soul meets body

image credit.... jumping pages

“There is a story of a woman running away from tigers. She runs and runs and the tigers are getting closer and closer. When she comes to the edge of a cliff, she sees some vines there, so she climbs down and holds on to the vines. Looking down, she sees that there are tigers below her as well. She then notices that a mouse is gnawing away at the vine to which she is clinging. She also sees a beautiful little bunch of strawberries close to her, growing out of a clump of grass. She looks up and she looks down. She looks at the mouse. Then she just takes a strawberry, puts it in her mouth, and enjoys it thoroughly. Tigers above, tigers below. This is actually the predicament that we are always in, in terms of our birth and death. Each moment is just what it is. It might be the only moment of our life; it might be the only strawberry we’ll ever eat. We could get depressed about it, or we could finally appreciate it and delight in the preciousness of every single moment of our life.” 

― Pema Chödrön, The Wisdom of No Escape: How to Love Yourself and Your World

i have managed to become involved in some cultural changes happening at my workplace. we are working to create a recovery oriented system of care (rosc) where there has been little visibility of recovery before. i know it sounds simple, but i refuse to be that naive. if it were easy, it would already be in place. there are some barriers to this that exist and i am not even sure i am familiar with most of them. there is much to do.  i was chatting with some co-workers about it yesterday and i was intimating that part of i am energized by the idea of change and had been involved in creating business and redirecting it for as long as i could remember.

in 1982, i started working for a friend who had spent years developing an after hours club in chicago. i had the opportunity to contribute ideas, concepts, and labor which helped create a fairly well-known night spot that was around for 10 years.

in 1987 i started working for an uncle and his friend for a very small travel agency that was basically a bucket shop- reselling international airline tickets to customers that were issued by wholesalers at highly discounted prices. i was fortunate enough to contribute ideas, concepts, and labor which helped steer this company into a 17 million dollar business over the course of 10 years. a definite bonus was my ability to travel all over the globe and widen my world-view.

interspersed throughout my life, i have worked at the openings of at least 12 restaurants, each time afforded the opportunity to offer ideas, concepts, and labor that would result in the creation of something new. there has mostly  been a source of creation and excitement as i showed up for work on a daily basis.

historically, the sad and painful truth is that mental health and substance abuse have accompanied me on my journey. as i review all these fantastic opportunities, i realize that these issues were the david to my goliath.  i can now see that the gifts of imagination and inspiration are accompanied by self-doubt and a drive to self-destruct. these thrill killers are an integral part of my psychological make-up and have demonically fueled by drugs and alcohol over the years.

since getting sober, i have had the fortune of helping to start a counseling program directly followed by a resurgence of ptsd which became emotionally global. i have developed an hiv community newsletter that has been publishing for 5 years now. i have helped a friend create a not  for profit organization so he could develop his  philanthropic efforts and get funding. most of these things were simple ideas that became inspiration which led to action and creation.

currently, along with the culture change i am involved in, is an acute awareness of my vulnerabilities. they are definitely with me still. i am much more aware now, and have become skilled at maneuvering them without numbing them out. it is very exciting for me to be part of this  change, especially because i don't know where they will lead.

i am following my heart and my instinct here. it is challenging. it engages me. my hopes are ignited- both selfish and philanthropic. i want to succeed and i want to do well. i was reporting to a co-worker that i always find myself in a position to ask questions about making things better. she replied that i put myself in that position. her acumen startled me. i guess it's true. this must be part of my skill set. i hope it is the work i am here to do. it sure feels right.

brotherly love

Reaching Out

I made it into this Program because someone else worked their Twelfth Step on me. Someone passed it on to me. Someone was out there after they got clean and sober, caring about others. I need to never, ever forget that. Had they simply gone on with their lives and forgotten about people like me who were still out there using and suffering, I wouldn't be here today. My gratitude begins with that fact. It is with that gratitude in mind that I reach out to others, especially the newcomers. I need to have them in my life. That is where my spirituality begins.

For me, spirituality comes from caring about others. I have found that the more I focus on improving the quality of the lives of others, the less I am into myself and my will. I feel a freedom and peace from within. The gifts I am beginning to receive in my life are greater than I could have ever imagined.

Something else I have done is that I have forgiven myself. I have forgiven myself for being an addict. I have forgiven myself for all the damage I did to my life, to my physical health, and to my career and finances. But most of all, I have forgiven myself for all of the horrible, negative and unloving things I have felt about myself. It was not until I offered and accepted my own forgiveness, that I was truly able to grow in my sobriety.. 

