Surprisingly, the TEN (Treatment Education Network) newsletter is still going strong. We are halfway through our 4th year and the content gets stronger. I still think it important for PLWH in Colorado to have visible proof that other people live with HIV and lead positive and happy, healthy lives-especially in rural Colorado. It must feel so isolating to be among so few. This was the initial purpose for the creation of this publication- to reassure all the readers that indeed there are everyday folks who have moved past the stun and the stigma and have gone on with their lives.
The 30th anniversary of HIV in America is probably a good time to reflect on all that has changed. If you know someone who may be challenged by their situation, please forward this to them. Maybe it will make a difference. In honor of my own 26 years of knowingly living with HIV, I am posting a vid of Carol Burnett singing Stephen Sondheim's "I'm Still Here". MWAH!
i shared in a meeting today about something very personal. i have blogged about it before, but it was a very different experience to speak it out loud in front of people, some of whom i don't even know and who are new to the recovery experience. part of my truth is that i rarely feel as if anything i do is appropriate. it's a habit i have developed since i was young, and in my mind i first go to the belief that my truth is not a good truth, and i have stepped over a line somewhere and have really offended people.
when i was in the 5th grade or so, i had a sexual encounter with some older boys in my small town. i had thought that it was a private and personal experience, but the boys talked and laughed about it and i became a joke and it hurt a lot. it is a moment that defined me as a person. i couldn't tell anyone because it was too disgusting and i couldn't let them know that it bothered me. i just had to stuff it and do the best that i could. my behaviors replicated and getting high became an easy way to blot out any pain and focus on the pleasure.
when i was 3 or 4 years sober, i had a very similar experience with an employer. i had trusted him with some personal information, something private, and somehow it was used in an anonymous letter that was sent out to colleagues. again, i had trusted someone and they had spit out that trust like milk gone bad. and i found myself as hurt and as angry as i had 35 years earlier in my life. i was stuck.
miraculously, i didn't revert back to using. the only reason was that working the 12 steps had afforded me a process to deal with emotions that run over. it worked, too. it wasn't perfect, but it did help me see my part in all this. and it did offer me sanctuary when i truly needed it most.
this is something i have lived with my whole life, although i never really took a look at it until these last few years. it takes some times for the blinders to really come off and to start to get a picture of how i actually am in the world. not just how i see myself, nor how i want to be, but how i am.
i say i have lived with this all my life because as i sit here at 4 in the morning blogging about a truth i spoke 16 hours earlier, i recognize very well the self-judgement imposed when i am honest. and in retrospect, i realize i won't give myself a break and describe what i shared as appropriate. but i will acquiesce that it did no harm. that the world can stand that i didn't do it perfectly. that i can be forgiven down the road for lack of forethought.
i believe that the emotional mask is starting to come off. i have been under enormous financial stress because i made some poor decisions over the last couple of years. mostly it was about deciding by impulse instead of thinking things through, and now i am required to live with those decisions. it has been uncomfortable and it has been an opportunity for me to do some very long overdue growing up.
but the stress of it has no doubt stolen some joy. and here is sit, tapping into some of the darker realities in my life. luckily, i have been here before, and i have been here sober, so i know i probably won't crumble. i also know that i have to pull the shit out of the corners and shake it out. otherwise i run the risk of doing damage.
today i spent some time planting some new shrubs along the front walk. we have been working on this part of the yard for a couple of years now. i find i avoid getting started, but when i do get out there and start pulling weeds, or watering, i get caught up in the process and love doing the work. i equally appreciate the end result. the landscape has improved. it looks better. it feels cared for. and it is healthier. i usually get sweaty and dirty while i am working on it, but the payoff is real.
strangely, i have been entranced by everything roller boogie this last week. i do feel empathy for my facebook friends because they endure all the crazy posts i slam to satisfy my obsession. linda blair, patrick swayze whip it, roller derby, roller disco, even gene kelly tap dancing with roller skates. it has been (like most weeks) a fashion and an escape for me. i have re-introduced myself to a fad and had fun researching and remembering and connecting some dots. i think one of my favorites that i rediscovered was the recent film roll bounce. the skating scenes and the characters are so very like-able.
so this week the fad has been roller boogie. i have enmeshed myself with 70's funk and disco and revisited almost every roller skating film. and i'll leave you with a scene from roll bounce. hava damn fine weekend..
learning to let go of my expectations is an avocation. i struggle with it incessantly. strangely too, because there is definitely a freedom in the releasing of such. no matter though, i still feel most comfortable when i can worry about things and feel twisted because something is gonna fuck up. peace is the journey today. i have had to let go of so many things in order to find where i am.
Refuge PrayerO Amida, I take refuge in you,Ocean of Oneness, Eternal Life and Light; Entrusting with my whole heart and mindIn your Primal Vow;I am empowered by you to live a full, Compassionate and creative life,I dedicate myself to the service of all beings,Striving to help others realize,Their human potential and Enlightenment;May your Teachings guide meThroughout the day, in my relationships, work and play. Namo Amida Buddha
i worked a birthday party for an 89 year old woman last evening. Her home is a 1949 Craftsman bungalow that has been changed little since its construction and is nestled on a 25 acre parcel of what was undoubtedly a much larger piece of land originally in an exclusive part of old moneyed denver. the view was astounding and the age of the caterer and the guests was impressive to say the least. as i pulled up around 5p, the matriarch was just returning from her rounds checking the pets and the horses on the farm which is a daily routine.
it was old denver money at this function and it was definitely intoxicating. the woman who trained and raced secretariat was there. 2 state legislators were in tow as well. i found myself completely enamored with the ambiance and impressed with the survivorship.
i was asked this week to chair the committee that will produce the 'rally for recovery 2011". it's an annual event in colorado which highlights the benefits of recovery and celebrates some of the "gifts" that come with it.
it's not my usual after hours activity, but i am looking forward to a new challenge. you can learn more about the rally at www.advocatesforrecovery.org
a couple of good friends are planning a visit from chicago in august. i am thinking i will take them to the western slope for the pallisades peaches festival. i am looking forward to checking it out as well as getting outa dodge for a coupla days.
in a meeting tonight, i realized that i have become comfortable with accepting that life is forever changing and is far from perfect or easy. i think i used to get caught up in the challenges of change and the difficulties in that. but i am coming to understand that this is the nature of life. last night we had a torrential downpour and the streets and drains flooded all the way up to the sidewalks. there was relocated mulch all over the sidewalks and the stairs up to my house and there was a fencepost from i don't know where sprawled out as well. i could have gotten mad about it, but it really is the nature of life to shift. i honestly hope i am learning to work with this.
