the ghost in me

humpty dumpty sat on a wall
humpty dumpty had a great fall
all the kings horses
all the kings men
couldn't put humpty dumpty
back together again

he had to do it his own damn self....

i used to recite this poem (with the final self-infused line) over and over to myself. i think when i was channelling it originally, i was resentful because no one was going to whisk me away and solve my problems for me. i was already overwhelmed and my brain was crispy, and i didn't believe i had the where-with-all to do anything right.

as it turned out, i did have to do all the work to get my ass outa the hole i was in. i certainly had been commandeering the vehicle that got me there and i had to find my own way back. and on the way back, i have become a counselor- an educator of sorts. this newer direction started out being more about me than the beautiful souls i worked with. but as time milled the grist, there has been a definite shift. i have become much much more invisible as i work, and the focus is definitely the client. this has been a welcome transition and hopefully a healthy one. i love my guys. but moreover, i love carving out some silhouette of hope. that is where change germinates. and what helps us get through another absolutely impossible day.

my work these days involves supporting people in finding their way with regard to putting themselves back together again. sounds easy, doesn't it?  well... it ain't.. but it engages a part of me that seems primal. primal and paternal and peppered with pathos.

i have been listening to bt's "these hopeful machines" again recently. and again, i find myself enamored with the cover of "the ghost in you".. no doubt you will, too...

true

So true funny how it seems

Always in time, but never in line for dreams

Head over heels when toe to toe

This is the sound of my soul,

This is the sound

I bought a ticket to the world,

But now I've come back again

Why do I find it hard to write the next line

Oh I want the truth to be said

as i happily trudge through my daily routine, i encounter an incredible amount of shortcomings and deficits i had never known about. maybe i did, but never gave them the time of day. i know that i often find myself cutting a path between fear and acceptance with situations in my life. i fear failing or judgement, so i react and judge in defense.  i then will catch myself and try to let go of my auto-reactions and move towards trusting the outcome and trusting my abilities.

its always an exercise in mindfulness, because i have trained myself for 40 odd years to react instantly with fear. i go there first and then have to climb down from a usually precarious postion like a kitten just exercising its freedom.

this tedious and relentless process has become more bearable. i can't say i have it licked, but i am able to recognize who i am and what i am doing with more diligence and pace as my life evolves. i am learning to accept who i am, warts and pimples and all- and be okay with it.

for this i am sincerely grateful.

social dickwork

my friend jim and i have been going to the movies pretty regularly all summer long. we mostly agree on the films we are gonna see, and we come at the films from different directions, but we mostly agree and love what we are doing.. at least i do.

sunday evening, we went to see social network and this seemed to be no different. i found myself fascinated as i watched the unauthorized story of mark zuckerberg and thefacebook play out. for me it was a bit riveting to see something so recent being portrayed from a wider perspective. the language is still fresh, the fresh flavor of connecting to others instantly still stands out in our minds, and the introduction of computer generated mental health issues and personality disorders meld naturally and elegantly with the same old human drama.

i found the film compelling. zuckerberg's character seemed to always be trying so hard to succeed and rise above his geek status. jessie eisenberg as mark seemed to telegraph the impression of  definite ocd or add being a driving force behind his genius. when life is upsetting i can just write code and make myself feel better. blogging for 4 years allows me to understand this on a more personal level. i sometimes go to my computer to help make myself change my mood.

zuckerberg is portrayed as the problem solving ironman in this story. he may have been supported in his quest for beyond-nerd positioning, but he was without fail the man that connected the dots in this picture. but the story also tells an old familiar tale. no man and no uber-network is an island. just as facebook is a vehicle to connect people to other people, there are other people besides zuckerberg that have made it happen. and unlike changing the channel on a television or closing a window on a website, it is not just okay to close a window on a relationship without giving that person or people the acknowledgement of their contribution and effect upon the journey.

or they will sue. where there is money , there is usually ego and lawyers. they go hand in hand. and this story is rife with them. people who are present on a journey often feel they are a bigger part of the process of creation because they are not used to creating anything. on the flipside though, when you tell someone yo want to partner with them or work with them, that is considered a verbal contract. even if they never do anything to contribute whatsoever.

the theatre was packed on a sunday night, so no doubt this film will do very well. the performances work, the zany "start-up" environment that sets up shop works on a few levels. justin timberlake brings a strange sense of sanity to the whole piece, which is almost oxymoronic as he portrays napster founder sean parker doing way too much partying as reality drowning with a minor in vengeance.

