no sleep till tom tom

the older i get, the more television i watch-this seems a reality i cannot escape. most of this is not memorable. but once in awhile there is a spark of something here or there that catches my eye. the most recent of these is tom wlaschiha whom i ran across on a new tv show called "crossing lines". the lips and eyes are moody, dreamy, and hard to forget. as i inquired more, i realize he has been around a while and has a healthy cinematic resume including another favorite of mine- game of thrones. upon further inspection- his resume expands- delightfully so- see here-

this post is juvenile. it is adolescent. it is asinine. and yet here it is. and i'm coveting it like a box of godivas or chocolate covered cherries. sweet, delicious, and over-rated. but as you might see, it is also a cultural norm- this admiration of the physical that overtakes us now and then. now must be a "then" for me. and i can't wait to see the film made about christopher isherwood for myself. it must also be adapted from the two novels known as " the berlin stories" as was the globally famous "cabaret". 

cloud atlas is a pousse cafe

Definition of POUSSE-CAFÉ

: an after-dinner drink consisting of several liqueurs of different colors and specific gravities poured so as to remain in separate layers

Origin of POUSSE-CAFÉ

French, literally, coffee chaser

First Known Use: 1880

the main thing i remember about a pousse cafe is the layered effect of the drink. it is entirely 

made of liquid, however because of the density and color of each of the liquids, each ingredient remains distinct from its counterparts, resting gently yet firmly apart from its neighbor. each of these layers of colored liquid form a more perfect union- a collection of tastes that seem overwhelming and overpowering perhaps simply because of the presentation. even though i have no plan to drink, the concept of this zany and monumental digestive concoction came to mind.

this is how i interpreted the film "cloud atlas" which i just finished viewing at the theater. it is certainly epic, just as a pousse cafe. it has bold strokes of storytelling layered upon itself, so stimulating to the senses that it is hard to discern the taste. i don't know if i liked the taste, but the experience was delightful and seemed profound.

i haven't read the book, so i cannot dissect the story transfer. but i can articulate that that it does present the idea of reincarnation, life, death, heaven in a way that felt genuine. i don't feel able to retell any particular scenes at this point, because i feel as if i heard a fable and need some time to absorb the intent.

i do realize that i was not able to pick out all the actors in each of their roles. there are 6 story lines running simultaneously with most of the actors having a role in each one. they look very different each time, sometimes changing races and sexes. i understand that the work was a source of inspiration and true joy for each of the thespians.

i know i will see this film again- probably more than once. i also know that the immediate themes that jump out to me such as greed, power, and fate remain a source of intense curiosity and compel and propel each of our generations forward. cloud atlas underscores these ideas. no matter which century there seem to be those who profit and those who foot the bill. 

the film is an adventure, a fantasy, a fable, and a little philosophical. i savored it on several levels. it is visually astounding, intellectually challenging, and opened my imagination. there is a scene near the end which does involve watching the clouds. it reminded me of the wonder of being a child, laying on the ground, and watching the clouds drift by, change shape and density which engaged my brain and stretched my understanding of life. 

i know that film changes my thinking. it is an experience for me which i have always and will always value. cloud atlas has done me a great service with a wide stroke of its brush. it is not a small story. i am compelled to explore my assumptions. it is not just a moment in time. it is a multi-layered and colorful legend that i hope will help me get somewhere.

so the album posted below does not connect anywhere with this film except in my mind. i have recently been introduced to dj nico (nicolas jaar) and am captivated by his sense of storytelling, tempo, and suggestion. it stirs echoes and memories in my heart and mind, perhaps just as this wachowsky/tykwer film "cloud atlas" did for me. this soundtrack, the film, and a pousse cafe are not not a mere digestif for after dinner. they are an experience for the senses to rejuvenate and inspire. 

Denver Sneak Preview- How To Survive A Plague

GIVEAWAY: Enter to win an admit 2 pass to the advance screening of HOW TO SURVIVE A PLAGUE!
IFC Films presents HOW TO SURVIVE A PLAGUE, the story of two coalitions—ACT UP and TAG (Treatment Action Group)—whose activism and innovation turned AIDS from a death sentence into a manageable condition. HOW TO SURVIVE A PLAGUE opens at the Denver Film Center Colfax on October 12!