From CA's Faith, Hope, and Courage

i thought about the quote about forgiveness today. i met a young man who has been spinning out of control with meth and other things for a few years now. he appeared after he found out that he had tested negative for hiv yet again. he truly seemed disappointed- almost hurt- that he had not made the club. he was telling his story around several guys who are hiv positive and i think it really had them scratching their heads. i have learned that the concept of bug-chaser, or trying to get the virus is very real. and i would venture to say that much of it is in direct response to how these men feel about themselves. often it stems around their sexual preferences and the self judgement and societal judgement. men have enmeshed connection to their sexual prowess with their self worth. we often feel validation through sexual activity. so when we seek validation, but it is cancelled out by our judgement of the activity, it creates inner turmoil. confusion, drama, and self punishment. needless to say it was a rich afternoon. 

all in all though, it was a day of starts and stops. i guess they are all that way, but today did seem clunkier than usual somehow. i do believe that things are moving and that feels good. i haven't heard about my house loan, which is odd, but surrender is the sane choice here. i booked my flight to philadelphia in december for the roundup. my good friend alex moved there about a month ago and won 2 free registrations for the conference, so it gives me a reason to get outa town. i can certainly use some time away. i have been doing day or weekend jaunts in my lovely home state, but i haven't gotten on a plane in about a year, so it certainly is time. i have never been to philly either, so i am getting a bit stoked.

i could really do with an infusion of my own recovery, and so this will allow me the chance to not be a caregiver for few days. i'm not complaining here. i am just saying. i'm ready to experience a little different kind of brotherly love.

i heard this song on groove salad on somafm. i find it tickling and wonderful. i will be looking further into shantel.

doing the work

i shared in a meeting  today about something very personal. i have blogged about it before, but it was a very different experience to speak it out loud in front of people, some of whom i don't even know and who are new to the recovery experience. part of my truth is that i rarely feel as if anything i do is appropriate. it's a habit i have developed since i was young, and in my mind i first go to the belief that my truth is not a good truth, and i have stepped over a line somewhere and have really offended people.

when i was in the 5th grade or so, i had a sexual encounter with some older boys in my small town. i had thought that it was a private and personal experience, but the boys talked and laughed about it and i became a joke and it hurt a lot. it is a moment that defined me as a person. i couldn't tell anyone because it was too disgusting and i couldn't let them know that it bothered me. i just had to stuff it and do the best that i could. my behaviors replicated and getting high became an easy way to blot out any pain and focus on the pleasure.

when i was 3 or 4 years sober, i had a very similar experience with an employer. i had trusted him with some personal information, something private, and somehow it was used in an anonymous letter that was sent out to colleagues. again, i had trusted someone and they had spit out that trust like milk gone bad. and i found myself  as hurt and as angry as i had 35 years earlier in my life. i was stuck.

miraculously, i didn't revert back to using. the only reason was that working the 12 steps had afforded me a process to deal with emotions that run over. it worked, too. it wasn't perfect, but it did help me see my part in all this. and it did offer me sanctuary when i truly needed it most.

this is something i have lived with my whole life, although i never really took a look at it until these last few years. it takes some times for the blinders to really come off and to start to get a picture of how i actually am in the world. not just how i see myself, nor how i want to be, but how i am.

i say i have lived with this all my life because as i sit here at 4 in the morning blogging about a truth i spoke 16 hours earlier, i recognize very well the self-judgement imposed when i am honest. and in retrospect, i realize i won't give myself a break and describe what i shared as appropriate. but i will acquiesce that it did no harm. that the world can stand that i didn't do it perfectly. that i can be forgiven down the road for lack of forethought.

i believe that the emotional mask is starting to come off. i have been under enormous financial stress because i made some poor decisions over the last couple of years. mostly it was about deciding by impulse instead of thinking things through, and now i am required to live with those decisions. it has been uncomfortable and it has been an opportunity for me to do some very long overdue growing up.

but the stress of it has no doubt stolen some joy. and here is sit, tapping into some of the darker realities in my life. luckily, i have been here before, and i have been here sober, so i know i probably won't crumble. i also know that i have to pull the shit out of the corners and shake it out. otherwise i run the risk of doing damage.

today i spent some time planting some new shrubs along the front walk. we have been working on this part of the yard for a couple of years now. i find i avoid getting started, but when i do get out there and start pulling weeds, or watering, i get caught up in the process and love doing the work. i equally appreciate the end result. the landscape has improved. it looks better. it feels cared for. and it is healthier. i usually get sweaty and dirty while i am working on it, but the payoff is real.

asking

HELP ME IF YOU CAN, I'M FEELING DOWN

AND I DO APPRECIATE YOU BEING AROUND.