loved, loved, loved it..there is a definite collection of dicks in this movie. and i really loved that i got to pick which were the dicks according to me. pick your dick.   no need to say more. soundtrack by trent reznor. it's definitely a story for a newer generation.  well done.

here is the first song from the soundtrack which is from trent reznor (nine inch nails) and atticus. moody and ominous, it sincerely echoes the themes that are played out on the screen.

get your group on

"Group means simply a number of people that you are sharing with on a regular basis. So if in fact you are living with or working with people who are negative, that you have help with that. There are also times in our lives when we are with positive people who are trying to walk a positive road. There is support. There is sharing of wisdom. More than anything else people who are walking the same road, who are fighting the same battles. It helps define you. That you are not powerless. That you can make all kinds of decisions. The quality of our life so much depends on what we choose it to be. Choose something wonderful and great for yourself and then get out and make it happen."... Earnie Larsen

i remember when i was attending a group with regularity. i went to 3 groups a week for 3 years because i needed the support. and i fell off the group attendance because i had a life changing situation and i started isolating. isolating is what i do when i am emotional because it is easier and hurts less than being around people and having to explain my feelings.

perhaps this is a cop out. i think this is what many acquaintances think. and maybe i think this too. there are two lines of thought for me on this. firstly, i think that i should talk about how i feel and include people in my life in what is going on inside my head and heart. and more so, i fall first to believing that my feelings (and myself) are inappropriate and in the wrong. the next process is for me to remember that i am allowed to have my feelings whatever they are. for so many years i have pushed past my feelings, ignored them, medicated them, not honored them, and therefore it is imperative for me to honor my feelings by having them and sitting with them.

i have written about this before and most likely will do so again. this is the centerpiece of my serenity at this time of my life. i co-exist with a chemical imbalance and i have to learn to do so in a way that is considerate of my being. i need to acquaint myself with my moods and the strategies to remain sane. and i have a steamer trunk full of emotional baggage filled with homespun and imported trauma and a lifetime of secrets, lying, hiding, and binging.

needless to say this requires fortitude and in reviewing my program, i realize i need to expand my support network.  i have about 5 good friends that are the ultimate supporters, but i think i may need to expand my inner work to include a more focused agenda and expand my recreational life to be around more people with more activities.

i sat in the group i facilitate yesterday and again noticed the energy that can be created by a selection of souls and a need to explore. i found myself smiling in admiration of this whole exchange.

 i think i need to get my group on.

and for fun, here is missy  gettin her group on and speaking an enticing language maybe only they really understand..

work to do

photo credit : myfoxny

after hearing tyler clementi's tragic story, i have been wrestling with the idea that i might need to be doing more to reach out to young gay people. i understand only too well, the challenges of being different coupled with guilt and self-loathing that many of these young gay men and women must work through. it is a dark dark journey that on some days takes all one can muster just to make it through a day. the internalized shame is completely toxic.

at the root of all of this is homophobia. people make fun of the characteristics of others because they are different and people are afraid. and this fear of gay people oftentimes is rooted in the perpetrators' own self loathing.

but to have one's initial sexplorations secretly videotaped and then posted online amid a small cloistered community like a college likens itself in my mind to torture. hazing, taunting, and torture. certainly the culprits did not intend for tyler's reaction. no, they probably didn't see it as an option. and that is the high crime here. that something could be funny takes priority over someone getting hurt is negligent, self-involved, and criminal.

i do have to admit that this does not seem far out of character for those in their late teens and early twenties. the dark possibilities in life have not yet reared their ugly heads to young persons in that age group. they (as did i) have a tendency to live in a safe bubble and still hold a belief that nothing will hurt us. but as the experience of actual living reveals to us, that we do get hurt. really hurt, seriously and permanently hurt sometimes.

my experience shows me that much of this early adult trauma that is both felt and perpetrated morphs into a life of heavy substance abuse and addiction,  self abuse, and hiv infections. there may be an internal self-hating that never really goes away if it is not addressed. it can lay dormant for long periods and then resurface when life situations take a southerly direction. and life does go south now and again and when it does, the roots of  shame can return as an infection, a virus, and a bacteria all rolled into one. we can find ourselves feeling as unprotected, vulnerable, and weak as we were when we were 17.

dan savage, dave navarro, ellen degeneres and many others are stepping up and beginning what should be an ongoing quest. how do we make the world a better place than when we got here? how do we squelch this force of hatred and separation that confronts so many lgbtq youth?

i don't have the answer. i don't know that i am sure where to begin. but i will become kinder. i can make an effort to reach backwards and become more inclusive. and i can make sure i don't forget.  i got work to do...