Be one of the first to see the film on Wednesday, October 3 at 7:00PM in Denver! Enter to win by texting the word CHANGE and your ZIP CODE to 43549. (Entry deadline: 10/1 at midnight; Example Text: CHANGE 80246). Winners will be notified on Tuesday, October 2. There is no charge to text 43KIX. Message and data rates from your wireless carrier may apply. Remember, movie companies overbook previews, so arrive early because seating is not guaranteed.

the anonymous people

image- greg williams.. the anonymous people

i came across this vid on kickstarter by a guy named greg williams. it is a testament to the burgeoning social change movement that has been kicking up its heels on the eastern seaboard over the last 10 years. addressing the undeniable stigma of addiction as well as highlighting the lackluster outcomes of our now traditional substance treatment, the film asks questions about the invisible block of americans who have moved beyond their addiction and become happier and more productive members of society. this fact, of course, never getting much airtime or front page coverage, unlike the devastation and drama caused by active addiction.

the film clip stirs so many emotions in me. i believe that the wonders that have touched my life in recovery have rocked my world. it's hard to imagine that others wouldn't  want this if they understood it, even if they  only got a fraction of the relief i have found.

none-the-less greg williams is tapping into something greater than himself here. i encourage any readers to watch his clip and consider a contribution to his efforts. the local recovery organization i volunteer with has decided to donate enough to snag a private showing next year with a guest appearance by greg as well as a q&a. i fully support recovery coming out of the shadows and into the light.

here's the link for his kickstarter project.

people like us

image credit...collider.com

after reading a couple of reviews online, i had shied away from bothering to see this film. prior to that, there had been only anticipation on my part. but the review that soured me was from usa today and said something about mawkish cliches featuring unreal people yada yada.

those words and that sentiment are biting and offputting. for some reason- probably chris pine- i decided to see it anyway and boy-o-boy was i surprised. just like a really incredible birthday present surprise - one that really fits and looks good. i had no idea "people like us" would give such a sweet and endearing look at the frailties of modern american families. i didn't find alex kurtzman's sweet and tender film a bit mawkish- only the reviewer seems mawkish.

i got hooked pretty early on. any movie than jon favreau takes time to participate in,  usually works for me. the story seemed real- at least most of it. the connections and the disconnections between these two siblings is very familiar to my own story. i have two siblings that i have not connected with much at all. the very few encounters i have had with both have been rife with hurt and rivalry, fear and mistrust, anger and denial. this is my truth and i watched it being played out on the big screen so very adeptly.

michelle pfeiffer's performance i think might be my favorite of hers to date. she was stellar. imperfect, quite flawed actually, and tough. elizabeth banks is so perky as a recovering alcoholic bartender who is adrift in her life. and of course i loved the 12 step bits. but chris pine really stole the show. he has a tendency to breathe life into his lines (and the story) in a way that seems so very fresh and organic. loved him in star trek, but this one made me a fan.

without a doubt, the young man's role- the son, nephew, and grandson is perhaps the glue that binds it all. we find him in the throes of acting out his frustration, but his shenanigans (and more) are so very transparent and penetrable that i couldn't resist believing that i wanted to help this kid somehow. and the characters in the film must have felt the same way. his behaviors never overshadowed his feelings which are at the heart of this film. i guess it is "people like us" that still connect to all the things that were f'd up in our childhood and our families.

if you haven't seen it, i am not gonna give you the plot or the bits. suffice it to say that it seems to me that no matter what the "focus on the family" folks try to sell at the carnival, american family life is splintered and disparate in enormous ways. we have again become nomadic and gypsy-like, technology and commerce leading some of our choices, while libido and lust still  bring us to howl at the moon.

the loveliest thing i took away was hope in our spirit. our human ability to cope with things that are not easy to cope with. we lie, we cheat, we are greedy, we manipulate to get what we want, and yet we hope for the best and we can often find a way to make good of a very very difficult situation. of course i have no choice in the matter, but i am glad i am "people like us"

i have included the liz phair song written specifically for this movie as well as an interview with her about that process. all in all, a thoughtful and introspective time was delivered by this movie. i needed a look back and a look in. and i did it with some kind thoughts in my heart.

the beautiful south

image credit... samuel hodge

If I could find a real-life place that made me feel like Tiffany's, then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name. ~Truman Capote, Breakfast at Tiffany's, 1958, spoken by the character Holly Golightly

6 days in bed with pneumonia makes a girl a little stir crazy.. or maybe even a lot. i have slept and sweated and sweated and slept. the creases and the clumps in the pillows and the bedding have become just like the pea under the princess's bed and have made it almost impossible to get comfortable.

 i'm almost as tired of sleeping as i am tired.  i am hoping that wellness is on its way.