HELP ME GET MY FEET BACK ON THE GROUND,

WON'T YOU PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME.

John Lennon

i cannot really tell you just why asking for help is such an enormously difficult thing to do sometimes, but it is.i
have just come out the other end of re validating this fact. more than anything else, i understand it mostly has to do with my ego and my aversion to appearing weak. of course, this makes little sense when at every turn i secretly remind myself of how i don't deserve this or that, and i love nothing more at times to underline and highlight all the mistakes i make. so why allowing this perception out into the world seems so hypocritical, yet on that insane landfill is where i repeatedly plant my flag.

i would like to say that i fear being told "no", which may have some whispers of truth, but mostly it's me, trying to be an island. but i managed to swallow my pride- with several big gulps, and asked someone for help. they told me they were unable to assist me in the way i wanted, but could manage it another way. i felt grateful, but not relieved. so i had to ask another sweet soul for help.  whew! this time it was a go. and i was thanked for asking.

I will always remember a quote from leslie j regarding help. he said he had written H-E-L-P on his bathroom mirror in soap and everyday as he readied himself for the world,  he would be reminded

HELP = His Ever Loving Presence. I must remember that I can always ask for H.E.L.P. because He is always here :

working with others

Working With Others

Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics! You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when other fail. Remember they are very ill.


Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends — this is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives.


Perhaps you are not acquainted with any drinkers who want to recover. You can easily find some by asking a few doctors, ministers, priests or hospitals. They will be only too glad to assist you. Don't start out as an evangelist or reformer. Unfortunately a lot of prejudice exists. You will be handicapped if you arouse it. Ministers and doctors are competent and you can learn much from them if you wish, but it happens that because of your own drinking experience you can be uniquely useful to other alcoholics. So cooperate; never criticize. To be helpful is our only aim.

i haven't written about my raison d'etre for awhile. it's not easy to be objective about something so personal. and working with others is not simple. really, there is probably not much to say that hasn't been said. what i have realized in the few years i have doing this is that i learn as i go. that holding back  is just as important as pushing forward. that listening holds more power than yakking. and that just being there is the most valuable gift to give.

all the missteps, all the wrong turns, all the dark hours, all the heartache and horror, all the self-deprecation, and all the failed attempts that i have experienced on my journey as well as the shared time with others leads me to an evolving place of the present. part of what i am privileged to witness is definitely the sprouting of fellowship around me. part of what am privy to is the way in which the world opens up to envelop my this intention- this intention of giving back. the synchronicity that prevails in tandem with re purposing my life has been an extraordinary experience  for me. i am indeed a testament to the highs and lows that one life traverses.

however, the highlight of working with others are individual transformations that are sometimes seen. not always the same at all, they are as different as the characters they come through. sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly is a truism, but doesn't come close to the diversity encountered.  and although as varied as the number of species of plants on this planet, the singular expression of self-appraisal, self-empowerment, and self-forgiveness that accompanies recovery is a quiet masterpiece. and to see it is is a chance to see a one-time event with the best seat in the house.

i can't imagine how my life would look without this turn it has taken this last decade.  i am so very humbled by the pop-up-book quality that my life now has- turn a page and wow there's an entire city. and i am thankful for the grace afforded me in having purpose. when i am working with others i am working on myself. i am others and others are me.

true

So true funny how it seems

Always in time, but never in line for dreams

Head over heels when toe to toe

This is the sound of my soul,

This is the sound

I bought a ticket to the world,

But now I've come back again

Why do I find it hard to write the next line

Oh I want the truth to be said

as i happily trudge through my daily routine, i encounter an incredible amount of shortcomings and deficits i had never known about. maybe i did, but never gave them the time of day. i know that i often find myself cutting a path between fear and acceptance with situations in my life. i fear failing or judgement, so i react and judge in defense.  i then will catch myself and try to let go of my auto-reactions and move towards trusting the outcome and trusting my abilities.

its always an exercise in mindfulness, because i have trained myself for 40 odd years to react instantly with fear. i go there first and then have to climb down from a usually precarious postion like a kitten just exercising its freedom.

this tedious and relentless process has become more bearable. i can't say i have it licked, but i am able to recognize who i am and what i am doing with more diligence and pace as my life evolves. i am learning to accept who i am, warts and pimples and all- and be okay with it.

for this i am sincerely grateful.