space is only noise

Be a lamp unto yourself. Work out your liberation with diligence.

...from Daily Buddha Wisdom

inspiration comes from many places, often times very unexpectedly. i came across a dj from chile called nico and found his brand of beats almost invitational. just what the invitation is for, i have not quite determined. but that is some of the work in life- moving forward without knowing.

i am in the midst of transitions in so many parts of my life. i am shifting to a new team at my workplace which will certainly herald some evident change. i have helped  friends implement a new meth treatment program at their small agency in englewood (denver suburb well known for aod problems). it is an eop (extended outpatient program) which is 3 days/ 8 hours of contact per week. we also helped start a 12 step program at that location on the 3rd night of the itinerary. i have started back at my favorite gym, although i have injured my knee during cardio and am taking a break right now. and i have let go of a volunteer position which i had been initially very enthused about. this took a lot more time and energy than first anticipated and i walked away feeling frustrated, wrung out, and sadly with tethered relationships. finally, i have lost my sponsor and i have been remiss (avoiding) moving forward quickly on this- just not my way.

what i have noticed taking place along with these shifts is an interesting and almost foreign development. i have felt a sense of calm and peace gently waft around me.  i have wanted to take part in  social activity, have dinner with friends, be close to others, mellow out at home listening to tunes. these are not my habits for the last several year. i have been on the go and driven to stay focused and inspired. it could be compared to changing gears on a manual transmission, i have changed gears.

i have re-engaged a relationship with my cousin recently as well. over the last 3 years we have spoken maybe once or twice a year. there was a drift and i had felt betrayal. i am sure that some of the effect was prior emotional baggage as has been a common experience for me in recovery. it feels good to reconnect.

i am working at the local professional gay men's professional organization halloween party tonight. i
am looking forward to a few laughs. i have done this a couple of times over the years. laughter and tears are both good lubrication for transitions.

Space is only noise if you can see

See I want to write a story about two long lines

Two pretty lines that fall in love

Two little spaces they're filled with echoes

Did the lines ever intersect one another, at a moment in time?

moment time"..

have you always cross like this

have you always cross like this

have you been this way all the time

have you been this way all the time or were you always trying to get you with me?

with me? with me? with me?

you used to check the weather

now you stopped that

you used to look at time

now you stopped that

you used to wear red

now you wear white

what happens all the time it happens all the time

replace the word space with a drink and forget it

space is only noise if you can see.

grab a calculator and fix yourself

grab a calculator and fix yourself

read the news baby read the news

watch your clock baby watch your clock

watch the weather baby on tv

its all to get if you can see

grab a calculator and fix yourself

space is only noise if you can see

See I want to write a story about two long lines

Two pretty lines that fall in love

Two little spaces they're filled with echoes

Did the lines ever intersect one another, at a moment in time?

moment time"...nicolas jaar

suit up and show up

image credit...mariano vivanco

Courage of the Spiritual Warrior

The courage that makes for a good soldier also makes for a good Spiritual Warrior, but the intent becomes completely different. A soldier has courage to face a challenge that may bring physical harm. The Spiritual warrior has the courage to question challenge his or her own beliefs. By challenging our own beliefs we can dissolve the lies that cause our suffering. To challenge our own beliefs requires courage because it means the end of our illusion of safety. When other people challenge our own beliefs we are usually quick to defend. We defend them even if they cause us to suffer. As a warrior we learn not to defend what we believe, and then to challenge those very beliefs ourselves. In this way we are able to sort out the truth from illusions.

so this month has seen me start back at the gym with cardio classes at least 3x per week, a new 2night counseling gig at an agency where i was already working 1 evening per week, began supporting a new meeting 1x per week, and the details for the long awaited recovery rally bubble up daily like a fresh bottle of pellegrino newly opened.

i relentlessly insist that all of this is within my scope, without really taking the time to assess what the cost of this responsibility, but the cost involves my peace of mind and my serenity. additionally, my good friend is preparing to shake loose this mortal coil, and i am not very present for him. he isolates and redirects and avoids. there is a part of me that feels helpless. i know he is struggling and i have little idea how to relieve this. i spend some time, but as is my way, i remind myself i am not doing enough nor am i doing it right. underneath it all is this childhood belief that my love isn't enough.

yesterday, one of my workmates repeatedly placed papers from the printer on top of other papers on my desk. i became perturbed and defensive. i  acted out. i am still prickly and on defense. i scrapped with a board member today about an issue of little import, who needs to be happy, when i should be right? just like a pitbull latches on to its adversary- clenching hard, shaking rigorously, and doing anything to avoid letting go, i covet mistrust and sulking with staunch insanity. who needs a horror movie when i have my own behavior?

how, after all these years of personal growth  work and letting go of ego, do i find myself drowning in a tumult of human weakness? i have not wanted to write about this for fear of being exposed like the emperor wearing his celebrated and ridiculed nudie outfit.

but i do know that i can't pretend that these character defects that are taking root dandelions in summer aren't real. they are. i am affected by my life and the situations around me. i don't react as graciously as i would like. it is my first response to think the worst. to run. to separate.  and this is what i have found myself doing this week.  doing what i always do.

 making things for me to then undo...

The old line says, “Suit up and show up.” That action is so important that I like to think of it as my motto. I can choose each day to suit up and show up, or not.

prayer in the darkness

image credit... mrmvs

The bend in the road is not the end of the road unless you refuse to take the turn.....

author unknown

the 1st 11 days of this year have challenged my equilibrium.  i'm not sure if nature might be pushing back at me since i exerted quite a lot of energy in the month of december. whatever the reason, i certainly didn't expect to encounter a somewhat distorted and dinghy looking glass. hope- expectation- success- disappointment- are all curves on the same highway. 


wow... these past days certainly reflect the idea of trudging the road of happy destiny- at least the trudging part. 


what i am very sure is that i believe that this current movie reel i find myself dramatizing in is temporary. my story involves much more for me to do, more to endure, more to discover, more to learn, and more to let go. 

  oh please- 

sweet complicated universe, help me make room for good things to happen in my life.