during my week long romance with bed rest has been an ongoing madness for drama- especially the cinematic kind.  star trek (chris pine and zachary quinto) made me smile  and smile again.  secretariat continued to be a winner. dolphin tale actually made me cry 5 times.  the film that continues to stand out the most for me is the help. i have been racking my brain trying to figure out exactly why.,

i am from a small town in central illinois- not the south. my grandmother, who is responsible for most (if any) moral fiber i have was from alabama. her family were farmers who emigrated to illinois. i don't know if the writing, the stories, the drama, the conflict of the south has particular significance for me, but it certainly is easy to wear. 

i have loved tennesseee williams, carson mccullers, willa cather, truman capote,  thomas wolfe,  and flannery oconnor, and harper lee. i have read and watched those stories with fervor and adulation for as long as i can remember. and as i languished around this week, partaking of this newer delicacy over and over, i found myself feeling as if i had been given a very large and comforting hug from a storyline rife with regional language, sarcasm, innuendo, but mostly the undaunting tenacity of the human spirit. 

i/m not sure about past life wisdom. i am not an expert on reincarnation. but i believe in my mind there is a case for it here. i grew up as a small boy listening to stories told around the kitchen table. and these southern writers and stories sound very much like the same thing to me. they seem to be familiar and personal, like it's being told over a tall glass of iced tea.

so on a week long dirge like this, when i have fever, fatigue, and spend most of my time alone, it makes sense that i would like to drench myself in something that reminds me of my childhood. laughter and drama being played out in stories at the kitchen table. and then there's all that confection and fried food.:)

Minny Jackson: Eat my shit. 

Hilly Holbrook: Excuse me! 

Minny Jackson: I said eat... my... shit. 

Hilly Holbrook: Have you lost your mind? 

Minny Jackson: No, ma'am but you is about to. 'Cause you just did. 

The Grey Allegory

i went to see "the grey" over the weekend at my favorite metroplex theater. i didn't really know what to expect, and i was a little skeptical about the trapped survivor story and the possibility of cannibalism. i must say that even with these unwarranted prejudices, the film hooked me quickly and kept me engaged throughout.

"Northernmost Alaska. Ottway (Liam Neeson) is a for-hire security hunter/marksman under the employ of an Alaskan drilling operation. His job is to protect the "ex-cons, fugitives and assholes" from the area's indigenous carnivores: bears & wolves. In one instance Ottway spots a grey blur on the horizon. He draws the rifle from his shoulder bag, follows the blur as it nears a trio of workers working on a pipe, and fires. The wolf slumps on the ground and Ottway puts his hands on it's still breathing chest. He feels it's life slip away. Ottway daydreams of his wife (Anne Openshaw); they both lay on a bed with white sheets facing each other, smiling. He writes a letter to his estranged wife, summing up his depression. One night after his shift, in the drilling operation's tavern, Ottway grows sick of the rowdy patrons. He walks outside, pulls out his rifle and sticks the barrel in his mouth. As he is about to pull the trigger, numerous wolf calls echo in the distance. He takes the barrel out of his mouth.

Ottway and many other crewman from the drilling \operation board a commuter jet bound for Anchorage, being de-iced on a runway. Ottway stores his rifle in the overhead bin, takes his seat, and closes his eyes. Another grunt, named Flannery (Joe Anderson), wakens Ottway and annoys him with questions about his sex-life. Ottway tells Flannery to either shut up or move. Flannery exits the row and finds a seat elsewhere. As Ottway sleeps the other travelers are disturbed by the turbulent flight. Flannery annoys the others by telling horror stories about airplane crash victims. The plane is rocked by massive turbulence. Ottway awakens; he sees sparks erupting from the cockpit and watches the ground grow larger in his window. He lays himself flat across his row and buckles himself in. He watches the hull tear away.

Ottway lays on the same white bed as before, and stares at his wife. They're covered by a billowy sheet. Ottway awakens in a desolate, snow-covered field, alone. He gets to his feet, surveys his surroundings, and runs in the direction of smoke. Beyond a bluff lies the wreckage of the plane. He scrambles down to the crash-site and happens upon Flannery, injured and pinned under his seat. Ottway helps him up, doing his best to distract him from his bisected seat-mate. Ottway makes his way inside the fuselage where he finds a half dozen survivors. One of them, Lewenden (James Badge Dale) is spurting blood from his abdomen. Hendrick (Dallas Roberts) comforts Lewenden, telling him that he'll pull through. Ottway takes one look at Lewenden and tells him as tactfully as he can that he will succumb to his wounds; that death will feel like a warm blanket that slowly overtakes him, and to accept it while thinking about his daughter. Lewenden slowly passes, to the shock of the survivors around him." reposted from moviespoilers.com

