developed an hiv community newsletter that has been publishing for 5 years now. i have helped a friend create a not  for profit organization so he could develop his  philanthropic efforts and get funding. most of these things were simple ideas that became inspiration which led to action and creation.

currently, along with the culture change i am involved in, is an acute awareness of my vulnerabilities. they are definitely with me still. i am much more aware now, and have become skilled at maneuvering them without numbing them out. it is very exciting for me to be part of this  change, especially because i don't know where they will lead.

i am following my heart and my instinct here. it is challenging. it engages me. my hopes are ignited- both selfish and philanthropic. i want to succeed and i want to do well. i was reporting to a co-worker that i always find myself in a position to ask questions about making things better. she replied that i put myself in that position. her acumen startled me. i guess it's true. this must be part of my skill set. i hope it is the work i am here to do. it sure feels right.

tsop

image credit... alex ibsen

i arrived in philadelphia this afternoon with no real objectives other than to get outta dodge and attend the philadelphia roundup this weekend.  additionally i am touching  base with a dear friend who relocated here in october, it is remarkable to witness the resilience in someone who continues to pursue something he loves with someone he loves. it definitely gives me hope. 

one thing of which i am acutely aware is the fear i have of people and new situations. i don't remember being like this before, but i probably self-medicated through it and paid little mind. (double entendre :). i have developed fear and avoidance when faced with strangers. it makes some sense, as i work as a counselor and have that platform to meet clients with. i am confident and sure-footed most of the time. i also work with personal chefs at small dinner parties at private homes and have the run of the kitchens and dining rooms when i am there. 

but here, in philadelphia, without a "job", i find myself flailing and sputtering. it is awkward, clumsy, and uncomfortable. and i need to lean into the awkwardness somehow. 

this city holds history and it is a wonder to walk about. its majesty and grandeur are visible and present in a way that is also understated. there are old buildings that have been refurbed everywhere, and there are restoration projects all over the downtown area. there are plenty of buildings in decay as well.  as i was shooting the above photograph yesterday, some woman came up to me and asked "are you going to fix it"?  i laughed.

no- i had no intention of fixing this building. 

but it also reminded me that not too long ago, i was very much like this abandoned decaying structure. i was just there and not even remotely aware that i was in disrepair and needed fixing. but that has changed. 

philadelphia won't fix me. but it is presenting me with a new perspective on where i am and where i am going. the concept of roundups is, i believe, to support lgbt persons in recovery to normalize their experiences and feelings. the very concept intimates that our culture has specific needs and commonalities. as i move forward in my program, i understand that i continue to have work to do. 

thank you universe for reminding me that even though i have some time, i am not finished.

this isn't everything you are

image credit ... nicolas urquiza

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

this has been a week of uncomfortable situations. last week i reached out to an ailing acquaintance who has recently become homeless. i offered to give them a place to stay while they found housing. it turns out they heard me offer to let them move in with me. it's a subtle but crucial difference and i have to clarify.

another colleague is undergoing hep-c treatment. her emotions are in turmoil and she seems scattered and crazy. it could be that she is over-reacting and misreading all sorts of situations. it is very painful for me to be near her and i have decided to withdraw. i always struggle with the boundaries i set for myself, because having boundaries is a very new thing in my life.

i put together a thank-you dinner for the volunteers at the rally. i got 10 rsvp's and then only one of them showed up. i sat in the restaurant on friday evening with a couple of friends at a big empty table. it was a challenge not to personalize this. i believe there is something to be learned around this.

i am headed into a very busy time for me. i do catering work with private chefs and i have 13 functions scheduled in addition to my full time job. and i am to be in philadelphia for 5 days in december. i am supposed to stay with friends while i attend a 12 step conference. i am now having second thoughts and am considering getting a hotel. it's money i hadn't planned to spend.

i am still waiting to hear from the bank regarding my home loan. it's been several months. the state of not-knowing is very strange. it's unsettling and requires faith. faith is something i claim to channel, but sometimes it feels as if the breaker is short-circuiting.

these are all situations i would rather not be walking through. and i think i have felt really craggy because they are all happening together. each day has been me taking the time to gently talk myself off the ceiling as i keep  floating off the ground.

a friend i have known through my sobriety has gone back out now 2x in the last year. i heard he went out last weekend. i called him and offered to help in some way if he felt that were possible. he talks about his struggle with his sober life being enough. this resonates with me as i trudge through my own quest for emotional sobriety.


Keeping up all night

And the night before

And you've lost count of drinks and time

And your friends keep calling but we're sick

And there's strangers everywhere

Don't kill love now

Don't kill love

Don't kill love now

Don't kill love