the tide is high

image credit... dmitri theocharis

i had a long day at work catching up on paperwork and trying to regain my emotional balance somehow. i just feel wonky. change has moved into our department like the santa ana winds, and i am stirred deeply by the gales.

i volunteered for the foundation at a fundraiser for the adolescent psychiatric program. a young black woman named madeline spoke about her experiences with mental health issues in her own neighborhood. the simplicity of her stories of her neighbors and friends, gutted by mental health issues, just like hooks thrown by invisible fishing lines had me teary. i remembered my own adolescence usurped by imbalance which set a course of living on the edge which lasted decades more than appropriate. mental illness is very real and very closeted. i need to work more to illuminate this.

today i spoke with my friend. he spent his final day at work and was cagey and passive aggressive as he talked around it. he talked about hooking up with home health care with hospice to follow. it was matter of fact and chilled both of us as it was discussed. months pass very quickly while time can move slowly in the same life. i wonder if that will be the case here.

i couldn't sleep this morning. longtime companion was running on cable, so i watched it again. the film still moves\ me deeply, but the effects are not as acute at all. i have moved past the pain and fear of that time, but find i continue to deal with loss and the inability to change life and death. luckily, i have become adept at learning not to run.

this seems to be rambling. it is very late and i should sleep.

auto pilot

image credit.... marina ambromovic

i have come to understand yet another layer of how i operate in my part of the world. maybe i knew this before, but with the latest turn in the road, my nature drifts yet again from the mists. i feel gratitude for this renewed awareness, but i would trade this gift for one of unknowing- sadly even if for only a short while. but the decades have rescinded my right to deny.

the previous paragraph seems so vague, but it is crystal clear to me. one of my best friends (and my sponsor of 7 years)  was diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer this week. he underwent esophageal surgery a couple of years ago with the intention of eradicating an aggressive cancer which had him out of commission for several months. it seems the cellular anomalies have survived, relocated, and set up shop in another part of his body. the oncologist advised to get papers in order with a half year. 

his behavior has seemed somewhat erratic lately. i have come to understand that he has been getting sicker for awhile. he has been moody. he has withdrawn a bit. he has not seemed happy-probably due mostly to not feeling very well. as he has shared this news with me he has wavered between pushing me away and struggling to find words between breath drawing tears.  

he holds his right to his feelings close to his chest. he has partitioned himself from his family right now because their questions and their concerns are too loud for him now. he needs to distill his own position before he can be okay letting others in. i find myself considering my words and my intention with intensity, which is more reserved than i usually am.

i find i have a natural caregiver response to crisis. i think i developed this growing up with a single young parent who binge drank heavily. there were many crises that arose over the years and i found that parenting that parent and taking care of her drama was the quickest way not to disappear in it. this posture became second nature and continued with some of my besties in the 80's when aids swept through our lives and still remains intact with me today in my work and in my search for validation.

i find myself reviewing this part of my nature right now. i want to be "there" for someone i love, but i don't want to be on auto pilot- even though that's where i always go first and that is the place i find myself now.  its hard to believe,  but i don't really want this to be about me. i am working to make it about someone i care very much about. and how to remain available while our lives unfurl. 

You and I have been through many things.

I'll hold on to your heart.

I wouldn't cry for anything,

But don't go tearing your life apart.

I have seen fear. I have seen faith.

Seen the look of anger on your face.

And if you want to talk about what will be,

Come and sit with me, and cry on my shoulder,

I'm a friend.

And if you want to talk about it anymore,

Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,

Once again.

Cry on my shoulder, I'm a friend.

life on life's terms

image credit..... david archer

Life is about living, loving, learning and of course laughter. Living life on life’s terms has much to do about our attitude toward our life. Do we choose a positive attitude or invite misery? Do we choose change or stay in our old comfort zones even if they are unhealthy for us? What thoughts do we hold and keep our attention on? Yes, we have the choice at any moment to make changes in our life if it’s not working for us.

Our life is all about change and choice. Within each of us is the ability to create and live the life intended for us. We only need make the changes and choices that are truthful, honest and right for our own life. It is my hope to offer new ways to accept changes in your life; from the not so difficult to the huge and very challenging ones. As we learn to accept changes that come about and learn new skills to walk through change, we have the opportunity to create and live a life of love, peace, serenity and happiness.

courtesy of living life on life's terms

i stopped by a small clinic to help a friend who is a counselor there. he has been ill lately and i will make myself available to help in any way i can. he runs groups for parolees, most of whom have done 8 years or more inside. he sweetly refers to his guys as the ones nobody else wants. it is obvious he has a real and defined connection here.

there are about 14 guys who slowly arrive, make their nest for the hour, and settle in. there is also a sense of something else, although i'm not sure what. the respect and the love that is felt for him in here is concrete.  it is a rag tag bunch of fellows. all are working, and working on staying out of the joint. 2 guys are graduating tonight, so the protocol is that they will run the meeting, starting by sharing their process and their progress with the group.

but before this takes place, my friend starts the group off by introducing himself (there are 2 new people who don't know him). he apologizes for not being around the last month or so, but has had some stuff going on.
he continues with "here's the deal guys. i have been diagnosed with 2 types of cancer in my abdomen. they don't even know what kind it is. i was told i have about 6 months to live. i have started chemo to arrest these tumors in my stomach and they don't even know if it is going to work. if it is effective, i may have 2 more years, but if it doesn't, it falls back to the 6 month diagnosis.

naturally you could hear a pin drop. there is not a sound, nor a movement for a short while as these rugged and  tender witnesses absorb what they could of the information just laid down. not a stir. it was almost like one of those science fiction films with individual cylinders keeping bodies alive, all in the same room, but each one so separate and needing its own life support.

my friend continued with the group and introductions.

this was a very spiritual happening  for me. i can't remember when i have felt quite so humble. i don't ever think i will forget either the silence or the power in the presence of  it. nothing more to be said really.

my friend is living life on life's terms.