it occurred to me that this modern fable could easily translate into an allegory for addiction. a few hardcore users find themselves in a s place where they have to fight to survive. as they see their companions fade to gray, first in a group, then individually, there is an obvious struggle to remain human while simultaneously developing the skills necessary to survive. being chased by wolves and lacking food and rest adds to the terror in a concrete way. one by one the hardcore team is picked off by the pack of beasts who are cunning, baffling, and powerful.

it is definitely not an uplifting tale. it is dark, suspenseful, and gory. this reflected image of a mad struggle to survive settled over me like a fog and still lingers. there are so many travelers among us who are trapped in their own hell. they continue to scramble to find safety, with death happening around them without notice.  this has been very much like my experience with life. simply staying alive can sometimes become a royal gorge and i have found that only a spiritual connection can transform the drudgery with purpose. this is my truth. life was a ride, but somehow the adventure changed and became grey. and the wolves that were my constant consumption became fierce, colorless, and cold.

the film is harsh. its cold and it's frank. i was hooked from almost the start. i liked seeing it on the big megaplex screen, too. the scenery was a character and added so much. i sit close and move my head from side to side. wide screen should be wide screen- gray or not.

j edgar- a meandering stream

i have been mulling over what i might write about the film j. edgar. i saw it on sunday afternoon and was fairly gobsmacked for some reason. it has taken a day or so for me to ascertain what that might be about. the film is like a mountain stream in late august. it flows gently from here to there and back again. there are no visible rapids and what surprises exist are due more to the invisible depths than what is evident to the eye. that makes sense because john edgar hoover was much more than met the eye. he lived a dual-storyline his entire career. eastwood seems to mirror this with the tale that he spins rolling back and forth between the decades and the insanity( or do i mean drive?)that became hoover at the last years of his life. leonardo is sublimely eloquent. his expression of this historic character is loving and studied, directing me to both understand and empathize with j edgar's duality. as he dons the makeup that is the elder g i man, it is seamlessly natural to forget who is the actor. perhaps i gush a little too much here, but i honestly can't remember a performance that took my breath away quite like dicaprio's hoover. it was really like my first slice of rhubarb pie- both sweet and tangy with both of those seeming dominant.

what is there to say about armie hammer. he again has cashed in on his blue blood demeanor to present a 1920's poof, who only needs a green carnation to complete the stereotype. the tension between the two actors seems real, as does the overly cautious and entangled relationship that they boarded to ride together as j edgar shaped a federal bureau of investigation for america. typically i don't like blondes, but somehow he stirs something in me that finds his silver spoon aesthetic not only endearing but attractive.

and when these two characters reach a tipping point in their relationship, i was achingly reminded what it was like to be closeted. there is such a struggle between fear and desire.  i don't know how true to history this story is. i should care, but frankly i don't. i do understand that here is another tortured gay couple's story being played out on the big screen as directed by a heterosexual man. to pretend that lgbt love was without strife seems ignorant. to pretend that our predecessors were flawless is childlike and denialist. gay lives were taut and tenuous most of the time.  clint's position is one of not assuming too much. he believes they loved each other. he believes they feared detection. he implies others knew about them. he insists the viewers find empathy or not. he insists we think about it.

i wish there were more gay directors who could be as deft with telling our stories as mr. eastwood and mr. lee. lgbt culture is indebted to these men. they respect without much embellishment. and they let viewers make their own opinions. i felt pride in seeing gay men love- even if it wasn't wholesome, because i know we love. and i know we have tasted tragedy. i also know we have lost and we have won. both sides of this truth are evident in this storytelling. it gently rolls to and fro and a love seems to whisper in the breeze

as a post script- judy dench again shines here. she is understated, yet supports much of the first hour of the film. her most powerful line for me- "no son of mine will be a daffodil" embodies the stigma the stigma that homosexuals endured for the 1st 3/4 of the 20th century.

a haunting ghost story

jim and i went to the esquire on sunday evening with two objectives: 1) to avoid any notice of a football game and 2) to see a south american film called undertow. i knew very little about it and am almost at a loss as to share just how memorable it is.

it takes place in a chiquito beach fishing village in peru. santiago is an extremely handsome (very gay) and independent artist/painter and has moved to the village to perhaps get away from his family. he has met and engaged in an affair with miguel- a very loved married man who grew up in the village. it becomes clear they have been having secret trysts and exotic entanglements, but since miguel's wife has a baby due any minute, miguel thinks it a practical idea to end the affair (after one last glorious lovemaking) with tiago.

since i am not a reviewer, i thought i would share a synopsis from the film's website...http://www.undertowfilm.com/

Miguel is a handsome, young and beloved fisherman in Cabo Blanco, a small fishing village in the Northern coast of Peru, where the community has deep-rooted religious traditions. Miguel is married to the beautiful Mariela, who is 7-months pregnant with their firstborn, but Miguel harbors a scandalous secret: He is having a love affair with another man, Santiago, a painter who is ostracized by the townsfolk for being agnostic and open about his sexuality.

When Santiago drowns accidentally in the ocean's strong undertow, he cannot pass peacefully to the other side. He returns after his death to ask Miguel to look for his body and bury it according to the rituals of the town. Miguel must choose between sentencing Santiago to eternal torment or doing right by him and, in turn, revealing their relationship to Mariela and the entire village. Miguel is forced to deal with the consequences of his acts and to come to terms with who he really is, even if by doing so he stands the chance of losing the people he loves the most.
With sweeping images of the beautiful Peruvian coastline, UNDERTOW (Contracorriente) is the emotional intersection of contemporary sexuality, confronted by tradition and belief. This sexy and redolent love story is the feature film debut of Javier Fuentes-León and stars Manolo Cardona (Beverly Hills Chihuahua and the hugely popular telenovela series, Sin tetas no hay paraiso, and was also named by People en Espanol as one of its 50 Most Beautiful People in 2005), Cristian Mercado (Che) and Tatiana Astengo. The film is produced by Javier Fuentes-León and Rodrigo Guerrero (Maria Full of Grace, Dog Eat Dog).

of course the above is a simplification, and i cannot begin to relay just how simple and beautiful the metaphors for love, closeted gay love, stigma, and acceptance are that follow. tiago remains attached to earth and has to ask miguel to release him from his undead predicament, but miguel struggles with this concept selfishly. he wants to be with him so he continues his affair with his ghostly companion, even finally being brave enough to walk down the main drag of his village hand in hand with the man he loves. of course none of the other villagers see anyone but miguel- which speaks volumes about the loves we have that others do not see.

being a vbq (very big queen) i cried at the closing of the film. there is something so final about death and about the closure that those of us left behind need in order to move forward. it is a grave note that we are left with, but it is not simply sorrow that i felt. i found i was up to my earlobes in hope- that such a powerfully simple and straightforward film could come from such a small and not-very-well known country takes my breath away- almost as much as scene after scene of the peruvian coastline. i say see this film no matter what. even if you hate subtitles.

 the 2 leading men are beautiful. the film is delicious. and the soundtrack is even more enticing.  as a starter or as a meal, contracorriente (undertow) is thoroughly sublime.

and twisted

             "Be like a flower and turn your face to the sun."- Kahlil Gibran

jim and i watched a german film called cherry blossoms last night and i must say we were yawning during the beginning. it is a slow and steady paced story about a disconnected adult nuclear family that encounters the daily situations most of us will at some time. the father is diagnosed with a terminal illness, the wife/mother is consulted first and decides not to disclose until family visits have taken place. the couple head to berlin from bavaria to visit 2 of their 3 adult offspring and encounter indifference and nonchalant condescension aimed at the parents. the 3rd son, living in tokyo, is referenced with a crystal understanding that this 3rd son was special.  the family in general are not close, nor does it even seem possible that they were ever under the same roof. yet they were.

but as this quiet and tenacious story unfolds, it is revealed that the mother, who is the nerve center of the nucleus, has always yearned for a different life than the one she had. she wouldn't have traded her kids and her family even if she had been able. the visit goes a bit sour in berlin and the couple decide to go to the baltic- to get some sun and sea air. while there, unexpectedly, a surprise tragedy occurs and the storyline shifts again.

this new chapter finds the characters in tokyo, visiting the son and trying to carve out a new understanding of where their life is headed. it must be late spring in tokyo as the cherry blossoms are everywhere- hence the name. the dance of the cherry blossoms in the breeze is reflected in the movement of the characters from this point forward. there are surprises here, bringing both smiles and uneasiness.

i loved this film. i didn't jump for joy nor did i cling to the edge of my seat. but i did find that the storytelling was solid. the plot moved and twisted in the breeze. it reminded me that the desires of people don't necessarily match their lives. and that love and codependency are real, even surreal, they have meaning and they can be weighty.

it's a good film. pretty, prickly, and perceptive. and jim makes movies more fun.

i have posted the soft cell/marc almond version of this song  previously, but i hadn't heard david gray. i am absolutely mad for him. his vocals, his poetry, his storytelling. i thought it fitting somehow. hope you enjoy it, too.

social dickwork

my friend jim and i have been going to the movies pretty regularly all summer long. we mostly agree on the films we are gonna see, and we come at the films from different directions, but we mostly agree and love what we are doing.. at least i do.

sunday evening, we went to see social network and this seemed to be no different. i found myself fascinated as i watched the unauthorized story of mark zuckerberg and thefacebook play out. for me it was a bit riveting to see something so recent being portrayed from a wider perspective. the language is still fresh, the fresh flavor of connecting to others instantly still stands out in our minds, and the introduction of computer generated mental health issues and personality disorders meld naturally and elegantly with the same old human drama.

i found the film compelling. zuckerberg's character seemed to always be trying so hard to succeed and rise above his geek status. jessie eisenberg as mark seemed to telegraph the impression of  definite ocd or add being a driving force behind his genius. when life is upsetting i can just write code and make myself feel better. blogging for 4 years allows me to understand this on a more personal level. i sometimes go to my computer to help make myself change my mood.

zuckerberg is portrayed as the problem solving ironman in this story. he may have been supported in his quest for beyond-nerd positioning, but he was without fail the man that connected the dots in this picture. but the story also tells an old familiar tale. no man and no uber-network is an island. just as facebook is a vehicle to connect people to other people, there are other people besides zuckerberg that have made it happen. and unlike changing the channel on a television or closing a window on a website, it is not just okay to close a window on a relationship without giving that person or people the acknowledgement of their contribution and effect upon the journey.

or they will sue. where there is money , there is usually ego and lawyers. they go hand in hand. and this story is rife with them. people who are present on a journey often feel they are a bigger part of the process of creation because they are not used to creating anything. on the flipside though, when you tell someone yo want to partner with them or work with them, that is considered a verbal contract. even if they never do anything to contribute whatsoever.

the theatre was packed on a sunday night, so no doubt this film will do very well. the performances work, the zany "start-up" environment that sets up shop works on a few levels. justin timberlake brings a strange sense of sanity to the whole piece, which is almost oxymoronic as he portrays napster founder sean parker doing way too much partying as reality drowning with a minor in vengeance.

loved, loved, loved it..there is a definite collection of dicks in this movie. and i really loved that i got to pick which were the dicks according to me. pick your dick.   no need to say more. soundtrack by trent reznor. it's definitely a story for a newer generation.  well done.

here is the first song from the soundtrack which is from trent reznor (nine inch nails) and atticus. moody and ominous, it sincerely echoes the themes that are played out on the screen.

try a little tenderness

i am feeling a little sappy this morning i think. anyway, i thought i'd share this clip. for some unknown reason i still love this film. i don't often think that gay romantic comedies are either that romantic or that funny, but this is an exception. i laughed and i cried, mostly because i could relate to the complete fear of intimacy that is highlighted here. the humor is caustic which seems very authentic to me as well. and i hadn't heard so many opportunities to use the word "borch" in a sentence.

i am not often vulnerable with someone else. it's too tender. it's too scary. i tried it many many years ago and i felt as if i'd hiked through poison ivy. i itched and i scratched until it bled. and i just stopped hiking altogether. and i have been safe and quietly angry for these many years. i remember getting so angry at my friend peter because he had played outside our arrangement, that i broke a dish on the floor. but the anger that i felt frightened me so much because i had grown up around that type of expression of anger and i didn't want it in my life. so i think i vowed to myself that i would never let someone hurt me like that again.

and i haven't let that happen. but that is not the point of life. i found this at joy2meu.com

"Fear of intimacy is at the heart of codependency. We have a fear of intimacy because we have a fear of abandonment, betrayal, and rejection. We have a these fears because we were wounded in early childhood - we experienced feeling emotionally abandoned, rejected, and betrayed by our parents because they were wounded. They did not have healthy relationship with self - they were codependents who abandoned and betrayed themselves - and their behavior caused us to feel unworthy and unlovable."


"As children we were incapable of seeing ourselves as separate from our families - of knowing we had worth as individuals apart from our families. The reality we grew up in was the only reality that we knew. We thought our parents behavior reflected our worth - the same way that our codependent parents thought our behavior was a factor in rather they had worth."

"The simplest and most understandable way I have ever heard intimacy described is by breaking the word down: in to me see. That is what intimacy is about - allowing another person to see into us, sharing who we are with another person.

Sharing who we are is a problem for codependents because at the core of our relationship with ourselves is the feeling that we are somehow defective, unlovable and unworthy - because of our childhood emotional trauma. Codependency is rooted in our ego programming from early childhood. That programming is a defense that the ego adapted to help us survive. It is based upon the feeling that we are shameful, that we are defective, unworthy, and unlovable. Our codependent defense system is an attempt to protect us from being rejected, betrayed, and abandoned because of our unworthy, shameful being.
We have a fear of intimacy because we were wounded, emotionally traumatized, in early childhood - felt rejected and abandoned - and then grew up in emotional dishonest societies that did not provide tools for healing, or healthy role models to teach us how to overcome that fear. Our wounding in early childhood caused us to feel that something was wrong with our being - toxic shame - and our societal and parental role models taught us to keep up appearances, to hide our shamefulness from others."

As long as we are reacting unconsciously to our childhood emotional wounds and intellectual programming, we keep repeating the patterns. We keep getting involved with unavailable people. We keep setting ourselves up to be abandoned, betrayed and rejected. We keep looking for love in all the wrong places, in all the wrong faces. Is it any wonder we have a fear of intimacy?"

life during wartime

two more free days in front of me. this will no doubt pass very quickly. i have things to do, but am not sure if i will get them all completed. but no matter i am in need of taking some time.

 i went to see "Life During Wartime" last night. what a strange buffet it was. without a doubt, i am  completely unqualified to relay the accurate intentions of this film. but i will state that i left with more questions than answers, and i love my life more when there are questions.  it was full of tears and ghosts, misdirection and missteps, and much of this was presented in such an exaggerated and retro-vivid style. it felt colorized and sanitized and sun bleached.  i found myself laughing because some of the scenes were so uncomfortable that i had to ease my own queasiness. Charlotte Rampling chewed the scenery with her very small scene at the Deauville Hotel on Miami Beach.

i made pear crisp yesterday and ate way too much of it. the pears are so superb right now and i used a box mix called "whistlestop cafe" from fannie flagg. for all you young folks, fannie flagg was a hoot of a celebrity who used to appear on "The Match Game" with Charles Nelson Reilly. She also wrote the screenplay "Fried Green Tomatoes At The Whistlestop Cafe" which later became one of my favorite films "Fried Green Tomatoes". I am adding a link to the cooking items, as they fall in line with the current home cooking trend.

a friend has lost both his grandmothers this august. i am driving him to the airport to attend the second service. i think we are having lunch at park burger. a new one just opened in our neighborhood where the old "bump and grind". but, we may end up going to d-bar as they have added a full menu to their once dessert only offerings.  i am giving him a copy of "when things fall apart" by pema chodron. this book still helps me find my way when the fan spews shit. "To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest."... Pema Chodron


my building relandscaped along one street last weekend. there are 3 levels and it took 5 people 18-20 hours to get it done. there were lots of new plantings that were installed. we planted hydrangeas, dwarf korean lilacs, daphne, and 3 types of grasses. it will be months before we really see the results. who says i am not learning patience?

i bought the most amazing balsamic reduction at Marczyk's last week. it is combined with truffles and has an undeniable earthy flavor. i used it on an heirloom tomato salad with fresh basil, but took it later that day to a party i was working and the the chef used it for the tenderloin and the salmon  she served. it is bottled by Cucina Viva and is imported from Italy.

as i consider a title for this post, and read the pastiche that makes up this post, i am reminded of a line in the film alluding to the truth that as a nation we are still involved in a war. a war that has been going on for so long that i have numbed myself to this fact. i put blinders on and try to forget that my country's (and my own) addiction to fossil fuel has been at the core of nations tumbling and citizens dying. maybe this would account for the consistent crying jags, the visits from ghosts, the tortured memories, and the tattered relationships that filled each frame of that film..

regional delight

a few weeks back, i had the unexpected pleasure of seeing a small film that was a big surprise. it's an independent effort made in southern missouri. a small story with a big impact- at least on me. the tale is distinctly american. a local southern ozark girl is running the household she lives in. she's 17 and she is the main caretaker for her younger sister and brother as well as a mother that has checked out from life from all we can tell. the mother's still living, but has emotionally vanished from the responsibility pool. her father, a career meth cooker, has been in and out of prison/jail and is currently out on bond. our heroine is completely at home in this environment- it's all she knows, but she hasn't fallen pray to it's lifestyle. she remains focused and sober, coveting dreams of her own.  a sheriff stops by to inform our heroine that her beloved daddy has put the house she and her family are living in up for bond, and if he doesn't show for court, they will be homeless.

this sets the stage for her search to find her father and talk some sense into him. after all, she has been diligently and dutifully taking care of the family, leaving him to pursue the work of his dreams. she too though, has dreams of her own. she wants to join the army and get a break from the uninvited burden of raising a family. besides, she wants to get as far from the poverty ridden ozarks as she possibly can.

this lead-in starts the journey of the daughter visiting the local mountain community- all seeped in the meth culture. relatives, friends, and strangers all carry a distinct local flavor and the film has an undeniably intimate and local vibe. my senses felt caressed and nourished after watching this film. the sets are as barren and bleak as a dry mountain winter's day. there are no special effects besides the quiet that two actors speaking no lines can produce.

do yourself a favor... make a decided effort to see this film... chilling story... quietly vast performances....  winter's bone... directed by debra granik

lisbeth salander

photo reposted from thefastertimes.com

Salander is a cartoonish super-hero, and if something bad happens to her -- she is sexually violated -- she more than gets back at the perpetrator. Her complete distrust of the authorities is also an interesting character-trait: this is a book where the police are largely kept out of it, even at points where they should obviously be called in. But Larsson does not seem to have much patience for bureaucratic approaches to law and order (or almost anything to do with government).

my heroine du jour has got to be lisbeth from "the girl with the dragon tattoo. she was the force behind the film and brought into the 21st century the spirit of "i spit on your grave" with her revenge segment of the film. she took a more than her share of pain and bullshit and channeled her anger into some revenge that was forceful, fearless, and unforgettable.

certainly there are parts of me that long for forgiveness and loving kindness applied to every aspect of my life. in my head, i understand that this kind of thinking is the destination i need to reach. however, i am still working towards it and i find myself relating to and almost reveling in the idea of an eye for an eye- of which the film has its share. of course i realize that this sort of revenge is out of my grasp, nor would i have the where-with-all to conjur it to life. but i must admit a very very guilty pleasure in watching and imagining. the very essence of film.

i am fairly well versed at this ripe age in reading subtitles and watching a film and this one offered no surprises in that regard.i somehow respect anything that requires my attention.  it is filmed in non-hd, in native swedish language, and without many special effects at all. yet i find it one of the more engaging films i have seen this year.

so read the books, damn it!

touching home

photo credit ... indiewire.com

Last Friday, i was invited to see a small independent film that was written, directed, and starred in by twin brothers Logan and Noah Miller. They grew up in Marin County California with the burden of their father being an alcoholic- well a drunk, really. They found refuge playing baseball and entertained the idea of having careers in professional baseball. Those dreams were crushed along with others. This reality can be devastating to any child, but maybe because there were two of these guys, or maybe because their father loved them in spite of his illness, they have managed to emerge from their situations with dreams and drive in tact it would seem.

The brothers also attended the film showing and participated in a Q & A afterward. I got the sense that this had been a real journey for these guys. The process of creating a film had most definitely been a labor of love and of exorcising demons. They discussed their father with compassion and respect, no doubt in spite of the years of let downs, broken promises, breached boundaries, and squelched dreams. Perhaps that upbringing trained them in a way for the grueling task of writing a screenplay, securing actors, funding, locations, financing, and distribution.

And they have accomplished something that so so many young persons (and otherwise) have dreamed to do since the onset of moving pictures. They have completed a film and delivered an honest and intimate picture of living and loving someone with addiction. The performances (including the twins') are understated, believable, and compelling. It was frequent for me to forget that I wasn't watching the story of someone I knew. Ed Harris, Brad Dourf, and Robert Forster make up the cast majority besided the brothers playing themselves. This is a quiet film, but has a lot to say during the pauses.

I went with a friend, both of us being in recovery. My friend seemed frustrated because the story wasn't more about the father. But for me, this reminded me of what I have learned all during my recovery, It's not always about me. This story is about the peripheral and collateral impact that alcholism can and does have on the people who live with and love persons who are afflicted.

I would recommend this film. Again, it is small and it is NOT a blockbuster. But it is an American tale (both the subject and the making of it) that deserves attention and reflection.